


I'll be your Heda

by ALittleClassicAlittleModern, madisonlawson



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clarke and Raven are roomates, College, College AU, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, I will warn you in notes when there is smut so you can skip if you want, M/M, Minor Violence, Non-Canonical Character Death, Non-Canonical Violence, Recreational Drug Use, Secret Crush, Secret Relationship, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Teacher-Student Relationship, Teacher/Student, Teen drug use, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Crush, Violence, WARNINGS:, i think we can all guess by who, teacher/student au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-06-06 02:05:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 60,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6733600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ALittleClassicAlittleModern/pseuds/ALittleClassicAlittleModern, https://archiveofourown.org/users/madisonlawson/pseuds/madisonlawson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke Griffin begins her first semester of University with her best friend, Raven Reyes. The two expect nothing but late nights studying and goofing off with friends. While Raven waits for a boyfriend back home, Clarke's mom urges her to find a new boyfriend in town.<br/>Who she finds is not who she'd expect.<br/>But Lexa Woods is more than Clarke could ever dream for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Moving In

“Just one last touch.” Clarke smiles, pulling the match across the side of the box and lowering it to the candlewick. “Woods scented candles. Just like home.”

            “Clarke, you spent way too long decorating this apartment.”

            “You can’t spend too long creating a home, Raven.”

            “Yes, you can. When it takes you literally an entire week, that’s too long. School starts in two days and you haven’t bought a single book.” Raven comments, propping her feet onto the newly painted table. Clarke turns to her best friend, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

            “I’ll get them tomorrow. You can come with.”

            Raven sits forward, “Really? Golly, that means a lot!”

            Clarke throws a pillow in Raven’s direction. “Shut up, bitch. “

            Raven laughs, laying down on one side of their new yellow couch. Well new as in new to them, old to the world, thanks to Octavia and Bellamy’s mom. Raven scans the perfectly organized living room, nodding in approval. “All jokes aside, the apartment looks great.”

            Clarke sits next to Raven, eyeing the drapes of pictures around the living room, smiling at each memory. “Thank you.”

            “You’re missing a wall of pictures, though.”

            “Raven I am not going to tell you why. That’ll make it cheesier than it already is.”

            Raven shoves Clarke’s shoulder. “Come on, please! It’s cute!”

            “No.”

            “Clarkey-poo!” Raven whines.

            “Never call me that again.”

            Raven bends down, forcing Clarke to make eye contact. She sticks out her bottom lip and bats her eyes.

            Clarke groans. “Fine.” Raven jumps up, clapping. Clarke sucks in a breath and closes her eyes, grinning. “It’s for all the new memories we’re going to make.”

 * * *

            ‘ _Where’s the Engineering building?’_ Clarke clicks send, spins in spot, and continues down the unfamiliar sidewalk.

            Thankfully, the reply comes quickly. ‘ _Middle of campus, behind the library.’_

Clarke glances around her, soon seeing the library just a few buildings away. ‘ _Thanks, Bell.’_

_‘No problem. Freshmen are so cute.’_

_‘Shut up, old man.’_ She sends off to Bellamy, her childhood best friend and current Columbia junior.

Clarke slides her phone back into her pocket and wraps her fingers around the straps of her backpack.

Five minutes later she’s located room 313 and strategically chosen a seat in the second row.

“Welcome, students!” The professor says as he hurriedly enters the room. “This is Biological Anthropology. It is a one thousand level class but I will not be lowering my expectations. This is not an easy A course for you fine arts majors to get your science credits in. You will work for your grade. You will read the materials. And you will attend class. If this is not as you expected, feel free to drop the class and enroll into Biology 101 where you may fit in a bit better.”

Clarke chuckles. The professor turns toward her, making eye contact. Clarke lowers in her seat slightly and lets her smile fall. The professor nods and makes his way to the white board.

He writes “Professor Jaha” on the board as he speaks. “My name is Thelonious Jaha. You may call me Professor Jaha. I am the head of the Anthropology department but will make myself as available as possible to each and every one of you. However, I do have three TA’s that you may speak to and expect a quicker response.” Jaha continues, introducing each TA as they pass out the syllabus. As expected, he does not explain the course, but instead begins the first lecture.

 _‘I hate when teachers use syllabus day to start their lectures.’_ Clarke types out, sending it to Raven.

_‘Same. Although I can’t complain, my teacher just let us out forty minutes early.’_

_‘I hate you.’_

_‘I’m an engineer, Clarke. Let me enjoy the moments of silence before I begin to hate my life.’_

_‘Pre-med, Raven.’_

_‘I wasn’t comparing our majors, don’t get your granny panties in a twist.’_

Clarke holds in a laugh, but allows a small smile. She tucks her phone away and opens a new word document.

 * * *

Clarke drops her backpack as soon as she opens her front door and makes her way to the couch. She opens the fridge door, eyeing the few contents and finally settling with a cup of yogurt. She turns on Netflix and tucks her feet under her legs, contently watching the newest episode of _Greys Anatomy._

Thirty minutes in, her phone starts singing

“ _Mother knows best, listen to your mother, it’s a scary world out there, Mother knows best, one way or another-“_ Clarke pauses the show and picks up the phone.

“Hey, Mom.”

            _“Hey, Sweetheart. How were your first day of classes?”_

“Good. Anthropology is going to be tough, I know, but the others don’t seem awful yet.”

            _“Well, good. I wouldn’t want your first semester of college to be hard.”_

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Mom, You would never let me get away with a group of easy courses.”

            _“That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want my baby girl to do well.”_

“Whatever.” Clarke laughs. “Is Dad home?”

            _“Not right now. But I’ll have him call you later.”_

“Okay! How was your day?” As she talks with her mom, Clarke throws away her yogurt cup and paces the house. Ten minutes into the phone call and she’s ready to use any excuse in the book to get back on that couch.

            _“Seen any cute boys yet?”_

“Mom.”

            _“What?”_

“Classes started four hours ago.”

            _“But you’ve been there a week!”_

Clarke groans. “You’re right. Yes, I’ve seen dozens of cute boys. In fact, I already have four boyfriends. And I’m pregnant. First Christmas with the grandchildren!”

            _“Very funny, Clarke.”_ Clarke smiles to herself.

 _“Yeah, no one could give birth that quickly!”_ This voice is further away, harder to hear, but Clarke sits up, excitement flowing through her.

            “Dad?” She can practically hear her mom roll her eyes as she hands the phone off to her husband.

            _“Hey, baby.”_

“Hi, Dad.”

            _“So how’s my favorite pregnant daughter?”_

 _“_ Dad!”

            _“What? You can make fun of your mom but I can’t use your own jokes against you?”_

“No. Come up with your own jokes, thief.”

            _“That’s too hard.”_

“Maybe you should have gone to college.”

            _“Ouch.”_

 _“Clarke!”_ Her mom yells from what Clarke assumes is another room. Luckily her dad laughs.

            _“Alright I’ll give you that. But just remember who’s paying for your education.”_

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Thanks, Dad.”

            “ _Anything for my favorite child.”_

            “I’m your only child.”

            _“And my favorite.”_

“Wow. I’m honored.”

            _“Anyways, sweetheart. Your mom is starting a fire in the kitchen so I better go. I love you.”_

 _“I love you too!”_ Her mom yells.

            “Love you guys.” Clarke closes the phone, instantly picking up the remote and starting the show again, this time feeling the nerves from the day slipping away.

 * * *

            Raven gets home later that day with a box of ‘free’ donuts that she claims she got from a fraternity bake sale. Clarke asks no questions as she quickly eats three donuts before returning to the homework from that day. Raven disappears into her room to face time her high school senior boyfriend, Finn, and leaves Clarke alone, laying on the floor of the living room, occasionally loosing track of her spot on the page in favor of memorizing their new ceiling.

            After two hours of ‘homework’ and two hours of ‘innocent’ face time, the two retreat to the couch to watch the next episode of project runway and binge eat leftovers. Clarke occasionally allows herself a moment to glance around the room, appreciating the pictures hanging up that Bellamy painted, or the bong on top of the fridge that Monty and Jasper gave them as a housewarming gift. The only time it was ever used was when the duo came over to help them move in and ended up on the floor of the kitchen, questioning the reason behind beginning college.

            Clarke pulled at the corner of her childhood blanket, tracing each square that her aunt had knitted on before she died. Raven laughed next to her, gnawing on carrots, the ‘best snack food’, occasionally. Clarke smiled, deciding that a new start in a new town would be good for them, however far away from home it was.

            Who knows what she will do? What she’ll learn. What she’ll experience. And who’ll she’ll meet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fic I've ever written. I am a published author (madisonlawson.com) but this work is quite different than I'm used to. If anyone knows of beta readers, or is interested in beta reading for me- please contact me @freakingclexa or @authoraesthetic on tumblr or madisonlawson96@gmail.com!  
> I hope you enjoy the fic.


	2. Foreign Relations.

Day Two. Two classes and a lab. A backpack filled with journals and folders sits next to the couch and music filters through the ajar bathroom door where Raven is. Clarke lets her hips sway, matching the beat of the music. She pushes the spatula under the eggs and flips. A pinch of salt and the eggs are done. She hums to the music, sliding the cooked eggs next to the bacon.

            “Breakfast is ready, Honey!” She calls in a joking tone, taking her plate to the couch where a steaming cup of coffee is already waiting.

            “Thank you, Dear!” Raven calls back, matching Clarke’s persona.

            Her fork clicks on the plate as she cuts off a piece of egg. She finishes the breakfast and flips her watch, checking the time. “Walking or bus?” She asks as she drops her plate in the sink.

            “Walking!” She hears Raven yell back.

            Clarke nods, expecting the answer. “You still haven’t eaten the breakfast I so lovingly cooked for you.” She comments as Raven enters the kitchen.

            “Sorry I wanted to look nice for our second day of school.” Raven defends.

            “Sorry I wanted to make a nice breakfast before our second day of school.”

            “That won’t last long.”

            “Neither will getting ready in the morning.” Raven nods, muttering ‘fair enough’ as she shoves the eggs in her mouth and picks up the bacon.

            “Let’s go.” She mumbles around the bacon. Clarke laughs and grabs her backpack, following Raven to the front door. “What time are you done with classes today?”

            “Two. Unless we don’t have lab, then noon.”

            “You shouldn’t have lab. It’s the first week.”

            Clarke nods. “What time are you done?”

            Raven shrugs. “I haven’t looked at my schedule yet. But it doesn’t matter, I’m studying with a girl in one of my classes after so I won’t be home until dinner.”

            “You already found a study partner who’s willing to do work the second day of school?”

            “Yeah, Niylah. She’s mechanical, too. But she’s a junior so she’s not playing around.” Clarke nods, pushing the front door of the apartment building open. “She’s also hot. Maybe I should introduce you two.” Raven teasingly wags her eyebrows and nudges Clarke, who in turn shoves her.

            “Shut up. I’m supposed to be falling in love with a dude, remember?”

            “Says your ignorant mother. Niylah’s hot. If I decided to do the whole ‘experiment in college’ thing I would definitely experiment with her.”

            “Then you do that. Let me know how it goes.”

            “Gross, no. How about I give you her number and you let me know how it goes. I think she’s gay, anyways, so you definitely have a shot.”

            “Raven! Stop.” Clarke smiles but feels the frustration building up. Raven means well, she knows, but a week with no set-ups would be nice.

            Raven holds her hands up in surrender. “Alright, fine! Your loss.” The pair falls silent as they keep walking, dodging other pedestrians. “See you later!” Raven calls when they reach the university. She takes off, seemingly already knowing exactly where she’s headed. Clarke waves.

            “Business College.” She mutters to herself, zooming in on her class schedule to get the right room number for ‘International Relations’. She vaguely remembers passing a business college yesterday, so she heads in the general direction, scanning the buildings as she does. ‘Horns’ blares in her ears as she walks and she quietly mouths the words.

            Soon she finds the right building, (without having to text Bellamy, thank you very much) and locates the room, just two minutes after class began.

            “-and occasional quizzes over the previous night’s reading.”

            Clarke ducks her head, hoping not to disrupt the class as she chooses the closest free seat.

            “Hello.” She hears the teacher say. Clarke squeezes her eyes shut in frustration before looking up.

            She’s met with young, intense green eyes perfectly surrounded with eyeliner. She sucks in a breath and feels her head fog over as the professor continues.

            “And what is your name?”

            She swallows. “Clarke Griffin.”

            “Miss Griffin, welcome to International Relations. On a normal day I would not condone tardiness, but as it is the first day I will give you a pass. We are just discussing what will be expected of you this semester.” Clarke nods, feeling her heart thump wildly. “As I said at the beginning of the class, I am Lexa Woods. I, too, am still in school so there is no need to call me professor. Miss Woods will do.” Clarke gives a tight smile and nods in agreement before Miss Woods continues.

            Clarke is unable to keep herself from watching the long, wavy, braided brown hair that falls down Miss Woods’s back as she writes on the bored. Her previously strong tone softens as she explains the class, soon transforming into a soothing, yet demanding, air.

            “My offers hours are as stated on the syllabus, but if those do not work for you, feel free to email me to schedule an appointment.” Clarke highlights the email and office hours at the top of the syllabus as Miss Woods addresses it.

            By the end of class she feels her fingers growing heavy and her throat closing in nerves. She fights the urge to text Raven, knowing there was no way to not get caught in such a small classroom. Instead she focuses on the words on the page and rustling of paper around her.

            Political Strategies. Diplomacy. Foreign relations. The words resonate in her brain as Miss Woods says them, explaining the course. Excitement tugs on her toes and sits in the pit of her stomach, along with dread of fighting the thoughts that were begging for attention in her mind.

            You’re a professional. She tells herself. Here to learn. You’re going to be a doctor. Minoring in political science. You are not here for experiments. You are not here to get married or fantasize about inappropriate relationships. You’re here to learn. To help people.

            Clarke takes a deep breath and glances at the clock.

            As long as she gets over the initial ‘wow’ factor of seeing someone mildly attractive, she’ll be fine.

            “That’s all for today. I’ll see you all on Thursday.” Clarke quickly shoves her notebook into her backpack and returns her ear buds into her ears, joining the cluster of students rushing out the door.

 * * *

            “How was your first week of school?”

            “It was great, Mom!” Clarke answers, fitting another plate into the quickly filling dishwasher. “Classes weren’t too bad this week but I know that won’t last long.”

            “What about that one class with the tough teacher?”

            “Biological Anthropology? We’ve already had homework and such but I don’t think it’ll be horrible. The professor actually seems nice.”

            “Well, good!” Clarke looks up as Raven opens the front door, smiling. She holds up two bottles and waves them around.

            “Listen, Mom, I’d love to talk but I actually have to go.”    
            “It’s okay, I get it. Friday night, time to party, right?”

            “If by party you mean study, then yes.” Raven rolls her eyes and sets the bottles down on the counter. “I love you, Mom!”

            “Love you, too! Bye.” Clark turns off the phone and grabs the vodka, checking the flavor before twirling it in excitement.

            “How did you get these? Bell?” Raven nods.

            “So, what do you say? Party or invite the nerds over for a night in?” Clarke raises her eyebrows in response. “Yeah, I figured. I already texted them. Bellamy is picking up the other three and some pizza on his way over.”

            “Perfect. Tell him to get one with no pineapples.”

            “He knows. Also I’m sure Monty and Jasper are bringing their own treats as well.”

Clarke laughs, glancing up at the bong. “If those two aren’t careful, they’re going to get arrested.”

            “No they won’t. Monty is too smart for that and he’s got Jasper on a leash.”

            “Kinky.” Raven groans and heads to the living room where she pulls Netflix up.

            “So how are you doing?”

            Clarke sits next to her. “What do you mean?”

            “You know. A whole weekend with no dreamy teacher. Think you’ll survive?”

            Clarke hits Raven’s shoulder. “I knew I’d regret telling you that.”

            “You’d never regret telling me anything.”

            “Lies! But really. I’ll be fine. I’m already getting over the initial shock of having such a hot teacher. Soon she’ll be nothing more than another bane of my existence.”

            “Or,” Clarke instantly shoots Raven dagger eyes, knowing she won’t like the last part of the sentence. “She’ll be the bane of your bed.” Yeah, she didn’t like it.

            But she did laugh. “Raven. That was horrible. You couldn’t think of anything better than that?”

            “I had point two seconds. I’d say it was pretty good.”

            “It was awful. And doesn’t even make sense.”

            “Sure it does! She’ll be a bother to your bed because-“

            “No. Stop. Just stop. And don’t mention in when the boys get here. It’ll give them way too much teasing ammunition.” Clarke says.

            “Don’t worry, I’m not an idiot. Professor green eyes will stay between us.”

            “Good. Thank you.”

            “And in your dreams.” Clarke hits Raven again, laughing, despite the truth behind the statement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Horns" is by Bryce Fox and is a part of a collaborative Clexa playlist on Spotify. You can find it here-https://open.spotify.com/user/madisonlawson96/playlist/6zfSQsyphqvpyE0niNdxgb


	3. Housewarming.

The kettle screams. Clarke wraps a hair band around her tangled blonde hair and heads to the kitchen where hot steam shoots out the spout. Clarke pops it open and the screaming stops. She fills her mug and dunks the tea bag in the hot water, watching as the rich color spreads to the edges of the mug. The oven beeps and Clarke drapes the tea string on the side of the mug in favor of a pair of oven mitts. Hot air circles her face as she wraps the mitts around the sides of the pan. Fresh smells of cooked dough and sweet chocolate reach her nose and she smiles, closing the oven door. After giving the cookies a few minutes to cool, she transfers them from pan to plate, stacking them on top of other cookies already cooled. She moves the pan to the sink, grabs a warm cookie and her tea, and returns to the couch.

            A knock thuds ten minutes later and Clarke calls for the visitors to come in.

            “Yo! Someone made cookies!” She instantly hears Jasper exclaim. He follows his voice, jumping to sit on the counter as he shoves a cookie in his mouth.

            “You are the ultimate mom friend, Clarke Griffin. Are you also going to hold our hair back while we puke tonight?” Monty adds.

            “There will be no puking.” Clarke answers, followed by an agreement from Raven. “Either from alcohol or too many cookies.” She pulls the plate away from Jasper and hands it off to Bellamy, who in turn eats two cookies at once.

            “Hey, Clarke.” Octavia greets, a stark contrast to the loud chatter coming from the stoners in the kitchen.

            “Hey.” Clarke pulls Octavia in for a hug and leads her and her brother to the living room. “How did move in go? Do you like your roommate?”

            “I haven’t really gotten to know her yet. Her name is Zoe, I think. She seems cool.”

            “Good! You’ll have to bring her to hang out with us soon.”

            “Here? To this?” Octavia turns, catching Jasper in the act of pouring beer into Monty’s mouth over the sink. “I’d like to be friends with her at some point.”

            “Fair point.”

            “I don’t think it’s those two that will scare her away.”

            “Shut up, Bell!” Octavia kicks at her brother’s leg, who dodges quickly, laughing. “I’m going to get a drink. You want anything, Clarke?”

            “Vodka and sprite please and thank you.”

            “Ah, a true college student’s drink.” Bellamy comments, sipping at his own beer. “You’re quick to learn the ways.”

            “Hey, it’s simple and I like it.”

            “And effective.”

            “I’m not going to deny that.” Clarke tips an imagery hat in Bellamy’s direction, who returns the action.

            “Clarke!” She hears Raven call. “Shots!”

            “Someone is singing the song of my people. I must be on my way. I will return soon, fair gentleman.” Clarke says in a dramatic British accent.

Bellamy rolls his eyes, following Clarke to the kitchen. “You’re so weird.” Clarke just curtsies and accepts the filled shot glass Raven holds out to her. All six hold their glass out, clink them against each other, on the table, and then drink. Clarke coughs, reaching for a bottle of water. Jasper laughs, calling her and Monty weak as they chug their chasers.

 * * *

“No… see, what you not taking into consideration is the advanced medicine that is bound to be around. If the world ever did end due to some sort of nuclear meltdown, some scientist somewhere is bound to be able to keep a group of humans alive. And then they’ll be able to re-populate the earth!” Jasper argues.

Monty waves his hand in the air, swaying in his seat slightly. “No no no no! If the word-world-was overtaken by nuclear stuff then no one could ever live on it again. That’s it,” he spreads his hands out, as if smoothing out a sand castle, “the end of the human population as we know it.”

            Jasper groans, sitting forward as he makes a counter argument. Octavia throws another piece of popcorn their way, laughing when neither one of them notice. Raven lays her head in Bellamy’s lap, watching her hands in the air as she makes random signals. Clarke observes the scenes in front of her with her back to the couch and legs on Octavia’s lap.

            “You are all so drunk.” Bellamy comments, grinning as he watches Octavia throw a kernel.

            “You are too!” Raven points out, touching the tip of his nose with her finger.

            “I’m buzzed. Not drunk like you or high like those losers.” He gestures to the still arguing pair, now standing and waving their hands wildly.

            “Bell, don’t act all high and mighty, like you're too cool to party with the freshmen.” Octavia says, throwing a piece of popcorn at her brother, who expertly catches it in his mouth. “Show-off.”

            “I am cooler than all you.” Clarke giggles at that statement. Bellamy kicks her foot. “I’m definitely cooler than this princess.”

            Clarke frowns. “Don’t call me that.”

           “You’re cute when you’re angry.”

            “Bellamy stop flirting with Clarke.” Octavia says, hitting him in the side of his face with a kernel. “She already has her eyes on someone hotter than you.”

            Clarke’s eyes widen at that, and Bellamy’s smile grows. Clarke sits forward, shaking her head. “Who is the lucky lad?” Bellamy asks. Raven snickers. “Oh? Lady?” Clarke drops her head in her hands, falling sideways until she's laying on the floor. Bellamy pushes Raven off his lap, causing her to groan in annoyance, and lays next to Clarke. “Who is she? Clarke. Clarke! Who is it?” Clarke lays face down, not answering. Bellamy turns to Octavia and Raven, both of whom quietly put popcorn past their lips and drop their eyes in innocence. “You two have to tell me now.”

            Raven shakes her head. “I don’t have to tell you anything.” She slurs, giggling to herself.

            Bellamy crosses his arms. “Yes, you do. Octavia already gave away that Princess likes someone so now you have to tell me.”

            “I want a cookie.” Octavia says, excusing herself to the kitchen. Raven watches after her, panic painting across her face.

            “Raven. Raven Reyes. Raven. Tell me what you know.” Raven slowly shakes her head, eyes unblinking. “Ugh! Fine.” Bellamy turns back to Clarke, finding her watching the dialogue with all the attention she could muster. “Clarke. Hey, Clarke, look at me.” Clarke’s eyes move away from Raven’s apologetic face to find Bellamy’s eyes. “Tell me who she is.”

            There’s a pause. It lasts long enough for Jasper and Monty’s conversation to coast over. Bits of the conversation are caught, but no one pays close attention. Clarke blinks, thinks about joining their conversation, and shoves that thought aside. She can’t lie to Bellamy. He knows her too well. He’d figure it out. He would make her tell him later. She huffs, accepts defeat and relaxes.

            “Fine.” Bellamy smiles, sitting up straighter. “Her name is Lexa.” Bellamy’s grin widens, he starts to open his mouth but Clarke shushes him. “She’s very attractive and smart. But nothing is going to happen.”

            Bellamy frowns. “Why not?”

            Clarke looks down, fiddling with the hem of her shirt. She bits her lip, already regretting telling Bellamy at all.

            Then Bellamy gasps. “She’s your teacher!”

            Jasper and Monty turn their way, finally clicking into the conversation happening without them. “What? Who’s teacher? What?” Jasper stammers.

Clarke grits her teeth, catching Bellamy’s eye as if to say ‘don’t you dare’.

“Uhh… What? Pizza?” Bellamy stands up, joining his sister in the kitchen devoid of awkward conversations.

Clarke rests her head on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. She hears Monty ask Jasper what’s happening and feels Raven crawl across the floor to sit next to her. She lays her head in Clarke’s lap and pats her leg in an attempt to comfort her. Clarke sits up and takes a breath, filing away the conversation to be revisited in the morning when she can properly regret it.

 * * *

Clarke wakes up at eight am in her own bed to find Raven next to her and Octavia on the floor. She groans at the instant headache and quietly pushes the comforter back to slide her legs off the bed. The mattress dips as she stands and her shoulders tense until she notices Raven still sleeping soundly. She steps over Octavia, who rolls over, meeting Clarke’s eyes. She offers a grin and Clarke holds her hand out. Octavia accepts and they both quietly leave Raven behind.

They find Bellamy with his mouth hanging wide open and his arm flung over his face on the couch. A drop of drool falls out the corner of his mouth and Octavia stifles herself from laughing. Clarke quickly makes two cups of coffee, grabs some Advil and pop tarts and motions for Octavia to head to the patio. As Clarke closes the door, Octavia lets out a laugh.

“Can I please put a pickle in his mouth?”

“No!” Clarke laughs. “Why would you even do that?”

“I don’t know! It’s phallic shaped so I thought it would be funny.” She defends as Clarke hands over a pop tart, cup of coffee and two Advil’s.

Clarke shakes her head. “One, we don’t have any pickles. Two, that would choke him. Three, that’s so random.” Clarke sits, letting her legs dangle between the railings. Octavia sits next to her, allowing the silence to be her answer. They eat, listening to the morning wind pull at the small trees planted in the apartment complex and a dog barking.

            “So…” Octavia says, finally breaking the silence. “This Lexa,” Clarke groans. “No! I’m not going to ask you to tell me anything. Just your thoughts.”

            Clarke shrugs. “There aren’t many thoughts to have. Nothing is going to happen. She’s my teacher. Yeah, she’s a grad student, but still my teacher. She’s just attractive, that’s all.”

            Octavia nods. “Fair enough. I get it.”

            More silence follows. Octavia lays back; closing her eyes as the morning air envelopes her. She takes a deep breath, allowing peace to take hold.

Clarke follows suit, letting her eyes flutter shut and all thoughts to fade away for one calm moment.


	4. Study time?

Clarke pulls her books and computer out of her backpack, spreading it out on the table. She opens the book with the assigned readings for International Relations and ponders getting a cup of coffee. Her thoughts are interrupted by a soft voice.

“Studying for you favorite class?” She looks up to see Lexa grinning at her. Clarke’s mouth hangs open and confusion fills her brain. When she doesn’t answer, Lexa points at the book in her hands. “The assigned readings for class tomorrow.”

Clarke follows her finger and turns over the book to read the title. “Oh. Oh! Right. Yes, of course.”

Lexa laughs. “May I?” She asks, pointing to the empty chair across from Clarke. Clarke nods, voice stuck in her quickly drying throat. Lexa nods and sits down, pulling out a notebook and pen. “Clarke, correct?” Clarke nods. “Nice to meet you. I’m Lexa.” She holds out her hand and after Clarke forgets to take it, she pulls it back, still grinning. “You’re not very talkative are you?” Clarke swallows. “It’s okay, you don’t need to talk for the plans I have.” Clarke blinks as Lexa leans across the table and wraps her hand around the back of Clarke’s head, pulling her in for a rough kiss. Clarke’s heart beats faster and she returns the kiss, feeling her way into Lexa’s mouth. Lexa moans and the sound shocks Clarke.

She shoots up, sweat dotting her skin. It takes a solid ten seconds to get out of the dream and notice the real world around her.

Dream. Dream. An incredibly inappropriate, but hot, kiss that never happened. Clarke sucks in, holds the air in her lungs for five seconds, and pushes it out. Moonlight pierces her eyes through the open window and the night air stings her skin. Her breathing grows deeper as she lies down, rubbing the palms of her hands against her eyes.

Dream. Just a dream. A great one. A wrong one.

Clarke closes her eyes, feels herself fall back asleep, knowing the dream would continue right where it left off.

 * * *

“I am going to drop out of college and become a ninja warrior. I will be a badass. I will lead my army into battle and come out the other side victorious. But I will not finish school. I do not need this to sword fight.” Octavia says, pushing her book away and stranding up, throwing her arms as she does.

“How dramatic.” Raven comments. “Can I be your right hand?”

“Of course, Lady Raven. Lady Clarke, would you like to join our army?” Clarke chuckles and politely declines, returning to her work. “Well fine then. Raven, shall we?” She holds her arm out and Raven loops her own through it. They prance away, laughing, before returning to the table in defeat.

“I guess finishing one round of exams will leave me victorious.” Octavia concedes, flipping her binder open once more. “Who knew our first college tests would murder us?”

“Everyone, Tay. Everyone.” Clarke says, rubbing her hand against her temple.

“Someone has lost their joy,” Octavia frowns.

“Sorry, guys. I’m just getting really stressed.”

“When’s your test?” Raven asks.

“Tomorrow. International Studies.”

Raven and Octavia share a knowing glance, ending with a huff. Raven widens her eyes, as if saying ‘you ask’. Octavia silently groans but accepts. “Are you worried about the test itself, or the one doing the grading?”

Clarke flattens her hands against her face, touching her forehead to the table. “I don’t freaking know. But this needs to stop. Like yesterday. It’s been a month. I’m in this class to learn. Not daydream.” Clarke complains.

Raven dips her head in sympathy. “You’ll get over it soon, I promise. I think being frustrated by it gives it more credit then it deserves, though.”

“Yeah,” Octavia agrees, “I know saying ‘just don’t think about it’ is the worst advice ever but…”

Clarke allows a small scoff and lifts her head. “Yeah, thanks.” She shakes her head, blinking hard. “Anyways, what about you?” She directs the question to Octavia, folding her hands on her desk. “Anyone cute around you?”

Octavia pauses before answering. “Maybe.” Clarke and Raven slightly lean forward, egging her on. “Remember that guy I saw in the library the other week?” Clarke nods. “I saw him again yesterday. He was standing in front of this book I needed so I had to talk to him. Guys… he has the most gorgeous brown eyes and some badass tattoos on his arms. Anyways... he handed me the book I needed and just sort of… stared at me for a bit.”

“Did you get his name? Number?” Raven asks.

“Lincoln, and no. But he said he’s there all the time. It sounded like he was inviting me to join him in studying, but I had a class. I don’t know. It might be nothing, but…”

“Oh, it’s something.” Raven says. “He sounds amazing. Look him up on right now. Do you know his last name?”

Octavia ponders before answering, “Oak, I think it was.” She pulls Facebook up on her phone and finds him instantly. “Here,” She turns the computer to the other two, who instantly react.

“Oh, my god.” Raven whispers.

“He is very attractive.” Clarke adds.

“Hit that, Octavia. Hit it. If you don’t, I will.”

“Raven!” Octavia laughs, pulling the computer back. “I may never see him again, but if I do, I’ll talk to him just for you two.”

“Thank you.” Clarke says, grinning. “How old is he?” Octavia shrugs. “Fair enough. Raven, how’s Finn?”

“He’s great, as always. He’s planning a trip over here in a couple weeks, I think.”

“That’s great!” Clarke says.

“Yeah, I’m excited. I mean, we Skype all the time but it isn’t the same.”

Clarke drapes her hand over Raven’s shoulder, signifying that she understands. Long distance relationships are hard-if not impossible. But Raven does love Finn more than anything, so if anyone will make it work, it’s those two.

Clarke returns to her studying, pushing her ear buds back in and instantly getting lost in the reading. She unconsciously taps the table with the end of her pen and shakes her foot in rhythm with the tapping. The other two allow it for a while before Raven kicks her under the table and Clarke stills, grinning.

They leave the café hours later, driving home in the dark. Clarke showers and climbs into bed, falling asleep the moment she closes her eyes.

Miss Woods passes out the tests the next day without making eye contact with the students. She wishes them good luck and Clarke starts working. She finds herself writing long essays to the questions, wanting to get everything she knows and thinks on the paper. She thinks about each breath, forcing herself to keep her eyes down, never leaving the paper below her.

She finishes early, hands in the paper, and accidentally meets Lexa’s eyes. She feels her face burn and she grins before quickly turning and leaving the room.

 * * *

 _‘Party tomorrow? Starts at 6, is black-tie optional.’_ Received from Octavia.

Clarke pushes her lips together in thought before replying. ‘ _What kind of college party is black-tie?’_

_‘a fancy one. Lincoln is throwing it.’_

“Oh, my god. Raven!” She calls, standing from the couch and rushing to Raven’s room.

“What…” Raven groans, rolling over on her bed. “Exams are over, let me sleep.”

“Raven, Octavia is going to a party that Lincoln guy is throwing!” She exclaims, jumping on the bed and holding her phone out to Raven. “It’s some sort of fancy dress party. Which means it’s not an anyone could come party. Lincoln must have personally invited her _and_ said she could bring friends!”

Raven sits up as she reads the short texts and listens to Clarke’s explanation. “Oh, my god!”

“That’s what I said!” ‘ _omg! Did you talk to him?!’_ Clarke texts.

“I can’t believe she didn’t tell us!”

“You know Octavia. this is her way of telling us.”

Raven nods. “True.”

 _‘Yeah… yesterday at the library. He said I should come and bring friends. Gave me his number too… :)’_ Clarke reads the message and then shows it to Raven, who smiles and takes the phone from Clarke.

‘ _fuck you, Octavia! – R’_

“Raven!” Clarke yanks the phone back, laughing. ‘ _sorry bout her. Of course we’ll be there. Send me the address!’_

‘ _lol, will do! He’s a grad student, so be prepared to be surrounded by older, cooler people.’_ Octavia replies. Clarke rolls her eyes but response with a quick ‘ _k, sweet’_ and turns to Raven, who’s tight smile could make anyone want to hear the news she has.

            Raven smirks. “Party time.”


	5. Party Time.

“What are you supposed to wear to a ‘black-tie optional’ party?” Clarke asked, holding a red dress and a black shirt in front of a mirror. “Dresses? Or is that too ‘black-tie mandatory’?”

“I’m wearing this.” Raven holds out a red pantsuit with cutouts on the side. “Probably with minimal makeup and flats, to tone it down a bit.” Clarke nods, deciding against the red dress.

“How bout this?” She picks up a dark blue dress with a white collar.

Raven nods, “perfect. Text Octavia, ask her what she’s wearing.”

“Already did. She’s on the same page as us.” Clarke pulls off her shirt and replaces it with the dress, pulling at the bottom and smoothing out the middle. She turns to the side, glancing up and down. She bites her lip in thought, tugs at the collar and looks down at herself. After a moment she nods and leaves Raven’s room to search for some shoes.

Clarke sits with her legs crossed on the couch when she’s done with her makeup. She snacks on grapes, watching Netflix as she waits for Raven to be ready. When Raven comes out, they don’t leave immediately. ‘Fashionably late’ is what’s popular, apparently. Show up too early and you’re eager? Or something like that. Clarke rolls her eyes. Party politics.

She rubs her lips together, feeling them slide thanks to the lipstick. “Should I’ve gone with red?”

            Raven looks up. “No. Nude works better.” Raven decides. Clarke nods, content with the final product of her makeup. When the show ends, they silently head out, grabbing keys and wallets. “Where is it again?”

            “Couple blocks down.” Clarke answers. “We can walk. Octavia is already there, says everyone looks nice so I’m glad we didn’t wear jeans.”

            “Black tie is never optional.”

            The space looks to be a café during the day but has been gutted for the party. Clarke’s wedges tap the wooden floor when they enter and the cool air brushes her bare arms. She silently wishes for her black jacket, despite it not going with the dress.

            The back wall is lined with tables filled with horsd’oeuvres and glasses of champagne. People mingle, each wearing sleek outfits that start to blend with one another. A fan stalls above them, slowly turning off. It’s louder than Clarke would have assumed a fancy party to be. People talk openly, gesturing and laughing with no worry of being told to quiet down. Chairs litter the corner of the room, where the floor dips into a casual seating area. People open books, almost violently pointing to the pages, as if trying to teach those around them how to read.

            Clarke takes a break, closes her eyes, counts to five, and lets out the air. She opens her eyes, turns to Raven who’s smiling, either out of nerves or excitement. Clarke scans the room, searching for Octavia. She comes up at a loss, but jumps when a hand wraps around her arm. She spins around to see Octavia glaring at her, eyes wide.

            “Finally! What took you so long?” Clarke shrugs. “It’s fine. Come meet Lincoln.” She tugs at Clarke, who is followed by Raven. “This is some sort of grad party, I think. Lincoln said they have two a semester. It’s for all the political science grads and I think some history grads? I’m not positive. But it’s meant to be a gathering to create connections.” Octavia explains. They cross the room, heading closer to what Clarke assumes it he normal bar. Espresso machines sit against the wall, unused. “Lincoln.” Octavia says. A tall man turns, smiles at the sight of Octavia, and glances over Clarke and Raven. He wears nice, almost tight, black jeans and a dark blue button up. “This is Clarke and Raven.”

            “Lincoln Oak.” He says simply, holding out his hand. Clarke takes it instantly, admiring the strength behind his hold.

He does the same with Raven who says, “nice to meet you.”

“You too. I’m glad you came. Octavia has told me a lot about you.”

Clarke shoots a smirk in Octavia’s direction, who ignores it in favor of Lincoln’s face. “What about you? I’m assuming you’re a grad student?”

Lincoln nods, holding his chin high, as if everything he says must be said in assertion. “Diplomacy, specifically. I specialize in training, though. The idea of training soldiers, if need be, but striving to fix disagreements through diplomacy and peace.”

“So is that more in the military or within the government?” Raven asks.

“It can be either, but I think the military should be more educated within governmental matters.”

“That’s really cool.” Clarke comments.

“Careful, Clarke, he’ll try to convert you to the political science department.” Octavia warns, obviously speaking on her own experiment. Lincoln’s lips curl into a small, careful smile, placing his hand on Octavia’s back for a moment before removing it.

“It’s too late. I’m already minoring in political science.” Clarke says, which seems to excite Lincoln.

“Oh, good! Did you know about the upcoming event to welcome freshmen political science students? Minors can come too, you don’t have to be a major.” Clarke shakes her head. “You should come. I don’t have the info now but I’ll send it to Octavia later.”

“Okay, sounds good!” Clarke’s eyes flick over to Octavia, doing their best to communicate approval of Lincoln. Octavia must understand because she blushes slightly.

Lincoln gets pulled away then, taken into an ongoing conversation to defend someone, Clarke assumes. They take the opportunity to step further to the edge of the party and commence the ‘girl talk’.

“Octavia.” Clarke says.

“I know.”

“No. Octavia. Wow. Like… Wow.”

“I know!” Octavia’s smile grows and she leans against the wall behind her. “We hung out all night last night. Like until three am. Nothing happened!” She adds quickly at Clarke and Raven’s reactions. “We didn’t even kiss. Just hung out at his apartment. He pulled a total titanic and drew me while we were supposed to be watching a movie.”

“He drew you?” Raven repeats. Octavia nods. “That’s so cheesy!”

Clarke hits Raven’s arm, knowing she wasn’t being serious. “It’s adorable.”

Octavia continues, describing in detail all that happened the previous night. She grows quieter, obviously not wanting anyone around them to be suspicious of the conversation happening. The age difference seems to not bother her or Lincoln, deciding that five years was not bad. Clarke listens closely, occasionally turning around to grab a small chicken salad sandwich off the snack table.

Lincoln returns soon, pulling Octavia with him to introduce her to a group of guys. Clarke turns to Raven, feeding off the nerves in the room as she grabs Raven’s arm in excitement. “They’re really cute.” She comments. Raven agrees.

Clarke mingles, talking to all the different grad students about their favorite classes, advice they have for undergrads, and current events. She gets in one heated argument with an extreme right wing republican and Raven has to pull her away and sneak her a glass of champagne.

“It’s the ignorance, Raven. I can’t just… let them-“

“Yes, you can. Especially at a party like this. We don’t want to start anything.” Clarke huffs but yields, nodding.

“Excuse me.” Clarke hears from behind her.

“Sorry.” She steps to the side as the owner of the voice steps forward to grab a glass for herself. She turns to Clarke, smiling.

“I overheard the last bit of your argument with Diana. She’s a tough one, don’t feel bad. She thinks that just because she has tenor she can say whatever she wants, so I admire your bravery.”

“Oh…” Clarke mutters, taken off guard. “Thank you.”

“I’m Indra.” The woman holds out her hand and Clarke takes it. “Are you new here?”

“Yes. I’m a freshmen, political science undergraduate.”

Indra nods. “You’re getting off on a good start. I’m sure you’ll do great.”

“Thank you.” Clarke says again.

“I’m one of the professors here. I have a group of undergrads who occasionally attend events with me. It’s an opportunity to be thrown into the real world political debates and see how some of this works. If you’re interested, come by my office anytime. 412.”

“Yes, of course. Thank you, again.”

“Anytime.” Indra nods, almost as if she’s bowing with her head, and turns to leave. Clarke, still stunned, has to be turned by Raven.

“Did you just get drafted for being a dick to a tenor professor?”

“Uhm…”

“This is so Clarke Griffin.” Raven scoffs, laughing. “That’s amazing, Clarke. You’re going to accept, right?”

“I mean…”

“Clarke, you have too. It’s all connections now-a-days.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll check her office next week.” Clarke beams, feeling the sense of accomplishment wash over her. She floats in the feeling, taking the pause in the night to step outside and pull in some air. Raven doesn’t follow, giving Clarke the break she needs.

Clarke leans against the wall outside, crossing one leg over the other and dropping her head back. She turns her face to the sky, her eyes closing in relief. She takes in each breath, aware of the path the air takes, starting from the cool air and passing through her lugs to be dissected before rejoining the night.

Poetic.

Clarke laughs to herself and pushes off the wall to stand up straight. She bends over, stretching her back before heading back inside. She’s stopped, though, by a familiar face.

“Hey, you okay?” Lincoln asks.

Clarke nods. “Yes, definitely. I just met Indra.”

Lincoln grits his teeth in worry. “Oh, no…”

“No! It’s okay. It was good. I think… I think she recruited me?”

Lincoln’s eyes widen, obviously shocked. “Really?” Clarke nods. “Clarke, that’s amazing. Really. Indra is the head of the department.”

“What?”

“Yeah. She’s kind of like… the leader here. Everyone answers to her.”

“Oh… wow.” The whole situation hits Clarke again as she realizes the extent of what just happened. “That’s… wow.”

Lincoln nods, impressed with Clarke. “Here, come with me. I’ll introduce you to whom I refer to her to as Indra’s second. “ Clarke follows Lincoln back into the party and through the crowd. They head down to the lounge area and Lincoln walks up to a brunette, sitting away from Clarke. “Hey, let me introduce you to someone. Indra’s new recruitment.” The girl stands and turns.

Clarke’s eyes widen.

Her breath lodges in her throat.

Her legs tighten, locking into place.

She doesn’t blink.

“Clarke, this is Lexa. She’s a graduate assistant too, but more in charge thanks to Indra. Lexa, this is Clarke. Indra just discovered her.”

Lexa smirks and holds out her hand.

“Clarke.”

There’s a pause. She’s expecting Clarke to react.

Snapping out of her daze, Clarke reaches out to Lexa’s hand. She overestimates the distance, though, and grabs Lexa’s forearm instead.

Lexa doesn’t react. She just closes her own hand around Clarke’s forearm and shakes before letting again.

Clarke lets out a breath.

“Lexa.” She says.

“So you’ve met Indra? How did you manage to catch her eye?”

Clarke swallows hard. “She… I was arguing with… Diana, I think, and Indra seemed to appreciate that.”

Lexa’s eyes widen. “You took on Diana?”

Clarke shrugs. “I guess?”

“Yeah… impressive.” Lexa smirks again.

“I got to go.” Lincoln says, excusing himself.

Lexa waves slightly before turning back to Lexa. “So, Clarke,” she says her name as if she knows Clarke’s secrets. The word climbs under Clarke’s skin and scratches. Clarke tries to shake it off. “Are you a political science student?” She finally asks. Clarke nods, not trusting herself to answer verbally.

Lexa seems amused. She raises her eyebrows.

“Yes. But just a minor.”

Lexa spreads her hands out in acceptance. “That’s enough for now. Are you in any political science classes?”

Clarke tilts her head in confusion. There’s no way Lexa didn’t recognize her. Their class is small; Lexa calls her out in class by name often. “Uhm, yes. International Relations.” She answers.

“Oh, that’s my favorite class to teach. Students tend to be more vocal in it.”

Clarke’s skin burns. “I’ve enjoyed it.”

“That’s good.”

“So… Indra.” Clarke says, panicking. “What should I expect?”

Lexa smiles, glancing down. “Here,” she gestures to the couch behind her and sits. Clarke stays rooted in her spot for too long before following, sitting next to Lexa. She’s sure to leave at least an inch between them. “So, Indra.” Lexa says, copying Clarke’s tone. “You can expect much. She is not a soft person. By being signaled out by her, though it means good things, it also means you cannot slack ever again. She will always be watching and she expects a lot out of her students.” Clarke nods, enjoying falling away with Lexa’s voice, in a different way than she does in class. In class, Lexa’s voice is a rushing river and Clarke claws for the edges, knowing she shouldn’t be in it. She grips for roots to hold onto, but is swept under the choppy waves.

Here, though, the river comes to a calm pause. The waterfalls are left behind in favor of still waters. Clarke can float, without fear. She can let herself be slowly drifted down the river.

But she knows another fall is coming.

“How many students does she… recruit?” Clarke asks, coming up for air.

“About three a year. She always has about fifteen undergrads and three grads under her wing. She goes to a lot of events, either to get funding or make a difference in the city’s government itself. She takes one undergrad and one grad student with her to each one. Currently, myself, Anya and Aden are her designated grad students. And I guess you are the newest of the fifteen undergrads. Welcome.”

“Thank you.” Clarke smiles, finally allowing herself to study Lexa’s face. Her thick lips are curled slightly and her green eyes have a soft shine about them. One you cannot overlook but also doesn’t overwhelm. They are a focal point on the narrow, smooth face, and Clarke shakes her head.

The water is getting rocky again.

“Uhm…” Clarke starts, prepared to conjure up an excuse to get out of the river.

“Clarke, tell me. What are your hopes for the semester?”

Relief replaces the fear. “Really, I hope to take advantage of the new opportunities to build on my beliefs.”

“What do you mean?”

Clarke feels herself relax into the conversation. She forgets for a moment that she’s talking to Miss Woods and falls into the comfort of a conversation with Lexa. “Getting away from home means I get to grow as an individual. I get to take charge of my own life. I really hope to be challenged, through experiences and conversations. The idea of having arguments with those who are different than me, who have had different lives and different beliefs, is sweet. It’s the sort of experience you can’t get alone, no matter the amount of books you read or documentaries you watch.”

Lexa nods, listening intently as Clarke explains. “Good desires, Clarke Griffin.”

Clarke smiles, sitting forward in victory. “Ha! Lincoln never said my last name. You do recognize me.”

Lexa chuckles. “Of course I recognize you, Clarke. I see you twice a week every week.”

“You just… you were acting like you didn’t know me.”

“I don’t know you, Clarke. You cannot get to know someone by lecturing them every once in a while. Who you are, Clarke, is not who sits in my classroom.”

Clarke sits in silence, filtering the claim Lexa just made. “I guess…” Clarke is interrupted by Raven, who sighs as she falls into the chair next to Clarke.

“Octavia just ditched me.” She proclaims. “What are you doing over here?”

Clarke doesn’t answer immediately. She’s not confident enough in Raven’s poker face. Unfortunately, as Clarke is searching for a usable answer, Lexa takes the question.

“Hi. Clarke and I were just talking. I’m Lexa.”

Just as she suspected, Raven’s entire demeanor changes. Her eyes widen and her posture drastically fixes. She looks between Lexa and Clarke, clueing into Clarke’s expression too late.

Lexa chuckles. Clarke feels herself start to burst into flames.

“Sorry. I’m just… Hi, I’m Raven. It’s good to meet you…?”

“Lexa.”

“Right, sorry. Lexa. Are you one of the grad students?”

Lexa nods. “I work under Indra, the department head.”

“Yeah, I met Indra earlier with Clarke. She-“

“Lincoln told me. Clarke has officially been recruited, I heard. It’s all very exciting.”

“Yeah… it is.”

Clarke wants to scream. Instead, she stands and grabs Raven’s hand. “I’m sorry, Lexa. Raven and I have to head out. It was good talking, though.”

Lexa doesn’t stand or respond, just does the same head-bow that Indra did. Clarke yanks at Raven, pulling her out of the party and out of the river to safety.

 


	6. Accepting

“Clarke. Get up. You’re being dramatic.” Raven says, throwing another pillow at Clarke’s face.

“No. One absence won’t kill me.”

“Clarke, everyone gets crushes. It’s not a big deal.”

“She’s my _teacher_ , Raven.”

“So? You also enjoy the class and the department as a whole. Hell, you newest of Indra’s political posse.” Raven reminds her, sitting on the edge of her bed and pushing at her legs. “People get to know their teachers when they’re involved with the department. It just happens. And that’s okay.”

“Raven…”

“Clarke, cut the shit and get up. You’re Clarke Griffin. You’re bigger than this.”

Clarke glares at Raven, huffing it frustration. ‘You’re bigger than this’ echoes in her head and Clarke knows she has to get up and dive back in that river. Or something.

She sits up, groaning, which gets a grin out of Raven.

“There you go. Now hurry. I’m leaving in ten minutes with or without you.” Raven says, leaving Clarkes room.

She pulls on a grey shirt and grabs her black leather jacket, repeating to herself over and over again that she had control over her own thoughts, as hopeless as it seems.

“Good luck.” Raven wishes as they part ways on campus. Clarke offers a tight smile in response.

Clarke arrives before Lexa and therefore is able to choose a seat in the back row, farthest from where Lexa normally stands. She pulls out her computer and notebook, prepared to look down as much as possible.

The door opens a few minutes later and Clarke fights the desire to look up at Lexa. Instead, she opens her document filled with notes for the class and adds the date and subject for the day.

“Good morning, class.” Lexa greets. The sound runs straight through Clarke and she shifts in her seat. “Since I enjoy this class so much, I’ve decided to give a quiz over last nights readings.” There are no groans in response, Clarke notices. The class has come to expect these quizzes.

A paper gets handed to Clarke and she begins reading over the questions. She answers them quickly and turns the paper over. Without thinking, she looks forward to signal she is finished.

Lexa is already looking at her.

Clarke catches her gaze.

She tries to look away and fails.

Lexa grins and raises one eyebrow.

Clarke feels goose bumps raise all over her arms and the back of her neck. She sucks in a breath, causing her skin to prickle. Lexa nods and looks away, scanning the room. Clarke lets out the breath and looks back down to her page.

“Everyone finished?” There are a few nods. “Okay, pass them up.” Clarke hands her paper to the person sitting in front of her and then pushes her hands in the pockets of her jacket, needing the warmth as Lexa begins speaking. “Chapter twelve…” Clarke’s breaths are jagged but she’s able to calm her heart rate and focus on the readings.

She answers a few of Lexa’s questions. Speaking up in classes were never a problem, but speaking to Lexa with dozens of eyes on her caused her hands to shake.

“I’m glad you brought that up, Miss Griffin.” Lexa said before launching into another discussion.

The way she says Miss Griffin is cold, distant. Miss Griffin is the lady across the street that keeps calling to complain about your dog. Miss Griffin is the joke that applies for a job they have no qualifications for.

Clarke, however, is the one who brings you coffee in the morning. The way Clarke ran off Lexa’s tongue on Saturday could get a whole family warm during the winter.

            Clarke bites her lip and closes her eyes, sweeping the thoughts to the back of her mind. Somehow she manages to be completely present for the remainder of the class. Lexa once again becomes Miss Woods and Clarke allows herself to stay Miss Griffin for the next thirty minutes.

 * * *

            Clarke knocks, her heart beating faster than she’s comfortable with. When she hears a rough “Come in” she pushes the door open and glances around the room.

            Books are piled on top of one another on the back wall, almost creating small towers. The walls are decorated with frames and art, including everything from Indra’s doctorate certificate to some sort of animal skin and horns.

            “Ah, Clarke.” Indra says, gesturing to the seat in front of her desk. “I was wondering when I would see you again.”

            “Hello again, professor…” Clarke realizes then that she never got Indra’s last name. She feels her face heat up from embarrassment. She can’t address the head of the department by her first name, but she also can’t sit there with her mouth open and no words coming out.

            Thankfully Indra answers for her. “Porter.”

            “Sorry, Professor Porter.”

            “I never told you. It is fine. So, Clarke, I assume by seeing you in my office that you have accepted my offer?”

            Clarke nods. “Yes, ma’am. I would love to study under you. I’ve heard wonderful things.”

            “I’m glad.” Professor Porter responds. “You must know, though, before you truly accept. By studying with me you are agreeing to be held at a higher standard than all the other undergrads.” Clarke nods. “Good. You also agree to attend events with me. I will let you know when they are and which ones I want you to go to. I understand if it is last minute, which is rare, or if you become extremely ill and need to decline. However, those are the only times I will accept a decline. This is an opportunity that is to be taken seriously. It is to be a top priority.”

            “Yes, of course. I would be honored to attend any events with you.”

            Professor Porter nods in that almost royalty way she does. “Good. This will be a great experience for you. Please, leave your information here and I will be in contact.” She slides over a piece of paper that has places for name, address, number and email. Clarke fills it out with care, being sure to use her best handwriting. “Thank you. You may go now.”

            Clarke nods and stands, leaving the room more nervous than when she entered.

 * * *

            “I’m not taking no for an answer.” Clarke says, resting her hands on her hips. “You’re coming with us. Lincoln can join if he wants.”

            Octavia rolls her eyes. “I am not inviting Lincoln to come to an animal shelter with us.”

            “Okay then tell him you’ll meet him in an hour because Raven and I need time with some puppies.”

            “Okay,” Octavia huffs. “Fine. Just let me get a jacket.”

            Clarke smiles in victory. She opens the front door, leaning against it while waiting for Octavia. “Raven’s in the car.” She says as Octavia follows her to the street. “This will be good for all of us. You know, it’s scientifically proven that spending time with dogs and cats lowers stress levels.”

            “What if you’re allergic? Or scared?”

            Clarke shrugs. “Enjoy being stressed then? I guess? I don’t know, Tay, just appreciate the puppies.”

            Octavia laughs at Clarke’s struggle, climbing into the back seat of the car.

            Raven pulls out onto the street and Clarke rolls down the windows, letting the wind whip in the car and cloak their faces as they drive. The arrive at the shelter ten minutes later and Clarke hops out of the car, excitement taking over.

            “This is the best reward for getting through a finals week.” She says.

            “I thought the reward was meeting the love of your life at a party?” Raven responds.

            Clarke frowns and gently punches Raven. “I’m trying to not think about that, Raven.”

            “I know.”

            Clarke picks the first dog they take out, an older pit bull. She sits in one of the cages as the dog bounds around, taking advantage of his time outside. Clarke watches with a small smile, imagining what it would be like to have no worries, no cares.

            “We need a dog.” She says.

            “No, we don’t.” Raven answers instantly. “You promised you wouldn’t try to adopt one if we came today.”

            “I’m not going to. I’m just saying. We need one.”

            “We don’t have time for one.”

            “I think you should get one. It would get me to come over more.” Octavia adds.

            Raven groans. “Not helping. Plus, you should come over to hang out with your best friends, not with a dog.”

            “Everyone becomes more interesting when they have a dog.” Clarke says, which Octavia agrees with, throwing a hand out in Clarke’s direction to prove a point.

            The dog, Bruiser, as his tag said, runs over to Clarke and jumps in her lap with no warning. He licks her face, slobber running down her neck. She laughs, despite the amount of dog saliva now on her face, and rubs her hands all over his fur. He calms down slightly and Clarke wraps her hands around his face and turns it to face Raven. “Look at this angel. Look at him and say no.”

            “Clarke…” Bruiser wriggles out of Clarke’s grip then and runs away once more, suddenly becoming very interested with the other side of the cage. “Are you sure you’re not just lonely?” Raven asks.

            “I’m not lonely, Raven. I have you guys. And other people.”

            “But…” Raven begins.

            “Really, Raven. I’m fine. I just love dogs.”

            “Okay, well how about instead of adopting a dog we just throw another party? We haven’t had the gang over in more than a month.” Raven says.

            “I think that’s a good idea.” Octavia agrees. “This weekend could work. I could invite Zoe and Lincoln.”

            “And I’ll bring Niylah. It could be nice to have another chill night with the group to get your mind off… school.”

            Clarke scoffs. She’s about to decline but comes up at a loss with a reason not to. She finally nods. “Sounds like a plan.”


	7. Distractions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains Clarke with someone other than Lexa.  
> Also, there will be soft smut at the end. If you do not want to read it, you can skip the ending of the chapter.  
> Enjoy!

 

Bellamy shows up a few hours before the party to help Clarke and Raven clean the apartment. He also brings over all the adult beverages and makes Clarke promise not to let him get too drunk. She doesn’t. The party starts at nine, when everyone starts to show up. Clarke has a movie playing and welcomes the guests as they arrive. Jasper has a girl on his arm, Maya, and Monty explains that they just met that week. Octavia shows up later with Zoe and Lincoln, who pulls Clarke into a hug and starts asking her about school. He says Indra is going on a trip in two weeks and he suggested Clarke should go with her. Clarke thanks him and updates him on her short meeting with Indra.

A couple other guests arrive. Clarke had said to bring friends, and they took that literally. There were two guys named Miller and Murphy. A girl who said to call her Fox, Harper and a strange guy named Atom.

The last only lasted about an hour before both Lincoln and Bellamy scared him away. Got too close to Octavia.

The last one to arrive is Niylah. She introduces herself to everyone and hugs Raven in greeting.

"Hi, I'm Clarke, Raven's roommate." Clarke says, holding out her hand.

Niylah takes it with a smile. "Yes, I know. Raven has told me about you."

Clarke turns to Raven who takes that moment to leave the scene and get a drink with Zoe. Clarke internally rolls her eyes before returning to Niylah. “Raven has a lot to say about me, I’m sure. And honestly, it’s all true.”

“Really?” Niylah laughs. “So you did spend a whole week living in the wild just to prove that you could?”

Clarke’s face reddens, but she chuckles at the memory. “Well less ‘wild’ and more behind my family’s house. Honestly, there were a couple nights I snuck in while everyone was asleep to steal food and use the toilet.”

Niylah’s head dips back with laughter and she reaches out, grabbing Clarke’s arm for stability. “Well, still. I’m impressed. Not many people could handle it alone.”

Clarke leads Niylah to the center of the party, otherwise known as their living room, and they sit on the couch. Clarke folds her leg under as she sits so she’s facing Niylah completely. “What about you?” She asks. “Ever tried to live off the earth just to spite everyone who told you you couldn’t?”

“Can’t say that I have.” Niylah answers. “But does going on a forty day hiking trip count?”

“You did that?” Clarke asks, already impressed without hearing the details. “How? When?”

Niylah chuckles. “Yeah. It was just me and my dad. We backpacked through Wyoming. It was pretty great.”

“Wait,” Clarke sits forward, engulfed in a story that hadn’t even begun yet. “Tell me more. What did you eat? What did you take with you? Did you scale any mountains? See any bears?”

Niylah’s smile softens as Clarke lists off her questions. She tilts her head, watching Clarke gesture, obviously passionate about the subject. When she’s done asking questions, Niylah takes a breath, launching into the detailed explanation all about the adventures. “We started off with some simple protein bars just to keep us going until we could find food. We really only took a small tent and some basic supplies, like ropes and knifes. Yes, we scaled mountains. I learned all about how to use the tools, such as crampons and ice axes. And yes, we saw bears. We actually had to hang our food from trees at night so the bears couldn’t get to them. The whole experience really was incredible. You should do it sometime. It’s amazing to just disappear for a while. To forget about everything happening here, leave your life on pause and just live on your own. Feel nature.” Niylah continues, answering other questions Clarke shoots at her and mapping out where they hiked when Clarke pulled up a map of Wyoming. Clarke didn’t keep track with how long they talked, but eventually she excused herself to get a drink.

She pours whiskey into a glass of coke and jumps on the counter, swinging her legs as she does. She makes eye contact with Raven who instantly shushes Bellamy and heads over.

“What’s up?”

“Raven, listen closely.” Clarke says, leaning forward.

“Okay.”

“No. I mean listen very closely. Pay close attention.”

“For god’s sake, Clarke, stop being a drama-queen and spit it out.”

“I just want you to be paying attention because you will never hear me say this again.” Clarke leans back, smirking. “You were right.”

“I knew it!” Raven yells. The guests turn to inspect the sudden outbursts but Raven just waves them off “Clarke doesn’t like coke in rum,” Raven reaches out, pulling the drink away from Clarke, ignoring Clarke’s protests. “I knew she wouldn’t.” Raven takes a swig to drive the point home to the other members of the party.

Clarke hears a “weak” coming from the group of guys. She guess it’s the new one, Murphy something. She just rolls her eyes and pulls the drink back from Raven. “Don’t take my drink again.”

“Sorry. Anyways. I knew it.” She says, quieter.

“You knew what?”  
            “That you would hit it off with Niylah.” Raven wags her eyebrows, bumping Clarke with her shoulder. “So. Hot, isn’t she?”

Clarke sighs. “Yeah, Raven. She’s hot. But she’s also nice. And cultured. And smart.”

Raven jumps, clapping. “I freaking knew it. You two are going to be so cute together.”

“Hold your horses, matchmaker. I can’t just jump into something with her.”

“And why not? It’s not like you have any other suitors knocking at your door.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“You know what I mean. I’m just saying… you need to get over Lexa. And Niylah is great. I think you’ll really like her.”

Clarke bits her lip and lets out a breath of frustration. “Fine. You’re right. Just… don’t let me do anything stupid.”

“No promises.” Raven taps Clarke’s nose before walking away. She grabs Miller, and pulls him outside. Clarke assumes its for a smoke break, things that only happen when Raven is especially drunk.

Clarke returns to Niylah, who hasn’t moved from the couch but has been joined by Zoe.

“Hey. Thought you didn’t like coke and whiskey?” Niylah comments, pointing to the drink Clarke is still nursing.

“I do. Raven’s an idiot.” Clarke plops down next to Zoe, forcing her into the middle. “I’m also finally feeling the affects of the alcohol.”

Niylah laughs. “That’s good. Maybe I should catch up then.” With that, Niylah heads to the kitchen, mixing herself a drink.

“So… Zoe.”

“Call me Monroe.”

“Why?”

Zoe shrugs, leaning back against the couch. “Everyone does.”

“Reason enough.” Clarke accepts. “So, Monroe. What are you studying again?”

“Design.” She answers. “But it’s a loose study right now. I’m thinking about changing.”

“To what?”

“Don’t know yet. Maybe business. I really love wrestling and the ROTC so maybe something that incorporates that.” Clarke is about to respond when Niylah returns, holding her own drink and three shots.

“Got one for everyone.” She says, gently setting them down. “Click, table, drink?”

Clarke nods, picking up her shot of whiskey and following Niylah’s lead. The shot hits her quickly.

Two drinks and three shots later, Clarke finds herself dancing in the middle of the living room. She closes her eyes, moving with the music. Miller and Harper join her, twirling her occasionally.

Suddenly, Clarke is pulled off to the side. The movement is too quick for Clarke to keep up with and it takes her a solid five seconds to comprehend she’s been moved. She blinks, turning her head to find who moved her.

Instead, she’s caught in a kiss. The shock of it doesn’t last long, and she quickly wraps her hand around Niylah’s neck. She pulls back slightly, catching Niylah’s eyes. Niylah scan’s her face, looking for a sign to stop.

Clarke smiles.

            Clarke turns to scan the party. Lincoln is sober, watching Octavia loudly talk with Raven. Most everyone is either dancing or sitting on the couch. There are a few on the floor. Fox seems to be mostly sober as well, so Clarke spins back to Niylah and grabs her hand.

            Clarke guides Niylah to her bedroom, closing the door and locking it behind them. She pushes Niylah on the bed, staring down at her as Niylah starts to pull at her shirt.

            “Are you sure you want to do this?” Niylah asks. Clarke nods, biting her lip hard before crawling on the bed. She hovers above Niylah, looking down at her. She sits back and pulls her hand down Niylah’s now bare chest.

            “You’re beautiful.” She whispers. Niylah sits forward, meeting Clarke with a passionate kiss. Clarke pushes Niylah forward, chasing at her tongue with her own. She uses one hand to tangle into Niylah’s hair and the other to begin undoing her pants. She slips her hands under Niylah’s pants and gently pulls her finger over the damp underwear.

            Niylah’s hips thrust up and she throws her head back, moaning. “Fuck. Clarke.”

            Clarke smirks and moves down Niylah’s body, kissing as she goes. She sucks a mark on the bottom of her neck and pulls Niylah’s nipple between her teeth. Niylah gasps and Clarke moves lower, taking her time above the panty line. She moves up again, pulling Niylah into a breathless kiss as they both wiggle out of their paints.

            Finally, Clarke rips Niylah’s underwear off and thrusts her tongue forward, savoring the feeling of Niylah’s hips jerking.

            Clarke’s unsure how long they move together, sweating and moaning. The alcohol dims her idea of time and heightens every touch. Unsure and not caring what was happening at the center of the party, Clarke pulls Niylah in for an after sex, lazy kiss. She tastes herself on Niylah’s lips and smiles into the kiss, chasing Niylah’s lips with her teeth.

            Clarke turns to her side, positioning her back away from Niylah and lets her smile fall. Despite the after orgasm bliss that fills her, Clarke’s skin still ripples with need. Her heart clenches with every memory and the last thing she imagines before she falls asleep is a different body lying next to her.


	8. Be Professional.

Raven pulls the car into the driveway and honks twice. Clarke, despite saying multiple times that she didn’t want to join, sits in the back seat with her feet resting in the middle consol. Her head lays back and she stares at the top of the car, tracing imaginary lines with her eyes. A tree, some tigers, maybe a deer. A pair of eyes. A heart. An elaborate landscape of the woods.

Clarke rolls her eyes at her own stupidity and sits forward as the side door opens and Niylah hops in. She leans over and pecks Clarke’s lips, who accepts but doesn’t retaliate. She turns where she’s sitting to be further away from everyone else in the car and drops her head against the window, watching buildings rush past as Raven drives and Octavia plays song after song. Occasionally one of the girls will ask Clarke a question and she’ll answer with a word or two. Soon they leave her alone completely.

The day at the art museum is spent with Clarke walking either much faster or slower than the group, masking her speed with how long she looks at a painting. Niylah asks her what’s wrong and Clarke uses the dependable ‘I’m just tired’ answer. Niylah seems to accept the answer, even if she doesn’t believe it, and returns to Octavia and Raven.

The days following the party were normal. They lasted twenty-four hours. They consisted of studying and a few classes. Octavia officially became Lincoln’s girlfriend. Raven drilled Clarke about Niylah. Everyone went to sleep at night and woke up in the morning. Seven days of normal, mundane activities. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. School. Home. Gym. Library. Group chats. Texts from Niylah. Normal.

But Clarke floated through it all as if everything and everyone was covered in a thick layer of fog. Dust blew off everything Clarke touched.

She knew she was tired. She didn’t like Niylah that way. She was a distraction. And the truth in that stabbed at Clarke. Long knifes of guilt sliced at her. And the pain that formed was laced with shame of still longing for Lexa, the only one who was off-limits. Maybe one more night and she would sleep without being woken by dreams. Maybe another day and her feelings would be transferred from Lexa to Niylah. Maybe it would all float away and Clarke would be satisfied with what she had and would go to sleep with a smile on her face.

Maybe. But probably not.

 * * *

“Is this okay?” Clarke asks, holding up a structured black dress. “Business classy enough?”

Raven feels the material and grabs the dress from Clarke. She turns it over, and nods. “Not slutty, not boring. I think it’s good. But I’ve never been to a politics… thing before.”

“It’s a fundraising event, Raven. And it’s the first event I’m going to with Indra. Lincoln suggested me so everything has to be perfect. Indra could still decide I’m not good enough.”

“She’s not going to, though. You’ll do great.”

Clarke’s unconvinced, but chooses to not reply. She pulls the dress on and starts on her hair, curling it into loose waves and pinning it back. “So?”

Raven scans Clarke, pulls a hair off the bottom of the dress, and nods. “Perfect. You’re going to blow them away, superstar.”

Clarke scoffs. “Thanks, Mom.” She fills her small red bag with the essentials and grabs her car keys. “I’ll be back late.”

“Don’t do drugs!” Raven calls as Clarke pulls the door shut behind her. Clarke laughs and mutters ‘whatever’.

She parks in front of what she hopes is Indra’s house, twenty minutes later. She’s ten minutes early and decides to sit in her car for a few minutes before heading to the front door. Her heart punches at her chest and she takes a deep breath in order to calm it. She knocks at the front door, closes her eyes to breath, and opens them when the door opens.

“Clarke. Hello.”

Lexa. Shit.

“Hello, Miss Woods.” She says in a stiff voice.

Lexa smiles. “Please call me Lexa when we attend these events.”

“Okay, Lexa.”

“Come in.” Lexa steps to the side, giving Clarke room to walk past her and into Indra’s house. “Indra is getting her things together and then we will head out. She’s presenting at this event, so we are in charge of making sure everything runs smoothly.” Clarke’s heart starts punching again. Lexa must notice because she offers Clarke a smile and drapes her hand over her shoulder. “Don’t worry. I’ll walk you through it as we go.” She moves her hand and Clarke’s shoulder is suddenly extremely cold.

“Thank you.” Lexa nods. Clarke smiles. Indra walks in.

“Clarke Griffin. Welcome to my home. Are you ready for your first Porter event?”

“Yes, Professor.”

“Indra, today, Clarke. It softens the blow to all the idiots we will be conning money out of.”

Clarke laughs. Then stops short, worried that she should stay serious and professional.

“There will be no conning.” Lexa clarifies. “Just persistent convincing.” Lexa takes a bag from Indra and passes it to Clarke, who takes it without question. “We will be at the event for about three hours. In the car you’ll need to review all the people we know of that will be attending. You will be expected to hold intelligent conversations with them and get them interested in the work we are doing at the university. When you can, direct them to me or Indra and we will take it from there.” Clarke nods, filing all the information away. Lexa notices her nervous expression and offers a re-affirming smile. “Don’t worry, Clarke. You’ll do great. “

“Let’s go.” Indra said, heading to the front door. Clarke follows, listening as Lexa throws a couple more tips her way. When they climb into the car, Clarke in the back seat, Lexa passes back a computer and instructs her to go through the folder of pictures, names and facts. Clarke does, doing her best to repeat the names silently until she has them memorized.

When they arrive, Indra heads off to set up for her talk. Lexa pats Clarke on the back, wishes her good luck, and tells her to ask if she needs anything.

“Thank you, Sir. I’m learning so much from Professor Porter.” Clarke says to one of the businessmen she remembers as Mr. Walker. “It’s been an amazing opportunity.”

The man smiles, adjusting his orange tie, “Miss Griffin, what are your thoughts on R and D’s spending and federal research being focused on defense?” He asks, obviously quizzing Clarke.

            “Well, the two-year budget deal was just approved by Congress and the president and is likely to increase science spending. The question is not if they have the money to spend, I think, but if they should spend it on this. My opinions on the matter remain unsure, as I enjoy hearing everyone’s opinions, but there are multiple issues in the economy that I think could be dealt with before this subject is exhausted too much.” Clarke smiles, pleased with her answer and Mr. Walker’s impressed response. The conversation continues until Clarke brings up the funding and Indra’s upcoming talk. Mr. Walker promises to consider it and heads up to talk with other guests.

            Clarke turns to find Lexa with her arms crossed, watching Clarke intensely. “Lexa.” Clarke greets.

            “Clarke. Impressive.”

            “Thank you. I have a great teacher.” Clarke is shocked at her own confidence. The success from her conversation with Mr. Walker seems to be carrying over, giving her the bravery to talk to Lexa.

            Lexa smiles. “It’s easy to be a good teacher when your students are smart and eager to learn. Would you like a glass of champagne, Clarke? It’s an open bar.”

            “Yes, thank you.” Clarke follows Lexa to the bar. No one asks for an ID. Everyone assumes those attending are old enough to have one glass of champagne.

            “How are you feeling, Clarke?” Lexa asks as they walk away from the bar.

            Clarke is slightly caught off guard by the question due to being distracted by the soft, fitted peach dress Lexa is wearing and the way it drapes in the back. She pulls her eyes up and feels her heart start punching again, this time from a different type of nerves. “What do you mean?”

            “With all this.” Lexa gestures vaguely. “I know it can be overwhelming at first.”

            “Oh… right.” An overwhelming need to drop her champagne and pull Lexa towards her washes over Clarke. She wants nothing more than to drop the act, forget about the event, and run her fingers through Lexa’s hair.

But she’s here for a reason. A good reason. And she will be a professional. “I’m good.” She says, silencing all other thoughts. “It’s been fun to challenge myself with these conversations.”

            “You seem to be holding your own. I’m pleased with your progress, and I think Indra is too. Which is not something to be taken lightly.” As they walk, Lexa is pushed closer to Clarke by the crowd. Soon, her arm brushes Clarke’s, sending waves of pleasure and stress through Clarke’s body. But the good kind of stress. The anxious kind.

            Clarke stops walking. Lexa turns to face her, grinning. “I’m glad you’re here, Clarke.”

            Clarke swallows hard. “Me too. It’s a wonderful opportunity.”

            “It is.” Lexa takes a step bad, taking all the warm air with her. “Continue the good work, Clarke. Indra’s speech is in thirty minutes. You have twenty minutes to get as many people as interested in funding us as possible then you are to meet me by the stage to prepare.”

            Clarke nods. “Okay.”

            “I’ll see you then.” Lexa bows her head and turns, leaving Clarke behind.

Clarke is able to talk to three people, including a councilwoman, before she has to meet Lexa. Lexa already has Indra’s speech organized and prepared. Clarke is sent to make sure the technician has all the slides ready. While she’s speaking to them, Lexa walks on stage and introduces Indra.

Everything runs smoothly. Clarke is amazed at Indra’s grace and confidence. She holds the room’s attention for the entire speech, commanding to be heard.

They leave the event having reached and surpassed their donation goal. Indra congratulates Clarke on her performance and Lexa agrees, causing Clarke’s face to heat up.

Clarke drives home that night feeling like she was living instead of just being for the first time in two weeks.


	9. One More Chance.

“Clarke, give her another chance.” Octavia says, dropping her plate on the table. “She likes you. You two get along. And better still, she’s not your teacher.”

Clarke groans and drops her head to the table.

“Octavia is right, Clarke.” Raven says. “I saw you two talking. You get along really well. I know you like her. At least a little bit.”

“Guys… I know you mean well but… don’t you think its unfair to her? I can't be with Niylah while I’m still hung up on someone else.”

“Why not?” Raven asks.

“Because… that’s horrible. No one wants to be a second choice. I just know if… if Lexa asked me, I would drop everything to be with her.”

“No, you wouldn’t, Clarke. You barely know her. And it’s against so many rules. And she’s way older than you and-“

Octavia interrupts at that. “While I agree with everything Raven is saying, the age thing is a mute point. Lexa is closer to your age than Lincoln is to mine.”

Raven rolls her eyes. “But Lincoln never was and never will be your teacher.” Raven turns back to Clarke. “Look. If you’re completely honest with Niylah, I know she would understand. She’s not one to move fast.”

“Raven, we had sex the first time we hung out.”

“Clarke, that was a party. You were both drunk and-“

“Not an excuse.”

“And,” Raven stresses, ignoring Clarke’s interruptions, “I mean with a relationship. She’s laid back. She won’t need everything immediately. She’ll understand your worries and feelings. You can be honest with her.”

Clarke sits forward, falling into the conversation. “So you’re saying I can walk up to her and say, ‘hey, dude. I know we had sex but I’m not sure I actually like you as more than a friend. Sure you’re hot and fun to talk to but I’m hung up on one of my teachers. Want to go on a date?’”

Octavia and Raven sit in silence for a moment before Octavia starts laughing. “Maybe with softer words, Clarke.”

“Yeah…” Raven agrees. “Be kind. But be honest. I don’t believe you don’t like her at all. And you’ll never know how you really feel until you try. One date, Clarke. Then we will drop the subject forever.”

Clarke lets out an aggravated moan before conceding. “Fine. One date.”

 * * *

‘One date’ came two days later. Wednesday night, two and a half weeks after the party, three days after the event with Lexa. Niylah picks Clarke up and takes her to a Mediterranean restaurant. She had a table reserved near the back, where the light was subtle, glowing in a way that made eyes shine bright and skin soft. Clarke sat across from Niylah, smiling her way through pre-dinner conversation. At the beginning, Clarke answered all Niylah’s questions with a thin layer of contempt against Octavia and Raven for making her do this. But quickly that layer is scraped away and Clarke joins the conversation entirely, remembering that she enjoys Niylah’s presence.

When the meal comes their conversation thins. During one particularly long silence, Clarke hears Raven tell her to be honest.

“So… Niylah.”

“Yes, Clarke?”

Clarke feels her skin behind her neck burn slightly with anxiety and her hands shake. “I need to be honest…”

“Okay.”

Clarke takes a deep breath and crosses her feet three times before starting. “I’m not sure… uhm. You’re amazing. I love being with you and talking with you but… I’m just not sure how I feel.”

“That’s okay, Clarke. You don’t have to know how you feel.” Niylah smiles and reaches out, wrapping her hand around Clarke’s.

Clarke’s mind starts buzzing with self-consciousness. Niylah now knows she’s shaking-she’s nervous. She takes a deep breath and looks at the table as she continues. “I like you, but I’m hung up on someone else. Someone I can’t be with, but I also can’t get her out of my mind. So that’s why I’ve been distant. I feel bad for talking with you when I can’t even figure out my own feelings.”

Niylah pulls her hand away, causing Clarke to look up, worried she’s angry. Luckily, she’s still smiling at Clarke. “Thank you for being honest with me, Clarke.” She says, voice soft. “I don’t expect you to know your feelings. And we don’t have to try and be anything more than friends now.”

“I’m so sorry, Niylah.” Clarke whispers.

“Don’t be sorry, Clarke. I understand.”

Clarke’s heart doesn’t slow down and her hand doesn’t stop shaking, but her skin does cool off. She says a silent thank you and goes back to poking at her food.

“So, friends?” Niylah asks.

Clarke smiles. “I’d love that.”

“Good. And as friends, you can tell me who this other girl is.”

            “Oh…” Clarke chuckles with nerves. “Her name is Lexa. It’s nothing.”

            “Why not?”

            Clarke doesn’t debate long before she says, “I’d actually rather not talk about it.” Niylah accepts this and their conversation moves on from there.

            “So, I know this isn’t a date anymore,” Niylah says as they walk out of the restaurant, “but I had planned on going to get frozen yogurt after this. Do you still want to?”

            “Yeah, sure.” Clarke pushes her hands into her pockets as they walk and ducks her face against the wind. Niylah must have mapped out the frozen yogurt store before because she leads them right to it without having to retrieve the car. They each fill their cups, Clarke being generous with the crushed Oreos in her own, and head to the checkout. Clarke offers to pay, since Niylah paid for dinner, and Niylah lets her.

            “So why mechanical engineering?” Clarke asks as they choose a small table by the window.

            “I’m intrigued with the way things work and how they run.” Niylah says. “So I thought this would be a cool way to study it further, and create a job out of it.”

            “It sounds interesting, although really hard.”

            “Not any harder than premed or political science.”

            “I’d disagree.” Niylah chuckles and Clarke smiles, looking out the window for a brief moment.

            When she looks back, she catches a familiar face out of the corner of her eye. She turns and sees Lexa smiling at her, accompanied by a women Clarke doesn’t recognize. Clarke feels her breath stop as Lexa makes her way to their table. She glances at Niylah who tilts her head in confusion before looking back at Lexa.

            “Clarke.” Lexa greets.

            Clarke tightens her shoulders and forces a polite smile. “Lexa.” She sees Niylah tense up at the name and she silently curses herself for being careless and Lexa for always being there. The air grows heavier with each second, pushing on Clarke’s chest.

            “This is Anya.” Lexa gestures to the girl with her. “One of Indra’s other grad students. Anya, this is Clarke, the newest undergrad.”

            Anya bows her head. “It’s nice to meet you.”

            “You too.”

            “And who is this?” Lexa asks, turning to Niylah, who stands when being addressed. Clarke follows suit awkwardly, unsure of what to do, wanting the night to be over.

“I’m Niylah. Clarke’s…”

“Friend.” Clarke finishes. Niylah glances at her with eyebrows pushed together. Clarke looks away.

Lexa holds out her hand and Niylah grudgingly takes it. “Lexa. I’m Clarke’s…” She glances at Clarke and raises her eyebrow in thought, “friend, as well.” For a moment Clarke thinks she’s having a heart attack when she hears the word ‘friend’. “How do you know Clarke?” Anya rolls her eyes from behind Lexa and heads back to making her frozen yogurt, obviously annoyed with the whole situation and how long it’s gone on.

“Through her roommate, Raven.”

“Yes, I’ve met Raven before. At a party Clarke and I both attended.”

“How funny. Clarke and I first met at a party too. Did your night also end in-“

            “Niylah!” Clark exclaims, shocked. Lexa raises her eyebrows again, turning to Clarke with her arms crossed.

            “Clarke Griffin.” She says, amusement and a hint of anger lacing her voice.

            “Oh, my god.” Clarke mutters, face hot with shock and legs shaking. “I…” Her eyes dart between Lexa’s questioning gaze and Niylah’s surprised and apologetic one. She gasps for breath but comes up short. She turns and heads toward the door, ignoring Niylah calling after her. She pushes the door and sucks in the air as she doubles over, resting her hands on her knees. She feels the night air scrape against her crawling skin and grits her teeth in pain.

            “…Clarke.” She hears from behind her.

            She takes in another deep breath and stands up straight. “I’m sorry, Lexa, I just…”

            “Clarke.” Lexa interrupts. “Are you okay?”

            Clarke turns to face Lexa, feeling her eyes heat up with tears. “Yeah, peachy.” She makes no attempt to hide the sarcasm. “Really, Lexa. I’m fine.”

            Lexa stares at Clarke and sighs. “No need to be embarrassed, Clarke. I get it.”

            Clarke shakes her head, laughing despite the growing beast of fear in her stomach. “God, Lexa!” She says through the laughing. She stops as suddenly as she began and bites her lip hard with her eyes closed before looking up again. “I’m not embarrassed,” She mutters, “I’m mortified.” Clarke shouts, angry at Lexa’s condescending tone.

            Lexa gapes at Clarke, taken off guard. She doesn’t allow a second to pass before sending out a counter-attack. “Well maybe you should be more careful with the company you keep, then, Clarke!”

            Clarke blinks. “The company I keep? You don’t get to lecture me on that, Lexa!”

            “I’m not lecturing, I’m just saying this whole situation could have been avoided if-“

            “If what? You have no right to tell me who I should spend my time with. It’s none of your business who I may or may not be dating. You’re my _teacher_ , Lexa.”

            “And friend!”

            “We aren’t friends!”

            Lexa steps back in disbelief. A tear falls down Clarke’s face and she shoves it away. “Clarke…”

            “I’m sorry, Lexa. But… you are… my teacher. That’s it.” Clarke sighs and turns around, leaving Lexa behind.

 

 


	10. Reconciliation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of you were unhappy with the last chapter, so I decided to post this one today to make up for it. Thanks for sticking with me and all the comments and kudos. Love you all.

            “What. The. Hell. Clarke!” Raven mutters as she walks through the front door and is met by a new roommate. She drops her bag and heads to Clarke’s room, where she finds her friend lying face down on the bed. The new arrival jumps on the bed and pushes his head under Clarke’s arm, licking her face. “Why is there a dog in our house?”

            Clarke groans and rolls over, pulling the dog with her. “His name is Professor Arky.”

            “I didn’t ask what his name is. I asked why he’s here.”

            Clarke sits up, pulling Arky into her lap and scratching his back. “I had a bad night.”

            “So you skipped classes to adopt a dog?”

            “Don’t worry, Raven. He’s completely my responsibility.”

            “I know he is.”

            “I just… I went to the shelter to calm down and I met this little guy and fell in love.”

            Raven crosses her arms but her eyebrows soften, revealing that her anger was slowly slipping away. After a long moment, Arky jumps off Clarke’s lap and paws at Ravens legs. Raven sighs and bends down, scooping the puppy up and smiling. “Fine. He is pretty cute.” Raven sits on the edge of Clarke’s bed, letting Arky jump away and roll in the covers. “So, I’m guessing the date didn’t go so well?”

            “It was fine until we went to frozen yogurt.” Clarke groans again and falls onto her back, covering her eyes with her hands. “I don’t know what happened, Raven. Lexa just showed up-“

            “Wait. What?”

            “We saw Lexa. She was there with Anya, one of the other grad students. I had told Niylah about Lexa and she sort of… got defensive as soon as Lexa walked over. It’s like they were ready to fight. Anyways… Niylah made it obvious that I had a thing for Lexa.”

            “How?”

            “She was… almost challenging Lexa. Almost told her that we had sex and I don’t know… I panicked. I ran outside and when Lexa followed, it was like I couldn’t process. I didn’t care anymore. I just yelled at her, which put her on the defense and I know she wasn’t judging me; she just had little sympathy-which she didn’t need sympathy because it wasn’t a big deal, I was just making it into a big deal so I made a fool of myself in front of Lexa and Niylah now thinks I hate her and-“

            Raven leans forward, pulling Clarke into a hug. “Hey, shh… Take a breath.” Clarke does. “Count to ten. Blow it out.” Clarke closes her eyes as she counts and lets her body relax. “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

            “Raven. It was awful.”

            “Emotions were heightened. Everyone was probably defending themselves. I’m sure there were a few insecurities thrown in there, especially from Niylah’s perspective.”

            “But Lexa…”

            “Is fine. I’m sure she gets it.”

            “She knows now, Raven.”

            “You don’t know that.”        

            “There’s no way she heard what Niylah said, saw my reaction, and didn’t come away knowing that I like her.”

            “So what if she does?” Clarke sits back at that and Raven turns to face her, resting a hand on her leg. “It’s not the end of the world. Lexa is a professional.”

            “It’s still embarrassing. And I didn’t go to her class today which makes my embarrassment obvious.”

            Raven laughs, causing Clarke to glare at her. “So last night was bad. But you don’t have to make it worse today. And look,” She holds her hands out and Arky bounds over, licking them before jumping on her legs. “You got this cutie out of it.”

            Clarke smiles and pulls Arky close to her chest. “Yeah. He’s pretty cute.”

            “I’d say text Niylah to smooth things over with her and the next time you see Lexa just act as professional as you can.” Raven says. Clarke nods and pulls out her phone. “I’m going to make lunch.”

            _Hey. I just wanted to apologize about last night._ Clarke types. _I reacted way too strongly and I shouldn’t have left like that. Thanks for an otherwise great night and for being so understanding._ She sends it and tucks her phone into her back pocket, joining Raven in the kitchen to make lunch.

            _I’m sorry too. I don’t know why I acted like that with Lexa. I was just jealous I guess even though I know we are just friends._ Niylah responds.

            Clarke smiles, already feeling a gently wave of peace. _It’s okay. I understand._

            “See? Told you it would be fine.” Raven says.

            Clarke nods. “Except I still have to deal with Lexa.”

 * * *

            “Good morning, class.” Clarke takes a deep breath, and looks up with a smile. As expected, Lexa side eyes her before addressing the class. “I hope you had a good weekend because I have a quiz for you all.” A few mutters. Clarke here’s a girl next to her sigh, already defeated.

            Clarke takes extra long putting her stuff together at the end of class, wanting to be the last one in the room. She stands up straight, holding her head high and pulling all the confidence she could muster, despite the rapidly thumping heart in her chest.

            “Clarke.” Lexa says when the last student leaves.

            “Lexa.” Clarke takes a breath and moves to the front of the room, closer to Lexa. “I wanted to apologize about last week.”

            Lexa’s face instantly softens. “Clarke, I’m the one who should be apologizing. I had no right to question your girlfriend.”

            The word stings. “She’s not my girlfriend.”

            “Oh?” Lexa looks up, a quick flash of excitement flashing across her face before disappearing again.

            “Yes. And I’m sorry I said we aren’t friends. We are. I was just…”

            “Worried?” Lexa finishes for her. Clarke nods. “Afraid it would be inappropriate to be friends with your teacher?” Lexa moves closer. “Nervous I would look at your badly and convince Indra to drop you?” Clarke’s eyes widen. She nods again. “Scared I would get the wrong idea of your… our friendship?” Clarke swallows hard. Lexa is close now, close enough for Clarke to feel her breath on Clarke’s face. “Don’t worry, Clarke. None of that is true. When we are in this classroom, we are teacher and student. Otherwise we are colleagues-peers.”

            “Friends?” Clarke whispers.

            Lexa smiles. “Friends.”

           * * *

“How on earth does Clarke Griffin yell at her teacher, basically confess her love, and still get off being friends?” Octavia exclaims. “How is that fair at all?”

Clarke laughs, stealing her gold eyeliner away from Raven. “Obviously Raven’s stellar advice.”

“That’s right. Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match.” Raven says, falling back on her bed where she is instantly attacked with kisses from Arky.

“Shut up, Raven.” Clarke says, throwing the eyeliner in her direction.

“Okay, okay. No fighting.” Octavia laughs, pulling a beanie down from Raven’s shelf. “It’s a good thing you got all your shit figured out, Clarke. Because Lincoln said a lot of grad students go to these parties. Professor hotty might be there.”

“Which would be fine because we are _friends_. Besides,” Clarke kneels by Raven’s bed and grabs Arky’s face, talking at him in a baby voice. “I only need one professor in my life.”

“I can’t believe you let her get a dog.”

“She didn’t ask me, O. I just came home to him.”

“Don’t act like you don’t love him.” Clarke says, laughing. The girls grab their things and head out, walking to another party. This one is supposed to be a 'congrats on getting halfway through the semester' party, but Clarke knows it’s just an excuse to drink alcohol and make out with people.

Lincoln meets them at the front of their apartment building, pulling Octavia into a short kiss. Raven makes a fake gagging motion and Clarke shoves her, bringing up the multiple instances she had to watch Raven make out with Finn.

“Don’t go too far.” Raven says when they walk up to the party and Octavia and Lincoln almost immediately walk away. “Use protection!” She calls after them. Octavia holds up her middle finger. Raven turns to Clarke, smiling. “Shots?”

“Shots.”

“Maybe shots will be our always.”

“Raven Reyes I’m friend breaking up with you.”

They laugh as they make their way to the congested kitchen where they have to fight their way to the middle to pour themselves drinks. They take two shots before returning to the party, mingling and dancing.

“Clarke!” Raven yells over the music. “Boyfriend material two o’clock!” Clarke turns while dancing to inspect the boy and thumbs up at Raven’s direction when she sees him. “Get it!”

Clarke shakes her head but Raven shoves her in his direction anyways. “Hey! Have you met Clarke?”

“How I Met Your Mother, Raven? Really?” Clarke says. Raven just gives her a look and dances away, leaving Clarke alone with the man.

“Hi, I’m Clarke.”

“Matt.” He holds out his hand. Clarke takes it. “What year are you?”

“Freshman.” He obviously doesn’t like what he hears, because his eyes widen and he frowns.

“Sorry. I have to go!” Clarke rolls her eyes as he walks away, not hurt in the slightest.

“Drinks, Raven. Got turned down.” Raven pouts, but follows Clarke to the kitchen where they do two more shots and then a round of beer pong.

An hour into the party and everything moves slower, bending as it does. Clarke dances perfectly with the music, feeling the world around her mesh with her own life. She smiles, dancing with strangers and loudly telling girls they’re pretty. She suddenly feels the need to pee and heads to hallway. She closes the door behind her in the bathroom and stares herself down in the mirror, pulling at her cheeks to inspect her eyes.

“I think you need some water.” She hears when she walks out of the bathroom. Clarke blinks and looks up, her smile growing at the face.

“Lexa!” She exclaims, throwing her arms up and around Lexa’s shoulders. “My _friend!”_

Lexa laughs, pulling Clarke’s arms away. “Yes, friends, Clarke. Are you okay?”

Clarke nods. “Definitely. I’m glad you’re not mad at me.”

“Why would I be mad?”

Clarke walks with Lexa, aware in the back of her mind that she should be careful about proceeding, but also not caring in the slightest. She shrugs. “Because of Niy…lah.”

“We’ve already talked about this, Clarke.”

Clarke waves her hand in the air. “I know. I just am happy. I like hanging out with you, Lexa.”

“I like hanging out with you, too.” Lexa says. Clarke trips and Lexa grabs her arms, pulling her up. “Are you sure you’re okay, Clarke?”

Clarke nods, eyes falling and glassing over. “I should probably… uhm… draw a line and be careful.”

“Clarke, draw all the lines you want. But you get to choose which side you stand on.”

Clarke blinks at her, unable to decipher the meaning behind her words. “Stay with me?”

Lexa smiles. “Of course.”


	11. Gains and Pains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am in the middle of finals which is why I could not post yesterday and why I will not be able to post tomorrow. However, I am giving you an extra long chapter today to make up for it.

Clarke wakes up with her stomach turning inside out and her head pulsing with pain. She groans, cursing herself for not drinking more water the night before. She kicks at her sheets until her legs are untangled and lays bare, rubbing the side of her head. Arky, sensing her movement, leaves the edge of the bed and runs up to her face, nudging her with his nose. She groans again, realizing that having a dog means taking it out to pee even when hung over.

“Alright.” She sighs, flipping until she falls off her bed and stands up. “Lets go outside.” She says to Arky, who responds with a tail wag and jumping towards the front door. Clarke quiets as she grabs some Advil and water as to not wake Raven. She pulls Arky’s leash off the shelf by the front door and struggles to get it on his collar as he jumps around. “Chill.” She whispers. As soon as the front door opens Arky runs, forcing Clarke to walk faster and pull on his leash to keep him close.

She walks him around the entire apartment building until he poops before heading back up to the apartment to make a hearty breakfast. As she stirs the pancake mix, Clarke relives the night before, smiling as she does. Lexa had not acted annoyed at Clarke’s inebriated state or left her alone. She had chosen to spend the latter half of the night playing beer pong and throwing darts (supervised by sober party-goers, of course) with Clarke. Lexa didn’t stop Clarke when she started rambling about problems in the government or the lack of health care. She nodded along when Clarke brought up all the high school drama she left behind. She even answered some of Clarke’s questions without hesitation.

Favorite color? Forest Green. Siblings? A brother who owns a coffee house in DC called TonDC. Or something like that. Other family? No answer. Originally from? Maryland. Hope to live someday? Washington DC. Favorite past-time? Hiking. Exes?

That’s when she had changed the subject. Her face fell, like a mask had just been ripped off and she had to find it quickly. And she did. She found the mask, strapped it back on, and left Clarke to get drinks. Clarke had wanted to ask why but even drunk she knew better.

Clarke’s heart throbs along with her head. She sprinkles chocolate chips onto the pancakes, feeling her stomach complain.

She would deal with the hangover all day, though, if it meant remembering last night.

Clarke’s phone starts ringing then and she reaches over quickly, grabbing it before it could wake up Raven. “Hello?” She whispers.

_“Clarke. Oh, my gosh.”_

“Octavia? Is everything okay?”

 _“Yes!”_ Clarke holds the phone away at the loud response, wincing in pain.

“Geez, O, chill.”

“ _Sorry.”_ She says, quieter this time. _“Hung over?”_ Clarke hums affirmation. _“That sucks. You know who’s not? Me. You know who also became a woman last night?”_

“What!” Clarke yells, suddenly uncaring about a sleeping Raven or a raging headache. “You had sex with Lincoln? Octavia Blake! Tell me everything.”

_“Can I just come over?”_

“If you don’t I’m never speaking to you again.”

_“On my way.”_

“Oh and I’m making pancakes.”

 _“You’re my hero.”_ Octavia hangs up and Clarke sets her phone aside, head now buzzing not only with the headache but also the news of Octavia’s eventful night. She debates waking up Raven and decides against it. She does, however, open her door in hope that the smells will wake her. She flips the last group of plain pancakes and places them on the plate before pulling out the bacon and eggs.

            Sure enough, Raven comes sauntering out of her room minutes after the first piece of bacon is laid on the pan. “Mmmm’orning.” She mutters, falling on the chairs by the kitchen. “Breakfast?”

            Clarke, having had the medicine kick in, laughs. “Yes, breakfast. Would you like it with a side of Advil?” Raven nods. Clarke brings over her plate, some coffee, and the Advil.

            “Thank you.”

            “Anytime. Oh, Octavia is on her way over. She has news.”

            “Oh?”

            Clarke only nods, smiling to herself. Raven will be even more excited than Clarke so she decides to give Octavia the honor of telling her. Clarke gets her own plate and joins Raven at the table, swinging her legs as she eats. They’re silent until there’s a knock at the door and Clarke gets up to allow Octavia in.

            “Why does your house always smell like flour?”

            “Clarke.” Raven says.

            Octavia fills her own plate and says nothing for a while. Clarke just watches as Raven glances between the two of them, waiting for someone to speak up and explain. No one does.

            “Someone say something!” She finally exclaims.

            Octavia just bites her lip in excitement and leans forward before whispering, “I had sex with Lincoln.”

            Screaming. Hugging. Four hundred questions a minute. Laughing.

            “Raven!” Octavia calls, steering her back towards her chair.

            “Sorry, I’m sorry! Just… tell me everything!”

            “Okay. We left the party after we,” she looks at Raven, “found that one,” she points at Clarke, “playing beer pong with Lexa, which you have to tell us about.”

            “Later.” Clarke says.

            “Anyways. I wasn’t wasted but I was pretty tipsy. We went back to his place and watched a movie. I sobered up and we were kissing and yeah.” She grins, shrinking away slightly.

            “Octavia. We need more than ‘yeah’.”

            “Okay,” Octavia sits up straighter, not making eye contact as she explains. “We were making out on the couch and clothes started coming off and he must have asked me a million times if I was okay with it-I was-before he picked me up and threw me on his bed. Guys. He’s so gentle. But I could tell he was holding back. He knew he was my first so he went slowly. It was awkward and weird but also amazing. Just… being with him like that.”

            “That’s awesome, Octavia,” Clarke says, placing her hand on Octavia’s arm. “I’m happy for you.”

            “Did you sleep over?” Raven asks.

            “Yeah. But he had to work this morning so he dropped me off here on the way over. He definitely knew I was coming to tell you guys.”

            “He is pretty smart.” Raven says.

            “And hot.” Clarke adds.

            They then turn to Clark, forcing her to tell them everything about her time with Lexa. She made sure to get the hanging out as _friends_ point across, not leaving any ‘it was a date’ or 'she totally likes you' stones unturned. They still seemed not completely convinced by the end of the story, but accepted Clarke’s assurance none the less.

            The day followed with Netflix binging, a trip to the gym, and studying. Clarke wrote her paper for Lexa’s class in one sitting while the other two studied. Octavia went home that night leaving Raven and Clarke to watch a movie before heading to bed.

            Unfortunately, Clarke doesn’t get to sleep before Raven is pushing her door open, sobbing. She falls into Clarke’s bed, gasping for breath through the tears, unable to answer Clarke’s questions. Clarke holds her close, running her fingers through her hair and shoving Arky away every time he comes to inspect.

            After thirty minutes of crying, Raven finally calms down enough to answer Clarke’s questions.

            “What happened?”

            Raven takes a deep breath. “Finn… broke up with me.” She falls back down in sobs. Clarke sits up, shocked.

            “What? Why?”

            “He said… he said the distance was… too much.” Raven sits up then, grief being replaced by anger. “He said he found someone else.”

            “What!” Clarke yells.

            Raven nods. “The son of a bitch couldn’t handle it. He needed someone who was there for his beck-in-call. Clarke…” Raven looks down, allowing Arky to hop in her lap and do his best to comfort her. The tears dried but Raven’s breathing was still broken.

            “Raven, I’m so sorry…” Clarke mutters, helpless. “You deserve so much more. You deserve the world. Someone who is always there for you. That dick doesn’t deserve you.”

            Raven nods, not answering.

            “You are smart, beautiful, funny and caring. I couldn’t imagine a better best friend. You are always there for me. You know when to shut up and when to tell me to shut up. You have such dreams that you never are willing to give up, and you work hard for them. No one is good enough for you, especially him. Anyone would be lucky to have you.” Clarke says, rubbing Raven’s back.

            “Thank you, Clarke.”

            Raven falls asleep in Clarke’s bed that night. Clarke is sure make her favorite breakfast the next day and clear her schedule. She updates Octavia, who insists she come over, and the two plan a night out for Raven to get her mind of things.

            “Just a couple of hours, okay?” Raven says. They agree. Just a few hours then more time on the couch with ice cream and sad movies, just as the doctor ordered.

            “Do you want anyone else to come besides us?” Clarke asks.

            “I don’t care.” Raven answers.

            “Octavia, you should invite Monroe and Harper. It can be a girls night out.” Octavia nods at Clarke’s suggestion and pulls out her phone, telling them when and where to meet them. “Raven, bar hopping, club hopping, or coffee shop hopping?”

            “Bar.” Raven answers. “But the chill kind with live music and those dumb poetry nights.”

            “We can do that.” Clarke instantly begins making a list of the different bars they could go to within a couple hours. She also gets a small bag to fill. “Okay. You ready?” She asks after she’s changed clothes. Raven and Octavia nod and they head out, locking the door behind them. “Girls night!” Clarke jumps in excitement, twirling to face her two friends and walk backwards down the hall. She talks with as much excitement as she could muster in hopes of getting Raven’s mind focused on the fun of the night and not the pain of the day. Clarke throws open the doors and links her arms in Octavia’s and Raven’s pulling them down the street with her. She succeeds in making Raven laugh, heightening the energy of the night.

            “First stop: Arkadia.” She says, waving at the calm bar in front of them. “Home of famous trivia nights, the occasional bar fight, and the origin of baby Arky’s name. The first place we ever went in our new city. Ready for some memories?”

            “Yeah!” Octavia yells, twirling a laughing Raven before heading to the front door. They meet Harper and Monroe inside and instantly head to the trivia night sign ups. “What’s our name, team?” Octavia asks, flicking the pen onto the table.

            “How about Delinquents?” Monroe suggests. She’s met by nothing but agreement and Octavia writes the name down before they grab a seat.

            “What can I get you ladies?” A waitress asks.

            Luckily, they’re known here well enough to not get carded, so Clarke orders a round of margaritas for the table. Harper adds some sweet potato fries to the order and the waitress nods, heading to punch in the order as the emcee of the night welcomes the crowd.

            “Well, well, well, what have we here?” He calls, making his way to the girls’ table. “I think I recognize most of your pretty faces. What are you calling yourselves tonight?” He holds the microphone up to Octavia who grabs it in response.

            “We are The Delinquents. And today is that one’s birthday!” She points to a shocked Raven.

            “Oh, happy birthday…?”

            Everyone grins at Raven, urging her to go along with it. Finally she rolls her eyes and says, “Raven.”

            “Happy birthday, Raven! How old are you turning?”

            She shrugs. “Twenty-One.” Everyone cheers.

            “Lets get Raven a birthday shot on the house!” He calls to the bar. He gets a thumbs up in response and moves on to the next table, introducing everyone in the game before starting it. Raven glares at Octavia, who is obviously pleased with herself. Raven throws back the shot and turns the cup upside down, placing it on the table before turning to the main stage. 

            “Question one. What element begins with the letter ‘K’?”

            Raven, the designated team captain, writes down the answer, ‘krypton’, without having to consult the team. The next answer comes soon after and the team works together, sipping on their drinks and laughing through conversations. The game ends with the Delinquents in second place. Satisfied, they leave the bar for their next stop, walking with a spring in their step down the city sidewalk.

            Clarke turns around again, skipping backwards and holding Monroe’s eye contact to be sure she doesn’t run into anything. When Monroe throws her hands out and says to stop, Clarke quickly spins around before running into another pedestrian.

            “I’m so sor-of course.” She says, laughing. “Lexa.”

            “Clarke. What a surprise. Raven. Octavia.” She nods to each one, stopping when she gets to Monroe and Harper. “I don’t believe I’ve met you two.”

            “Hi, I’m Monroe.”

            “Harper.”

            “Lexa.” She shakes their hands and turns back to Clarke. “What are you doing out tonight?”

            “Girls night.” Clarke answers, trying to stay upbeat despite the nervousness spreading throughout her.

            “Any particular reason?”

            Clarke blinks. Raven speaks up. “I got dumped by my ass hat of a boyfriend.”

            “Oh, I’m sorry.”

            Raven waves her hand in the air, obviously in too good of a mood to care in that moment. “It’s no big deal. Just an excuse for a girls night.”

            “Well that seems fun. I’ll let you girls be on your way.”

            Raven glances over Clarke, who looks at the ground below her feet. “Why don’t you join us?” She asks without looking at Lexa.

            “What?” Clarke says, head popping up.

            Raven turns back to Lexa. “That is, unless you have something else to do.”

            Lexa considers it, looking to Clarke for an answer. Clarke just stares. Lexa grins. “I’d love to. Thank you, Raven.”

            “Awesome. Clarke has the night planned. So Clarke, where are we off to next?”

            Clarke blinks. “Uh…”

            Octavia grabs Clarkes phone and opens it to the night’s itinerary. “Looks like Chat’n’Chill Bar is just up the road. Live music and pool!”

            “Right. And dinner if anyone is hungry.” Clarke finally speaks up, walking forward. “Let’s go, Delinquents!” Lexa gives Raven a questioning look who explains.

            It takes Clarke another drink, which Lexa buys her, to calm down.

            She lets herself accept the soft river. She floats without fear of falling as they play each other in pool. Clarke shouts playful insults in Lexa’s direction each time she scratches or Clarke gets multiple balls in a row. “Have you ever played pool before, Lexa?” She taunts.

            “Clarke Griffin, You are beating me by one.”

            “The key word is ‘beating’, Lexa.”

            “Hey, I have winner so stop flirting and play!” Monroe says, unaware of the delicate situation. Clarke freezes, heart punching and breath flying in short spurts.

            Fortunately, Lexa laughs it off. “Patience, Miss Monroe.” She goes for the next ball, letting the comment be pushed under the rug.

            Clarke does her best to brush it off, but it, and Lexa’s reaction, continues to replay throughout the night.

            She finally lets herself focus completely on Raven again at their fourth and final destination. They’re roaming the dance floor, all sober or only slightly tipsy, tamely dancing or talking with strangers. Octavia points out a hot boy to Raven, who actually takes a minute to talk with him and exchange numbers, but with no intention of calling him. Clarke stands outside on the balcony, overlooking the city as she takes a break from dancing.

            “You’re a good friend.” Lexa says, interrupting Clarke’s thoughts.

            “Thanks. I just needed to do something for her.”

            Lexa hops on the side, sitting next to where Clarke stands. “She will be okay, Clarke. She’s surrounded by love.”

            “I know. But she was just so broken. I’d kill that asshole for hurting her if I could.”

            “No you wouldn’t. Your heart is too kind.”

            Clarke rolls her eyes. “Lexa how do you do that?” She asks, turning to face Lexa better. She rests against the wall that Lexa sits on.

            “Do what?”

            “You just have a way with words. I’ve never heard such a soft voice with so much power behind each word.”

            “Then you must not listen to your own voice that much.”

            Clark stares up at Lexa’s eyes. Lexa glances at Clarke lips and bites her own. Clarke feels her breath and heart stop. The world around them muffles as if someone pressed mute. Clarke’s chest tightens. She searches Lexa’s face.

            Then she sucks in a breath, breaks out of the spell, and steps away. “I’m going to go dance.” She says, walking away from a longing Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I apologize for any mistakes in this chapter. I do not have much time, so I've decided to post it as is and I will proofread again on Friday.


	12. I wish I was a lesbian.

“I want to be a lesbian.” Raven complains, pouring hot water in her cup and plopping a lemon in.

“Why? Boys are hot.” Octavia counters.

“You have a hot boyfriend.” Clarke says. “Plus girls are hot too.”

Raven points at Clarke as if she just defended her, strengthening her lesbian argument. “Girls are so much nicer the boys.”

“You just need to find a nice boy, Dear.” Clarke says, mimicking every homophobic grandma whom she’s crossed paths with. “Don’t give up hope. You’re too pretty to be a lesbian.”

Raven rolls her eyes and shoves Clarke’s leg. “Shut up, Mrs. Woods.”

Clarke glares at Raven. Octavia laughs.

“She has a point, Clarke. I saw you two almost kiss the other night.”

“She’s my teacher!” Clarke exclaims.

“She’s your friend. And she likes you.” Clarke starts to argue but Raven holds her hand up, shushing her. “She does, Clarke. She likes you. You should just go for it. The tension is starting to suffocate me.” Clarke throws a pillow at Raven’s head. The lemon water she’s holding sloshes slightly, almost spilling. “Careful!”

Clarke laughs. “Sorry.”

Octavia stands at that, rolling her eyes. “Okay, weirdos. I’ll see you tonight.”

“What’s tonight?” Raven asks.

“The new political science students’ party.” Clarke answers.

“How is that different than the first one we went to?”

“That one was for the grad students,” Octavia says, “this one is for all the incoming freshmen who want to pursue political science.”

“This department is lit.” Raven says. “They have more parties than any department I’ve heard of.”

“It’s all about connections, Raven.” Clarke says.

Octavia nods. “Plus all the departments have parties, you just got stuck with mechanical students who never leave the library.”

Raven flips Octavia off as she heads for the front door, calling out goodbyes to Raven and Clarke. Raven turns back to Clarke who is busy creeping on a certain someone on Facebook. Raven shakes her head fondly. “Just go for it, Clarke.”

“Fuck you.”

“No thanks. As much as I wish I did, I don’t swing that way. And you already have your eye on someone.” Clarke flips her off, smiling as she does. “Already said no, Clarke.” Raven calls as she leaves the living room and disappears into her bedroom.

Clarke chuckles to herself and lays spreads out on the couch, positioning her laptop on her lap. She scrolls down Lexa’s page, pauses on her most recent profile picture change, and scans her face. She’s laughing, something Clarke realizes she doesn’t see very often. Lexa is a serious person. Clarke can count on two hands how many times she’s seen Lexa smile in the couple months she’s known her. But here, in this picture, Lexa is in mid laugh, mouth slightly open and hand grabbing Anya’s shoulder. Anya is sipping on a glass of wine, looking smug, but Clarke only notices Anya’s basic presence before turning her eyes back to Lexa. The green in her eyes shines, despite Lexa squinting. Her black tank top falls loose, showing her perfectly arched collar bones. A book is shoved between her leg and the chair. She holds her own wine glass and her hair is pushed back, falling perfectly down the right side. Clarke groans and throws her laptop shut, cursing herself for even visiting Lexa’s page. She drops the computer onto the ground and turns on the TV, turning to her side as she filters through Netflix options.

Clarke replays that night over and over. The way Lexa had just barely leaned towards Clarke, accepting the movement. The stolen glances at each other’s lips. The quickly thinning air and sharp breathing. The way Lexa’s body almost pulled at Clarke, taunting her to come closer, to make a move. The searing desire to be closer to Lexa. Closer. Closer. Closer…

Clarke shakes her head and sits up, heading to the kitchen mindlessly. She opens all the cupboards, trying to replace the image of Lexa’s eyes in her head with anything else. She finally settles with a peach. She peels it and cuts it into pieces while Netflix plays in the background.

Clarke opts for a relaxing bath after that. The rest of their week after ladies night had been killer. Two professors had decided to schedule tests on Friday, which Clarke had just finished, and Raven had been on a slow down hill spiral. She was working through it, though. Clarke got whiplash every once and a while after seeing Raven laughing with her an hour after heart throbbing tears. She had also found Finn’s new girl on instagram, which had forced Clarke to take her phone away for an entire night. She was strong, though. She’d get through it.

The bath salts fizz under the water. Clarke sits on the edge of the bath, watching the small bubbles. She falls into a trance, creating a sort of race between the bubbles to reach to the top faster. After she gets the water to the desired temperature, she climbs in, sighing with pleasure at the feeling of hot water surrounding her from all sides. Soft music fills the air, dancing with the flames coming from the candles she had lit. She lays her head back, closing her eyes and letting her muscles relax.

Her fingers and toes are pruny when she finally gets out and she has to pull a comb through her tangled hair multiple times before it falls how she wants it to. She stands in the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her like a dress while she applies makeup. She keeps it simple, not wanting to struggle with perfect makeup for one small party.

 _But Lexa is going to be there._ She thinks.

More reason to not put too much effort in. Nothing is going to happen.

Raven stays home, saying this party isn’t for her and she wants to be alone anyways. Clarke only argues for a moment before accepting the decision and heading out without her. The party is in the same gutted coffee shop the first one was at. This time, though, it’s less classy, less expensive, and filled with way more people Clarke’s age. She finds Octavia and Lincoln quickly, giving them both a hug before wading through the party, speaking to classmates and introducing herself to new people.

She’s not even there for an hour before she hears Indra say her name.

“Miss Griffin,” Clarke turns and smiles. “Come with me, please. It’s time you meet the other undergrads.” Clarke nods and follows Indra to a back room. She pictures it as a VIP only room, just for the cool kids, and laughs to herself. Only Professor Porter would create an inner circle within a college department. Indra opens the door and leads Clarke through, where she finds multiple people mingling. It’s nothing spectacular, just an extension to the party. There are, perhaps, more seating areas in this room, but it’s not exciting. There is no secret poker game happening. No security guards at the door. The walls aren’t decorated with stolen art or elaborate lights. “Everyone, this is Clarke Griffin. The new freshman member.”

Clarke receives scattered waves and greetings. Everyone seems to be slightly older, sophomores, juniors and seniors. At the far wall sits Anya, Aden and Lexa. Clarke feels her face burn when she looks at Lexa for too long. Lexa smirks and Clarke turns to the other guests in the room. She introduces herself to them, talking about school, Indra and events they’ve attended with her. Soon she gets closer to Lexa and in a desperate attempt to keep distance between them, she starts a conversation with Anya, who of course remembers their frozen yogurt run in. Clarke blushes at that, too, remembering the night in vivid detail.

“It’s not a big deal, Miss Griffin. So tell me, what are your expectations for this semester with Professor Porter?” Anya asks.

Clarke silently thanks her for changing the subject before launching into the new conversation with ease.

An hour passes before Indra pulls Clarke to the side, saying she’s impressed with how Clarke has inserted herself into the group, making connections easily. “From what I’ve seen, Miss Griffin, you will be a valuable asset. Miss Woods and I are going to another event on Sunday afternoon if you’d like to join. I know it is short notice but Tristan has cancelled due to illness.”

Clarke pauses, weighing the pros and cons in her head. She must take too long to answer, though, because Lexa walks over then. “Clarke, you must come if you can. The state’s councilmen and all three branches will be attending. It is a wonderful opportunity…” Lexa trails off, her eyes falling down Clarke’s body before jumping back up to her eyes where she silently adds more to the sentence.

Clarke’s throat tightens. She swallows and turns to Indra. “Of course I’ll join.” She says.

“Brilliant.” She turns to Lexa, “thank you, Miss Woods. I’ll be on my way now.” Indra bows her head and leaves the room to revisit the main party, leaving Lexa and Clarke alone.

Silence fills the air between them, choking Clarke and blocking the air from reaching her lungs. Lexa doesn’t move as she scans Clarke’s face, waiting for Clarke to say something.

Clarke wants nothing more than to jump forward and pull Lexa in for a kiss.

So she mutters, “I need some air,” and walks away.

She pushes herself through the room and out the back door where she finds herself in an empty ally way. She sucks in some air and closes her eyes while she paces.

Then she hears the door open and feels anger start to build in the pit of her stomach.

“Lexa, please-“

“Clarke.” Lexa cuts her off. “Why do you keep running away?”

“Wha- I… I’m not running away.” Clarke turns to face Lexa, who is frowning in her direction. “I’m not running anywhere."

Lexa walks closer. Too close. “You’re running, Clarke. Why?”

Clarke forces a breath out. She won’t let Lexa’s presence fuck with her mind anymore. “Because one of us has to.” She says.

“Why?”

“Lexa…”

“Clarke.” Lexa steps closer. Her breath mixes with Clarke’s, causing sparks to slap at Clarke’s skin. She doesn’t move, though. “Why are you running?” She asks again.

“Because if I don’t then…” Clarke trails off, entranced by Lexa’s knowing eyes.

“Then… then you’ll give in? Let down that perfectly built wall?” Lexa reaches out, pulling her finger across Clarke’s shoulder. “Then you might find yourself being selfish? Clarke… everything is not your responsibility. My actions,” Lexa grabs Clarke’s chin and gently forces her to meet her eyes, “are my responsibility.” Clarke swallows hard. Lexa leans forward. “Now is when you run.” Clarke doesn’t move. Lexa smiles. “I thought so.” Lexa closes the distance and their lips finally meet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Thanks for hanging with me. Chapter 13, and finally an insight into Lexa's mind, will be following soon.


	13. Run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to a special runner. @alexisavalon on tumblr. Enjoy!

Do what you can to make a difference.

Study hard. Work harder.

Climb the latter until you can see the entire city.

Shout until people start listening.

Justice. Peace. Loyalty.

It is up to you and only you.

The difference you want to see cannot be done if you sit idly by.

Do what you can to make a difference.

And don’t let anything stop you. Don't let anyone stop you.

Lexa tells herself these things every single day.

From the moment her mother… from the moment of the incident, Lexa knew that something had to change. Someone had to change. And if she didn’t do it, who would? If she didn’t chase this change, what would she be chasing?

When Indra noticed her during freshman year, Lexa knew she wasn’t chasing a ghost. There was a finish line. And one day she would reach it. She knew that because now she had someone cheering her on. Someone giving her water at every corner. Someone who had reached that line and come back to her to say ‘it can be done, just don’t stop’.

So Lexa ran.

She ran and didn’t stop.

Until she did. When someone else handed her a cup on the sidelines. Lexa accepted the cup but didn’t continue forward. She stayed still, looking at the newcomer. Indra encouraged her to continue, but Lexa didn’t move. She stayed with… “what was your name?” A smile. “Costia.” She stayed Costia, allowing the race to continue to move without her.

She stopped.

And then she was alone.

And she remembered why she was running.

She remembered what the finish line was.

She remembered the importance of the race.

So she ran.

And she didn’t stop this time. She never would.

Even when she saw a new member of the race. Even when the new runner accepted a cup from Indra. She kept running as she watched her take a breather before continuing on the run.

For the first time, Lexa felt out of breath.

Clarke Griffin stole Lexa’s breath away more than any race she would ever run.

She wanted to stop.

But she couldn’t.

Thankfully, she didn’t have to. Because Clarke was running with her. And Clarke wasn’t stopping. And Clarke wasn’t leaving. Clarke was running.

Maybe Lexa could run and be out of breath. Maybe she didn’t have to stop to hold Clarke close.

Maybe if she did stop, Clarke would stop with her and it would be okay because they would always start running towards that finish line again. Maybe she could let herself be weak again. She could be weak and not get hurt.

 * * *

Clarke sucked in a hard breath when their lips met. She paused for a moment, letting her lips hover away from Lexa’s. Lexa wanted to push forward again, but knew this time it had to be Clarke’s choice. So Lexa just let out a soft breath and whispered, “are you okay?” Clarke doesn’t answer right away. Lexa’s heart beats faster. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe Clarke was running in a different direction than Lexa.

This one moment of weakness could ruin everything for Lexa. The finish line could be taken away from her. Indra could leave her behind. She could be forced to stop running forever. Letting herself be weak for Clarke may have been the worst decision of her life. She thought she could have Clarke and the race, but maybe she was wrong. Did she just choose Clarke over her goals? Was Clarke just an obstacle she was meant to run around? Maybe…

Lexa’s thoughts are interrupted when Clarke closes the gap again and buries her hand in Lexa’s hair. She inhales as she does, pulling Lexa’s breath into her own, making them one. Lexa steps forward, needing to be closer to Clarke. She grips at the back of Clarke’s shirt and holds on tight when they hit a wall. Clarke gasps and her head tips back, giving Lexa the opportunity to move to her neck. Clarke rakes her fingers up Lexa’s back, sending waves of pleasure through her body. Lexa returns to Clarke’s mouth and bites the bottom of her lip. She pushes her tongue into Clarke’s mouth and Clarke accepts with a satisfied moan. Lexa pushes at Clarke’s hips until they are as close as they can be. Their bodies move together, Clarke never letting up from the kiss, Lexa never letting go. Their tongues dance together and soon time leaves them behind. Lexa knows the party continues without them, but suddenly nothing else matters. Just Clarke. Clarke’s body. Clarke’s soul. Clarke’s heart. Clarke’s lips. Clarke. Lexa grits her teeth, needing more. Clarke smiles and pecks at Lexa’s tight lips. Lexa moans in response and begins a new kiss. Clarke opens her mouth for Lexa. Lexa feels her heart sputter and her skin crawl with excitement. Lexa runs out of breath soon and she has to pause for a moment. She smiles when Clarke takes the opportunity to spin their positions and push Lexa against the wall before kissing along her neck. Lexa flattens her hands against the bottom of Clarke’s back and breathes hard.

She’s unsure how long they kiss. But when they finally stop, Clarke’s head on Lexa’s shoulder, Lexa resting against the wall and holding Clarke close, Lexa feels the fog of desire slowly thin in her mind. She remembers the party, Indra, the toast. She’s worried for a second they missed it. Then the worry falls away in favor of Clarke’s scent filtering up from her hair. Lexa breathes in and closes her eyes, rubbing her hand up and down Clarke’s back.

“Mmm. We should probably go back in.” Clarke says.

Lexa wants to disagree. Her fingers tighten, never wanting to let go of Clarke. But she does. “You’re right.”

Clarke steps away from Lexa and looks up at her eyes. She fits her hand into Lexa’s and searches Lexa’s face.

“I’m okay, Clarke.” She answers her silent question. “I’ve wanted that. I want this.” Lexa pulls Clarke’s hand to her mouth and kisses it. “I want you.”

“But-“

“I know…” Lexa interrupts. “I know I shouldn’t. But I do. Are you…”

“Yes.” Clarke answers. “I’m better than okay. And I want it too.” Lexa smiles at the news. “I’m just scared.” Clarke adds.

There’s a moment of pause before Lexa pushes off the wall and captures Clarke’s lips in another short kiss. “I’m scared, too.”

They walk back to the door hand in hand. They take a moment to kiss one more time before they let go of each other’s hands and open the door.

No one asks where they’ve been. No one comments on the fact that they’ve been gone for twenty minutes. No one noticed. They didn’t miss the toast, thankfully. Indra gave it ten minutes later, welcoming all the new freshmen. Lexa feels pride fill her stomach when Indra introduces Clarke. She forces herself to look away after holding Clarke’s eye contact for too long.

She’s sure to stay away from Clarke for the majority of the night. She speaks with Anya and other undergrads. She accepts a glass of wine. But when she notices Clarke leaving towards the end of the night with Octavia and Lincoln, she follows.

“Lincoln, are you leaving?” She asks, glancing at Clarke for a moment before turning her attention to Lincoln.

“Yeah. I have an early morning tomorrow.”

Lexa nods. “Have a good rest of your night.” She says.

“You too.” Lincoln responds. Octavia grabs his hand then and pulls him forward to keep walking. Clarke waits behind and turns back to Lexa.

Lexa glances behind them, makes sure they are out of sight of the party, and pulls Clarke in for a short kiss. “Goodbye, Clarke.” She whispers.

Clarke smiles. “Bye, Lexa. I’ll see you Sunday.” She turns and walks away, running to catch up with the other two.

Lexa takes a deep breath, closes her eyes, and turns her face to the sky.

She smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is slightly shorter. I wanted to get it to you as soon as possible rather than waiting to have time to write more.  
> Chapter fourteen will be up soon.


	14. Rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is soft smut at the beginning of the chapter. Skip the first four paragraphs if you do not wish to read it.

Clarke moans. Her back arches and she grips the sheets beneath her. She twists her hands, biting her lip to keep from yelling out. Lexa smirks as she adds a finger and nips at Clarke’s inner thigh. Clarke whispers Lexa’s name, causing Lexa to suck in a hard breath.

Clarke being at Lexa’s mercy. Lexa bringing Clarke to the edge before backing up. Bodies shaking. Breathe coming in short. Stuttering of hips. Everything happens exactly as Lexa had imagined.

“Lexa… Lexa right-Ah!” Clarke mutters, her body twisting from side to side with pleasure.

“Shhh…” Lexa whispers, pulling her fingers out of Clarke and moving her lips away from Clarke’s clit. Clarke groans at the loss and Lexa moves up Clarke’s body, pulling her into a kiss. The moment Clarke’s tongue enters Lexa’s mouth, everything disappears.

            Lexa sits up, sweat causing her legs to slide together. The sheets on her bed stick to her back and she sighs in disgust and disappointment as she throws her legs to the side and sits up. She pushes the palms of her hands against her eyes and rubs the sleep away, fogginess running from the forefront of her mind. The dream lingers, though, causing Lexa to tug at her hair and groan.

            A kiss and declaration of feelings is one thing. But that… that is so much more. The desire burns at the back of Lexa’s neck but she shakes her head, willing it away.

            That would end the race all together. Lexa would be forced to step aside, forfeit the race. She would never reach the end.

            She reminds herself of this to try and get the dream to disappear.

            It doesn’t.

            Weak. Clarke renders her weak.

            And yet she finds herself constantly longing for more.

            Lexa glances up at the clock on the far bedroom wall. Six a.m. She technically still has thirty minutes to sleep, but she’s worried about where her dreams would go if she closed her eyes again. Instead, she pulls a flannel off the closet door and wraps it around her shoulders. She makes her way to the kitchen where she brews coffee and pops a bagel in the toaster. While her breakfast cooks, Lexa gets dressed and laces up her sneakers. The toaster dings and she grabs half of it on her way out.

            Lexa eats the small breakfast before setting off on a steady jog. Thirty minutes later, she returns to her small apartment and finishes the other half of the bagel. She turns the shower on cold and hops in for a quick rinse before downing her coffee and replacing her work out clothes in favor of black, professional pants and a buttoned up shirt. Lexa braids the side of her hair and pulls the braid into a pony tail. She brews a second cup of coffee and pours this one into a to-go mug before leaving the quiet apartment behind.

            “You shouldn’t be working on Sundays.” She hears in the back of her head. She smiles at the memory, imagining the laugh that came after the sentence. “You really need at least one day of rest, Lex. For you, not the big man upstairs.” The old conversation plays quietly in her head as Lexa speeds down the road.

            “I do rest.” Lexa had responded. “But Indra’s events are normally on Sunday. I can’t help that.”

            “Stay in bed with me, Lex…” Lexa grudgingly accepted the kiss before walking away, smiling at the playfully aggravated groan behind her.

            Lexa had turned around to apologize. This time, though, the memory is skewed. Someone had climbed in Lexa’s head while she slept and messed with her thoughts. They erased the memories she had grown to love and know so well and replaced them with new desires.

            Lexa had turned to apologize but found herself looking back at a smiling Clarke. “Fine. If you won’t stay, then I’ll just join you.” She said.

            Lexa shakes her head hard and tightens her grip on the steering wheel. She frowns at the incorrect memory and pulls into the parking lot. She sucks in a deep breath and grabs her bags, hoping to leave the thoughts behind before entering her workspace.

            If this is going to work, she has to learn how to separate the two lives. Clarke Griffin, colleague, cannot be the same Clarke whom Lexa spends her nights dreaming about.

* * * 

            “Wait. What?” Clarke asks, shock obvious in her voice. “Please. Say that again.”

            Bellamy’s face darkens. His cheeks fill with red, giving away the embarrassment. “I’m not saying it again, Clarke.”

            Raven grips Clarke’s arm. “Clarke. Hey. Clarke.” She says, smiling. “Guess what?”

            “Now’s not really the time, Raven!”

            “Now is so the time.” Raven lets go and winks at Bellamy. “Clarke, you’re not the only gay in our group anymore.”

            Bellamy covers his face and Clarke squeals.

            “Oh, my god. You’re right!” Clarke excitedly hits Bellamy’s leg. Arky must sense the mood change because he jumps up from his spot on the couch and sprawls out in Bellamy’s lap. Clarke laughs. “You can join the bi club now, Bell!” She says.

            “Oh… joy.”

            “When are you going to tell Octavia?” Raven asks.

            Bellamy laughs at that. “I can’t just yet. She will never let me live it down. She’s been ‘calling’ this since we were kids.”

            “Okay, fine.” Clarke says. “But you have to tell us everything.”

            Bellamy rolls his eyes. “There’s not much to tell you.”

            “Yes there is!” Raven shouts. “It’s John fucking Murphy! Is he a good kisser? Is he always such a dick? How did he land you? Is he gay or bi? How did this happen? Bell, there’s so much to tell us.”

            Bellamy groans and covers his face. “I knew this was a bad idea.” He mumbles.

            “Oh, come on. We are just excited.” Clarke says. “Although you know that now you are obligated to go shopping with us all the time. And you have to help us get dressed for fancy events. And you get to come to girls night now!” Clarke teases. Bellamy flips her off. “Sorry, sorry. You’re right.” Clarke side-eyes raven who winks. “Anyways…”

            “Anyways!” Bellamy interrupts. “Speaking of fact events, don’t you have one you have to go to in like thirty minutes, Clarky-poo? Where the famous hot prof will be?”

            This time Clarke finds herself blushing. 

            The latest development with team Lexa has stayed in Clarke’s mind only. She’s unsure of the boundaries and where they lay. She knows Lexa could get in trouble and she doesn’t want to ruin whatever this is before it’s even started.

            “Yeah… but I already have my outfit picked out so no need to help me.” She says. Bellamy flicks her. She laughs.

            Another event with Indra. The chance to learn and meet real politicians. The opportunity to grow and make connections.

            More time to see Lexa.

            Clarke breathes deeply, felling the anxiety follow her around the apartment as she heads to get dressed. Arky sits on the bed and watches Clarke move around the room with his head tilted to the side. Raven and Bellamy continue to chat in the living room and Clarke makes no effort to hear what they’re saying.

            What if Lexa kisses her again tonight? How is she supposed to act around her? What if Lexa regrets everything that happened Friday night? Clarke’s heart beats faster as she pulls on the tan dress and slips on the black boots.

            “Okay, I’m headed out.” Clarke says. She receives half hearted goodbyes from the other two as she closes the door behind her.

            When she arrives at Indra’s she finds Lexa filling the car. Lexa turns and greets Clarke with the familiar head bow. Clarke searches Lexa’s face for any sign of the change in their relationship. She finds nothing.

            The event goes smoothly. Lexa keeps her distance from Clarke. Indra congratulates Clarke again. Clarke helps Lexa unload. Lexa says bye to Clarke, calling her ‘Miss Griffin’. Clarke winces at the name and wants to push Lexa against her car and punish her for being so distant the entire night.

            Instead she watches Lexa drive away and begins to wonder if Friday night was all a dream.

 * * *

            “I’m sorry about Sunday, Clarke.” Lexa says, keeping her face void of any feeling. “Our relationship is to stay strictly professional at events such as those with Indra present. However,” Lexa begins to smile. Then she stops, shakes her head, and stares at her own eyes in the mirror. “To clarify about Sunday.” She starts over.

            She rolls her eyes at herself and walks away from the mirror. There’s no need to practice a conversation. And there is especially no need to apologize. Or clarify. Clarke should understand the line they need to draw. If she doesn’t get the situation then Lexa is wasting her time.

            She still asks Clarke to stay after class that day, though. After spending the entire class period avoiding Clarke’s eye contact, Lexa is ready to clearly draw the lines for them both to see.

            “Clarke.” Lexa smiles, feeling all the tension that had been building over the days start to dissipate.

            “Lexa.” Clarke says, matching Lexa’s tone.

            Lexa wants to wipe the smirk of Clarke’s face.

            “Would you mind speaking to me in my office?” Lexa asks.

            Clarke’s eyes widen. She nods. “Yes, of course.”

            “Good. It is just down the hall.”

            “I know.” Clarke says. Lexa raises her eyebrow in question. “It’s on your syllabus.” Clarke clarifies.

            “Oh… right.” Lexa gathers her stuff together and leads Clarke out of the classroom. Students instantly began to fill it again. “I trust you had a good weekend?” Lexa asks as they walk.

            “Yes.” Clarke says. “The event with Indra was quite educational.”

            “They usually are. It is a wonderful opportunity.”

            “It is.” Clarke agrees.

            They arrive at the office then and Clarke follows Lexa in.

            Anya is not there, just as Lexa suspected, giving her the perfect opportunity to talk to Clarke in private. She closes the door behind Clarke and turns to motion for Clarke to sit by the desk.

            Instead, she is met by Clarke’s lips on hers. Clarke’s hands wrap around her head and rest on her neck. Lexa pauses in shock before letting her eyes close and following Clarke into the kiss. She backs up and hits the door behind them, giving Clarke the leverage to kiss her deeper.

            Clarke moans.

            Lexa follows suit.

            The sound hits Lexa in the chest and she quickly pulls away, placing a hand on Clarke’s chest and gently pushing. “Clarke, we really should talk.”

            Clarke blinks. Horror fills her eyes. “Oh… I’m sorry…”

            “No, no!” Lexa says quickly. “No need to apologize. That was…” Lexa searches for an appropriate word and comes up short. “No need to apologize.” She repeats. “Here.” She walks past Clarke and sits at the desk, gesturing at the other chair for Clarke to sit in. Clarke cautiously follows. “Clarke. I think it would be wise of us to disclose everything about our new… status.” She says, choosing every word carefully.

            Understanding replaces the fear in Clarke’s eyes. “Oh. Of course.” Clarke says.

            “I would like for…” Lexa gestures towards the door where the pair was standing moments before, “that to continue.”

            “Me too.” Clarke says.

            Lexa smiles. “Good. However, it cannot happen during professional events, such as Sunday, or when Indra is near.” Lexa says.

            Clarke nods. “Of course.”

            “I also would prefer if that was not happening with anyone else… but I cannot tell you what to do.” Lexa says, quietly.

            Clarke grins. “It’s not happening with anyone else. And I don’t want it too.”

            Lexa looks down at her desk and nods in acknowledgement. “Good. Good.” She says. “Then I guess that is all.”

           “Lexa?” Clarke says. Lexa looks up and accepts eye contact. “Can I have your number?”

            Lexa smiles. “Of course.” She takes Clarke’s phone and inputs her number. “Also, for the time being, this should probably stay between us.”

            “Of course.”

            “Thank you. That is all.” Lexa stands to follow Clarke to the door but Clarke walks closer to Lexa instead. Lexa is about to say no but her mind doesn’t catch up to her body in time. She’s pulling Clarke in for another kiss and moaning into Clarke’s mouth. Her heart beats in time with Clarke and she pushes at Clarke’s back to bring her closer.

            Clarke breaks the kiss this time and says nothing as she turns to leave. Lexa watches her walk out of her office, her lips still tingling.


	15. Expectations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Unfortunately, there will not be another update for a couple days as I am getting surgery in the morning. As soon as I am able, I will update again but until then enjoy a nice, short, fluffy chapter. Thanks for being awesome and patient!

“Who is ‘Heedah’ and why are you constantly texting them?” Raven asks.

            Clarke winces at the question, both because of the mispronunciation and the answer she has to give. Omitting stories from her best friends is one thing, lying straight to their face is another thing, and Clarke doesn’t want to do it.

            _“I promise I won’t tell anyone.” Clarke said._

_“I don’t want to keep you a secret, Clarke.”_

_“I know, Lexa.”_

_“But I also don’t want this to be ended for us.”_

_“It’s okay, Lexa. I understand. I won’t tell anyone. But I also won’t lie.”_

_Lexa paused at that, pondering. Clarke had watched her rub her forehead and run her fingers through her tangled hair. The office was empty, as always after class, and Lexa let herself sit in the frustrated air._

_“I won’t ask you to lie, Clarke.” She finally answered._

Clarke frowns. Lexa wouldn’t ask her to lie and she wouldn’t lie. But their relationship…or whatever… also has to stay quiet.

            “It’s pronounced ‘Heda’.” Clarke answers.

            “Okay...” Raven sits next to Clarke and reaches for the phone. Clarke tucks it under her leg and raises an eyebrow at a frowning Raven. “Who is it?”

            “That’s a secret.”

            “A secret? From me? Really, Clarke?” Raven says, disbelieving. Clarke doesn’t answer. Raven groans. “Fine, don’t tell me. But at least tell me if that’s really their name.” Clarke shakes her head. “Then what does it mean?”

            “Leader. Warrior. Super cool lady.” Clarke answers. “It’s German.”

            Raven clicks her tongue in thought. “Why?”

            “Why what?”

            “Why that name?”

            Clarke shrugs. Telling that reason would make it obvious who it’s about. Not that Clarke has any delusion that Raven doesn’t already know.

            Raven rolls her eyes. “Fine. Don’t tell me about your super secret lady friend.” Raven stands and winks at Clarke. “Just text me before you bring her over. I don’t want to hear you screaming ‘Le-“ Raven is stopped short when Clarke throws a pillow in her direction. Raven laughs and walks off, giving Clarke the opportunity to pull her phone out and reply.

            _Bad news._ She texts.

            _What?_

_Raven might know. She saw us texting._

_Isn’t my name Heda in your phone?_

_Yes. But she’s my best friend._

_So?_

            Clarke laughs at the response and imagines a confused Lexa sitting in her own apartment, unaware of what that really means. _So,_ she texts, _she can tell when I’m hiding something and what, or who, that something is._

            Lexa doesn’t reply immediately. Clarke accepts this and pushes her phone into her back pocket before taking Arky out for a long walk.

* * * 

            Two months in and Clarke hasn’t seen anything more than colleague Lexa and after class Lexa. They have a standing ‘hang out time’ in Lexa’s office after class but nothing more than that. Occasionally someone will come in and the switch between the Lexa’s gives Clarke whiplash. Raven has taken to asking Clarke how her ‘secret lady friend’ is and rarely gets more than a middle finger in response. No one else seems to have caught on, except perhaps Lincoln, who constantly ‘accidentally’ forgets he has to be anywhere else after having gotten Clarke and Lexa in a room. “Lexa I have a question.” He says, pulling Lexa outside of a party. He sees Clarke on their way and says, “Oh, Clarke, you could help too.” They get outside and Lincoln conveniently forgets something inside which takes him fifteen minutes to retrieve.

            “Lexa?” Clarke asks, one day in Lexa’s office.

Lexa looks up from her computer and smiles upon catching Clarke’s eye. “Yes?”

“Do you ever…” Clarke pauses, causing Lexa to tilt her head in question. “Do you ever wonder what exactly we are doing?” She finishes.

Lexa clenches her jaw and nods, knowing this question was coming. “We are being impatient and selfish.” She answers.

Clarke laughs. “Is that right?”

“Oh, yes. We could have waited to be honest with our feelings until after the semester was over. We also could have ignored our feelings in favor of our studies.”

“That doesn’t sound as fun.”

Lexa smiles. “You’re right, Clarke. It doesn’t. Which is why we chose this option, the impatient and selfish one, instead.” Lexa, assuming the conversation was over, turns back to her computer. Silence follows the short conversation as the couple works on their separate studies. Lexa hears Clarke let out a frustrated huff and saves the document she was working on in preparation.

Clarke doesn’t start talking immediately, though. Instead, she squirms in her seat, closes her computer, grabs a book, and tries to ‘read’ for about ten minutes. Lexa sits silently as Clarke shuffles around. Lexa never looks up at Clarke, allowing her the moments she needs to build up the courage to continue the conversation. Soon, she does. Clarke picks up her chair and moves it closer to Lexa, finally causing Lexa to close her own computer and meet Clarke’s eyes.

“Yes?” Lexa says.

Clarke frowns, searching Lexa’s face. “What do you expect?” Clarke asks.

“What do you mean?”

Clarke groans again. “From me, Lexa? From us? What are you expectations?”

“I do not have any.” Lexa says.

“Bullshit.”

Lexa raises her eyebrows and Clarke leans back in her seat.

“I just mean. Of course you have expectations. Everyone has expectations. About everything. Aside from the occasional kiss, we are nothing more than friends, Lexa. Secret friends at that. Yeah, you’re my teacher so that comes first, but we are also friends and colleagues. Technically we are also both students of Indra’s, so that means-“

“Clarke?” Lexa interrupts.

Clarke furrows her eyebrows and sighs. “Yes, Lexa?”

“May I kiss you?”

Clarke’s cheeks go deep red. She nods slightly and leans forward. Lexa smirks and meets her in the middle, resting a hand on Clarke’s jaw as their lips push together. Lexa’s other hand pushes at Clarke’s thigh, causing Clarke to moan and push closer to Lexa. Lexa sits farther back in her chair and Clarke follows, soon straddling Lexa and leaving her own chair behind. Lexa moves both of her hands to the base of Clarkes back and pushes, urging Clarke to grind her hips forward in time with the kiss. Clarke does, dipping her tongue into Lexa’s mouth as she does. She nips at Lexa’s bottom lip and Lexa lets her lips fall ajar as Clarke moves across Lexa’s jaw. Clarke grinds her hips as she kisses Lexa’s neck. She gently bits the soft skin under Lexa’s ear, causing Lexa to suck in a breath and push her hips up. Clarke smiles and moves away from Lexa entirely, just gazing down at Lexa’s reddened face. Lexa breathes hard and silently pleads for Clarke to keep kissing her. Clarke doesn’t.

Lexa reaches forward for Clarke’s lips but Clarke dodges and smiles at Lexa’s groan. “What are you expectations, Lexa?” Clarke whispers.

“Clarke…” She sighs.

Clarke brushes her lips against Lexa’s but doesn’t begin another kiss. “Yes, Lexa?”

“Please, Clarke…”

“Mmm… expec-“

“To kiss you, Clarke.” Lexa seethes, nipping at Clarke’s exposed neck.

“And?”

Lexa pulls away and catches Clarke’s gaze once more. “And to be yours.” She mutters.

Clarke smiles and meets Lexa for another kiss, grinding her hips hard as she does. Lexa gasps into the kiss and gently claws at Clarke’s back. Clarke smirks between small kisses and sucks in Lexa’s bottom lip. Lexa moans and feels her skin burn for more of Clarke’s touch. She wants to rip off Clarke’s shirt and kiss more than her neck. She wants their pants to disappear in favor of tasting Clarke’s desire. She wants to feel Clarke shake beneath her. She wants to feel Clarke’s thighs wrap around her and hold her tight as they move together.

Instead, she kisses Clarke harder. She grasps Clarke’s ass and pulls her into the next grind. She chases Clarke’s lip with every kiss and savors each small bite. Clarke pulls at Lexa’s shirt, obviously wanting just as much as Lexa wants. But the knowledge of where they are weighs at the front of their minds and soon causes the kiss to stop before it escalates. Clarke stays straddling Lexa, their foreheads resting together, and heavy breathing matched

           Lexa catches Clarke’s lips in one more small peck before Clarke climbs off and grabs her bags. “Bye, Clarke.” Lexa whispers, watching as Clarke puts things in her bag. “Hope class is good.”

            Clarke smiles and walks backward towards the door to hold eye contact as long as possible. “Bye, Heda.”

            Clarke gets home later that day and is greeted with Raven saying, “Nice hickie.” Clarke flips her off, smiling, and disappears in her room.


	16. Fell the Christmas Spirit

“It’s just two weeks, Clarke.” Lexa consoles, pushing her fingers through Clarke’s hair. “You get to go spend Christmas with your family and I’ll be here when you get back.” Clarke smiles and Lexa’s heart seizes, betraying the calm tone of her voice.

Clarke rolls over on the couch and meets Lexa’s eyes. Lexa, sitting cross-legged on Clarke’s floor, tips her head to the side. Clarke’s eyes frown and she pushes forward to meet Lexa in a short kiss.

Lexa allows a few seconds to imagine finally having Clarke then, in her apartment, hearing her praise Lexa’s movements.

The seconds pass, though, and Lexa pulls away. “Then guess what?” She says.

Clarke sits up and Lexa moves to sit next to her on the couch. “What?” Clarke asks, sliding her legs on top of Lexa’s lap.

Lexa rubs her shin with her thumb. “When you come back, we will no longer be teacher and student.” Lexa watches as Clarke’s cheeks get steadily redder. She chuckles and leans forward, catching Clarke’s lips in a kiss. She holds Clarke’s legs in her arms as she leans forward, following the kiss until they are lying on the couch, Lexa on top of Clarke.

Clarke moans. Lexa tenses at the sound, almost letting go. Instead, she pulls back and sits on the other end of the couch.

Clarke groans. “Lexa…”

Lexa sucks in a breath. _Be strong._ She tells herself. “It’s okay, Clarke.” She whispers. Clarke just rolls her eyes and drops her head against the couch. Lexa drops her hand on Clarke’s ankle and rubs with her thumb as she reaches for the remote. She may have only been to their apartment two times, but she already has the place set in her mind. The remote is always on the couch arm and Clarke always has a ‘recently watched’ on Netflix that she is going to request. Lexa doesn’t ask before choosing the most recently watched show and when the opening credits begin playing, Clarke sits up.

“Lexa, what are you going to do over the break?” She asks.

“Work. Just because I’m not teaching any intercessions doesn’t mean Indra doesn’t have a shit ton for me to do.”

Clarke frowns. “Are you going to celebrate Christmas?”

Lexa shrugs, already growing uncomfortable with the direction of conversation.

“You could always…” Clarke starts. Lexa glances her way, causing Clarke to pause in the middle of her sentence. Clarke holds the eye contact for a bit before pulling her legs under her and taking a breath. “Come with me.” She finishes.

“Clarke…”

“Lexa.” Clarke interrupts. Lexa lets her speak. “We’ve been together for three months. I know we haven’t had any huge milestones, like saying the l word or having sex,” Lexa looks down at that, choosing not to watch as Clarke talks, “but I still care about you. And I want you to have a good Christmas. And I’m sure my parents will love you and-“

“Clarke.” Lexa says, grabbing her hand. “Thank you for the offer, but I can’t.” Lexa watches Clarke nod with acceptance. She turns her hand to grab Lexa’s better and bites her bottom lip. “I have too much to do here. But I’ll see you as soon as you get back.” Lexa brushes Clarke’s cheek with her thumb, causing Clarke to look up at Lexa’s smiling face.

“Will I finally be able to see where you live?” Clarke asks.

Lexa laughs. “Sure, Clarke.”

Clarke smiles. “Okay.”

            She falls asleep before the plane takes off. Her dreams plague her as the plane flies.

            They aren’t bad dreams. In fact, they’re good dreams. They’re better than real life.

            But you have Lexa.

            Do I?

            Yes. She loves you.

            Does she? She’s never said that.

            Neither have I.

            So what is this, really?

            Clarke pushes the thoughts away and closes her eyes again, welcoming the dreams in favor of over thinking. She rests in Lexa’s large bed. It’s surrounded by a canopy. There’s a throne in the corner. Next to the throne is an old bookcase, filled to the top with books. Clarke scans the books and is about to grab one when Lexa grabs her from behind, kissing down her naked back. Clarke relishes in the kisses before they stop. She turns around and Lexa is with someone else. They are headed to her bed. This one is Lexa’s age. She was never Lexa’s student. She’s better prepared for Lexa’s life. She loves Lexa. “I love you, too.” Lexa whispers to the newcomer.

            Clarke screams. She runs to the bed as the two get tangled under the sheets. But the bed disappears, folding into itself. Clarke falls into a white-hot chasm. She cries. She shakes.

            She wakes up with tears on her face and the captain speaking over the intercom. The man on the plane next to her pretends to not notice the steady stream of tears. Clarke wipes them away and takes a shaky breath as she stares out the window.

            Clarke watches the ground slowly get closer. It’s painted in white, the usually bright green trees weighing under the snow. Clarke’s breathing steadies as the dream starts to dissipate. The image of her parents waiting for her at the gate replace the dream and she smiles.

            The plane lands. The pilot tells everyone to remain seated. People instantly begin unbuckling and standing up to stretch after the long flight. Clarke stays in her seat, legs crossed and eyes closed.

            _I love you._

            Soon everyone around her has already started walking off the plane. Clarke stands and grabs her carry on-the only bag she’s brought home-and takes her place in line.

            “Dad!” Clarke yells after walking through the door into baggage claim. She drops her bag and jumps in her dad’s arms. Her recently dried eyes start heating up again as her dad spins her around.

            “Hi, Baby,” he says before letting her back down. Clarke holds on tight before letting go. Her dad wipes her wet cheeks and grabs her bag.

            “Where’s Mom?” Clarke asks.

            “In the car,” he answers. “She didn’t want to pay for parking.”

            Clarke chuckles. “Figures.”

            The pair push open the door and cool air instantly brushes their faces. Snow crunches under Clarke’s boots as they walk across the street and Clarke turns her face up to catch more snowflakes on her skin.

“How was your flight?” Her dad asks, pulling her down to earth.

“Fine. I slept pretty much the whole way.”

“Oh no…” Her dad grins and pinches her playfully. “You probably drooled over everything.”

Clarke shoves her dad’s arm. “Shut up, I didn’t drool.”

“Sorry, Clarke, but you always drool.”

Clarke is about to respond when she looks up to see her mom smiling. “He’s right, honey. You’re a drooler.”

“Mom!” Clarke circles the car and pulls her mom into a hung, burying her face into the crook of her mom’s neck. Her mom rubs circles on her back before pulling away.

“I’m so glad to see you.” She kisses Clarke’s cheek before climbing back into the car. Her dad places Clarke’s bag in the truck and gets behind the wheel. Clarke lets out a relieved breath when the warm air meets her, instantly thawing her cheeks. “Want to stop by somewhere to get food before we head home?”

“It’s okay. I kind of just want some soup.” Clarke answers.

Her dad nods. “We can do that.”

“I might actually have some in the fridge.” Abby adds.

“She definitely has some in the fridge.”

Clarke smiles at that and pulls out her phone to turn it on. She’s met with multiple messages and she smiles at the top one.

_How was your flight?_

_Pretty good. I slept the whole time._ She sends to Lexa.

_That’s good. Have fun with your family, princess._

Clarke blushes, something her mother never misses.

“Who are you texting?” She asks.

Clarke groans. “No one, Mom.”

“Not with that smile. Is there a boy you haven’t told me about?”

“Not a boy.” Clarke mutters.

Her dad perks up at that. “Oooh! Clarke has a girlfriend!” He sings, glancing at Clarke through the review mirror. “Is she hot?”

“Dad!”

“Well?”

Clarke pauses before glancing back down at her phone. “Yeah…”

“Woo!” Her dad slaps the steering wheel and reaches back to grasp Clarke’s knee. “That’s my girl!”

“So who is she?” Abby asks, smiling though less than when she thought it was a boy.

“Her name is Lexa.” Clarke offers.

“She sounds hot.”

“Dad!” Clarke exclaims again. He just laughs. “She’s great…” Clarke takes a breath. “She’s smart. She works with Indra too.”

“Oh… oh no,” Her dad shakes his head in feign disappointment. “Another politician, Clarke? She’s probably full of nothing of lies and deceit. You should dump her. Get out while you can. I don’t want Hillary Clinton as a daughter-in-law.”

Clarke laughs and hits her dad’s shoulder. “Dad! Stop it.” She rolls her eyes and leans back. “She’s not Hillary Clinton.”

“Is she a democrat?”

“Dad…we’re democrats.”

“Parties are void, Clarke. The founding father’s didn’t want separate parties anyways.” Jake says.

“Oh, gosh. Dad.”

“Alright!” Abby exclaims. “I’m happy for you, Clarke. You’ll have to tell us more about her during dinner.”

“Okay.” Clarke smiles again and her mom nods, turning on the radio.

 _My dad just called you Hillary Clinton._ Send to Lexa.

_What does that even mean?_

_He’s making fun of politics._ Clarke texts back. While waiting for a reply she exits out of the conversation and opens all the other unread messages.

 _That’s not very nice._ Lexa responds.

_He thinks he’s hilarious._

_Is that where you got it from?_

_Fu._

_< 3 _

Clarke leaves the conversation at that and drops her phone next to her. She leans forward, resting her chin on the edge of her dad’s seat and lets out a big puff of air. He leans forward and pushes back at her, laughing and causing Abby to exclaim that you ‘shouldn’t mess with a driver while they’re driving’.

Clarke leans back and starts answering the dozens of questions being thrown her way from her parents.

 _Wish you were here._ She texts out. Before sending, though, she deletes the messages and pockets the cell phone.

 * * *

“Lex, cheer up, it’s Christmas,” Anya says, wrapping a chord of lights around the tree. “And this year we get to plan the party so it doesn’t have to be lame!”

Lexa scoffs and re-arranges the Christmas village. She moves the new doctors office to be next to the old skating rink, which is just a small handheld mirror. She sets up the tiny bench outside of the bed and breakfast and places two, small, ceramic girls on the bench.

“Lex. Lexa!” Anya shouts.

Lexa jumps slightly and spins around to face Anya. “What?”

Anya sighs dramatically and drops the lights. She crosses the small living room and leans against the chest Lexa was decorating. “You have got to stop zoning out like that.”

“What?”

Anya rolls her eyes. “I know Christmas isn’t your favorite-“

“Not true. I love Christmas.”

“But! Christmas can be fun if you let it. So stop moping and start feeling the Christmas spirit.”

“Or what?”

“Or I’ll shove a candy cane up your ass.”

“Festive.”

Anya shoves Lexa and turns to the small village. She nods in approval and points the small couple on the bench. “Something you want to tell me?”

“Anya…”

“Nope. It’s Christmas, Lex.”

“And?”

“And you’re allowed to be in love.”

“Not in love.”

“You don’t do anything half-hearted. If you’re giving some chick the time of day then you’re in love.”

“Not true.”

“Oh, if the shoe fits, wear it.”

“Shut up.”

Anya pulls Lexa into a bear hug and wraps her arm around the back of Lexa’s neck. Lexa groans and pulls away. “Fine, fine!” Lexa concedes. Anya throws her hands up in victory and hoots.

“I’m putting on some Christmas tunes. You start decorating that ugly-ass tree and then you can tell me all about this new love.”

Lexa rolls her eyes but heads to the tree anyways.

 * * *

“Your teacher? Clarke, I’m impressed.” Jake exclaims. He squeezes Clarke’s shoulder who blushes and covers her face. She pops her feet up against the wall and lies on her back. Her dad goes off on how he, too, had a fling with a teacher in college. Not his teacher, sure, and he wasn’t in love, ‘not in love, Dad’, ‘sure, Clarke. Whatever helps you sleep at night,’ but he understood Clarke’s position anyways. He also promised not to tell Abby as long as Clarke promised to indulge her mother’s fantasies.

“What do you mean?” Clarke asks.

“Answer her questions with excitement when she asks.”

“What if she asks what kind of wedding I want? Or how we are going to have kids?”

“The wedding thing respond with something cliché, the kid thing I give you permission to be the sarcastic little asshole I raised you to be.”

Clarke grins. “Thanks, Dad.”

Later that week, just a few days before Christmas, Clarke, Octavia, Bellamy, Murphy and Raven TP’d Finn’s house. The porch light turned on right before they were done and they made a run for it. Finn’s mom yelled after them, saying ‘I know this is Raven and your friends!’ to which Clarke called back ‘then you know your dickhead of a son deserved it!’

Jake scolded her in front of Abby and later high-fived her and gave her a cookie.

“Christmas feels weird this year.” Raven says one night, sitting cross-legged on the floor of Bellamy’s childhood bedroom. Octavia buries a spoon in a Nutella jar and smothers a cracker before eating it. Bellamy sits on his bed and swings his legs. Murphy lies next to him, with his head in Bellamy’s lap, and Clarke contorts her body so she’s able to sit on the window seal with the window closed.

“Why?” Clarke asks.

“We are all so old.” Raven answers.

“And everyone but Raven is in a relationship.” Raven glares at Murphy who just shrugs. “Hey, from what I hear, you’re the serial dater.” Bellamy gently hits Murphy’s arm, causing him to sit up and lay opposite of Bellamy. “Yo, Bell, don’t be that way. Not with the girls here.” He winks.

“Gross!” Octavia yells, throwing a cracker their way. Murphy catches it and plops it in his mouth. “You’re disgusting, Murphy. I have no idea what my brother sees in you.”

“My dashing good looks. And its more what I feel _in_ him-“ Murphy is cut off when Bellamy punches him and all the girls exclaim in disgust.

“TMI, Murph!” Raven yells, just causing Murphy to smile.

“Can’t handle a little man loving?”

“That I can handle.” Clarke says. “But I don’t need to hear about you two. That is disgusting.”

“Yeah, babe. Careful or I might break up with you.” Bellamy says.

Murphy pouts and drops his leg in Bellamy’s lap. “Right after inviting me to your family’s place for Christmas? That goes a bit against Christmas spirit doesn’t it?” Bellamy laughs as he pushes Murphy’s leg off and leans it for a short kiss, causing Raven and Octavia to shout out in disgust once again. Clarke fakes a gag, even as she smiles, and Murphy holds his hands up in surrender.

“Who knew we would end up so gay?” Clarke asks.

“High school us would be impressed.” Bellamy says.

“Every group slowly gets gayer.” Raven answers. “I’m just surprised that more than half of our couples are gay.”

Clarke’s eyes widen and she looks down, wanting the topic to change before everyone starts getting a little more interested.

            Unfortunately, she wasn’t so lucky.

            “Speaking of,” Octavia starts, “when are you going to tell us about your secret relationship?”

            Clarke groans. “Never.”

            “It’s professor hotty, isn’t it?” Murphy asks. Clarke frowns. “Knew it!”

            “Hey, she’s not your professor anymore.” Bellamy points out.

            “Yeah, don’t waist your breath,” Raven adds, “she’s going to take her sweet time before coming out.”

            “I’m out, Ray.”

            “I mean your relationship, Clarke.”

            “Oh.”

            “If it helps,” Octavia says, “Lincoln says he hasn’t seen Lexa this happy in a while.” Clarke just blushes. “We are all rooting for you.”

            “I second that.” Raven says.

            The girls turn to Bellamy and Murphy who both groan and agree.

            “Thanks, guys. “ Clarke mutters.

 * * *

The heater works quickly, filling the small apartment with hot air. Every time someone opens the door they bring a fresh burst of cold air with them. The plate of cookies quickly grows smaller and Lincoln refills it for Lexa. Anya hands out drinks, mainly wine and eggnog, and Lexa lights candles.

The white elephant game begins after dinner and Lexa ends with a bag of kitty litter. She thanks the giver, Adam, and stores it in her room. Next, she hands out the small gifts she and Anya had picked out for everyone, and smiled in response to every ‘thank you’.

The party doesn’t end until midnight and Lexa says ‘Merry Christmas’ to each guest as they leave.

The next day she and Anya celebrate alone. It’s a short celebration and the rest of the day consists of baking, movies and window-shopping.

At the end of the day, Lexa picks up the only gift left under the tree and looks down at the ‘wait until Christmas’ note. She smiles as she unwraps it and feels her eyes heat up when she pulls out a sleek leather jacket, a fake crown, and war paint. She sets the gifts aside in favor of the small note.

_Merry Christmas, Lexa. I wish I was with you to celebrate but I’m sure you’ve had a great time._

_I saw you eyeing this jacket the other week and couldn’t resist. I just know you’ll look great in it. It’s so you. And with the crown and war paint you can be the Heda I’ve always known you were meant to be in another life. Be the Warrior I know you are. Fight the battles others would shy away from. Make a difference. Run the race and I’ll be right next to you. Running. Together we will reach the finish line, Lexa. I promise._

_Anyways, Merry Christmas. I’m so thankful for you and the time we have had together. I can’t wait to see you again, I’m sure I already miss you, even though in reality I’m going to see you in a few hours. But when you read this it will be another week._

_I’m rambling. I care about you so much, Lexa. Never forget that._

_-Clarke <3_

A small, hot tear falls out of the corner of Lexa’s eye and she lets it fall. She holds the note close and takes a deep breath, feeling the pain of longing pass through her.

She whispers out into the cold air with her eyes closed, “I love you.”


	17. Homecoming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut Warning. You will be able to tell when it's coming if you want to skip.

Clarke hugs her parents long and hard, crying when she has to let go. She waves as she walks through the airport security and takes a deep breath. Back to college.

Back to Lexa.

Technically, classes don’t start up again for another two weeks, but Indra requested that Clarke return early and Clarke wasn’t going to say no. Raven would be shortly behind her, as well. So the apartment will only be empty for a couple of days.

She doesn’t sleep this time. Instead, she finishes the book she’s reading and makes friends with the old man sitting next to her. He’s on his way to visit his kids who couldn’t make it in for Christmas. Clarke wants to hug him. She does.

The plane lands and Clarke feels her heart land with it. The tears from missing her family still burn her eyes; but the excitement to be back and the anticipation to see Lexa again win over.

Clarke stands up with everyone else on the place and rests her leg on her chair while she waits for an opening. A man allows her into the small walkway and she thanks him.  Grabs her carry on following the line out of the plane.

Arriving in her new home for the second time sends chills of comfort through her fingertips. This time, though, she is alone and knows the city. She calls a cab and gives the man her address. He nods and Clarke watches as he takes the most direct path; knowing he isn’t deceiving her by taking a longer, more expensive, way to her destination. 

“Thank you,” Clarke says, handing the money over to the driver as she climbs out of the car. He nods after her and drives off as soon as she’s shut the door.

Clarke throws her bag into her bedroom and pulls out her phone, dropping to the couch.

* * *

Lexa suppresses a groan as she lays out the stack of papers. She whispers a mantra to herself, ‘Finish line, finish line, make it to the finish line,’ as she individually picks up each paper, scans it, and adds it to its correct pile. It has, after all, only been two hours. When she’s done with this, probably a few hours from now, there will be someone waiting for her.

Lexa smiles and throws the next page in the trash. Filing for Indra might not be the most exciting way to spend a Saturday morning, but watching movies with Clarke is the most exciting way to spend a Saturday night.

As she filters through the hundreds of miscellaneous pages, she lets her mind wonder. She remembers the two weeks without Clarke. The way Anya had made her a priority, knowing the season was hard for her. The short call she got from her brother to wish her a Merry Christmas. The way Arky would never leave her side. Clarke needed someone to watch him while she was gone and Lexa volunteered before even thinking of the complications behind volunteering to watch your… girlfriend’s?... dog while she’s away.

“Who’s dog?” Anya had asked curious at the time.

“A friend’s,” Lexa had answered vaguely.

“He’s cute.”

“Yeah, he is.”

Lexa watches him now, sleeping on his bed on the other side of the room. His stomach rises and falls with each deep breath. He occasionally whines and paws at the bed. Lexa smirks, wondering what dog’s dream about. Probably Clarke. It took him two days to stop sulking around the house after she left. And even now, he’s nowhere near as happy as he is with her. 

He may be happier to see her tonight than Lexa is.

Lexa scoffs and imagines it. Walking into Clarke’s apartment with Arky by her feet. The door opens and Arky yanks the leash out of Lexa’s hand at first sight of Clarke. He scratches at her legs until she picks him up, laughing while he continuously licks her face. Lexa would watch until it was her turn to greet Clarke with her own kisses.

The night would continue with movies and drinks. Maybe even…

Lexa’s cheeks turn read and she stops the thought short, returning to the task in front of her.

* * *

_ When do you get in?  _ Clarke texts Bellamy.

_ John doesn’t want to stay here long, so probably tomorrow or Monday. He says a few days with his family is enough lol  _ Bellamy replies.

_ That bad? _

_ Actually I like them. I think John is just bitter. _

_ Is he out to them? _

_ No. That is the worst part. They’re cool besides being slightly homophobic. _

Clarke frowns at that. If her parents didn’t know, she wouldn’t want to be home with her girlfriend for more than a few days either.  _ Are you just his friend or something? _

_ Yeah. Apparently I’m the first friend he’s brought home. _

_ Bell. You’re the first dude he’s introduced to his parents. That’s huge. _

_ I know, Clarke. Its been kinda stressful. _

_ I’m sure they love you. _

_ They definitely do. It’s still nerve wracking, tho. John acts different around his family. and though his siblings and mom are pretty nice, his dad is a bit of a douche. _

_ I’m sorry. That sucks. _

_ Eh. We will be back soon enough. Have fun with the teach tonight. _

_ Thx.  _ Clarke sends before closing her phone and returning to the cooking before her. She pulls the dough out of the oven and covers it with the sauce and toppings before returning it to the oven. She flips the salad and cuts tomatoes to add.

A few minutes later, there’s a knock at the door and Clarke instantly drops the spoon she’s holding and heads towards the sound. Her heart pauses until she has a hand on the doorknob and is turning it.

“Clarke.” Lexa says with a smile. Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa’s neck and pulls her in for a hug. Arky jumps between them, begging for Clarke’s attention. Clarke ignores him in favor of accepting Lexa’s kiss before pulling them both inside and finally picking Arky up.

“Hi, baby! I missed you so much!” Clarke says, petting Arky as he shakes his entire body.

“Something smells delicious, Clarke.”

“I made pizza.”

“And I brought wine.” Lexa holds it out and Clarke smiles. She takes it from Lexa and carries it to the kitchen where she checks on the cooking pizza.

“It should be ready in about five minutes. “Clarke says. As she closes the oven, she feels small hands wrap around her waist and Lexa rests her chin on Clarke’s shoulder. “Hi.” She whispers.

“Hi.” Lexa holds Clarke as she turns around, so they’re chest to chest. Lexa kisses Clarke softly, pushing her up against the counter behind them.

Clarke accepts, fitting her tongue against Lexa’s. She grasps onto Lexa’s shirt to keep her grounded as Lexa takes over the kiss. Clarke finds herself being pushed further against the counter and she moans when Lexa surges forward.

Then the oven dings and Clarke groans when Lexa pulls away and heads to the living room with a smirk. Clarke groans at the missing warmth of Lexa’s body, but turns to retrieve the pizza anyways.  She takes a deep breath and tells herself to compose and not rip Lexa’s new leather jacket off her strong shoulders.

“You can choose the movie, if you want.” Clarke calls to Lexa.

Lexa doesn’t waste a breath before answering. “Harry Potter marathon?”

Clarke turns around, eyes wide. “Yes!” She exclaims, rushing to a smiling Lexa, planting a kiss on her cheek after saying, “I knew there was some reason I liked you.”

The pair eats the entire pizza during the first movie and by the end of the second, have finished a bottle of wine and find themselves in a comfortable position. Lexa has her head in Clarke’s lap, who mindlessly rubs Lexa’s back. Unfortunately, Clarke has to leave at the end of the movie to take Arky out to go to the bathroom. Clarke tells Lexa she’ll be back, deciding to use the short walk to catch her breath and let the night air calm her crawling skin. She walks slowly with Arky in front, feeling her racing heart push at her chest with anticipation for the rest of the night.

When she returns, the third movie is playing and two new cups have been filled with wine. 

Lexa sits cross legged on the couch and doesn’t even glance at Clarke when she enters. Clarke frowns.

She sits on the couch sideways, tucking one leg behind Lexa’s back to give her better leverage to kiss the side of Lexa’s neck.

“Clarke.” Lexa whispers.

“Yes?” Clarke mutters, moving behind Lexa’s ear.

“Harry is in the night bus.”

Clarke groans and rolls her eyes, moving away from a smirking Lexa.

By the time Hermione punches Draco, though, Lexa gives up this ploy up.

Lexa slowly sets her glass down next to Clarke’s empty one and turns to face Clarke. 

“Clarke?”

“Yes?” Clarke answers, eyes not leaving the TV.

“We’ve been dating for over three months.”

“Yes.”

“And now I am no longer your teacher.”

“Mhmm.”

“Clarke…” Lexa pauses, takes a deep breath and holds her chin high. “I would like your permi-“ She’s stopped short by a hard kiss from Clarke. An initial shocked yelp is swallowed and Lexa’s eyes flutter shut.

Clarke positions her arms on either side of Lexa’s head and softly sits back on Lexa as she kisses deep. Lexa pulls her hands up Clarke’s back and feels the shirt follow her hands. Pausing the kiss, Clarke tugs the shirt off. Lexa maps Clarke’s chest with her eyes, lips turning slightly up. She runs her fingertips over Clarke’s smooth skin and pinches the lacy fabric of her bra. Clarke reaches up at that and unclips her bra, tossing it to the side. Lexa bites her lip at the exposed breasts. She pulls her finger over the breast and nipple, causing Clarke’s breath to come deeper. After a moment of exploring, she grabs the boobs in her hands and Clarke comes down to continue the kiss. Lexa meets her, gritting her teeth every time Clarke pulls away slightly.

Somehow, they end up in a sitting position, Clarke straddling Lexa. She holds Lexa’s face between her hands, kissing her swollen lips as her hips grind down against Lexa’s lap. Lexa’s fingernails dig into the base of Clarke’s back as she moves. She feels shivers of arousal clench within her core each time Clarke grinds down.

Lexa moves to kiss down Clarke’s neck, licking and sucking as she does.  She feels Clarke grip her shoulders and the audible gasp of pleasure when her mouth wraps around Clarke's nipple. Clarke's grinding begins to stutters as she sucks, leaving a hickey, before kisses a line from one to the other. Her tongue teasing the sensitive skin of the other nipple before biting down gently upon the erect bud. 

Clarke gasps loudly, bucking slightly. Lexa pulls away quickly, worried she’s hurt Clarke. However, Clarke grabs Lexa’s face again and rewards her with a deep kiss, sliding her tongue into Lexa’s mouth and grinding down harder than before.

Then, suddenly, Lexa is cold and the weight on top of her is gone. Clarke has stood up and grabbed Lexa’s hand, glancing down at her with blown pupils, giving away her intense desire to have Lexa now. Lexa stands, feeling a flood of wetness escape her as she does. She moans in response, biting her lip hard as Clarke leads her to the bedroom. When they pass through the door, Clarke nips at Lexa’s bottom lip and gently pushes her towards the bed, slowly closing the door behind them.

She leans against the closed door, skin slick with sweat white hot desire rushing through her. “What do you want, Lexa?” She asks, voice low as she tries to keep her cool.

“You.” Lexa pants. Clarke’s composure falls at that one word and she pushes off the wall, pulling her pants off as she moves. 

“Specifically.” Clarke says, much less composed than before. Her voice comes out short as the need for Lexa grows. She stands before her in nothing but her small black underwear, her nipples hard and her breathing fast.

Lexa breaths hard, closes her eyes to take a second to think, and bites her lip.

“I want you to ride me.” She finally says.

Clarke grins. “Take off your clothes and lie down.” She says, voice tight. Lexa moans, pulling at her clothes quickly. She lets her hands move slowly against her skin, relishing in her own touch against her tingling, hot skin. 

Lexa does as she’s told, staring at the ceiling. She opens and closes her eyes, licking her lips as she breathes hard, almost panting, as she waits. The bed dips and Clarke crawls towards her, causing excitement and eagerness to push against her chest. Clarke moves up Lexa’s body slowly, teasing her as she moves with small licks and nips. She kisses Lexa’s sensitive skin, causing her to moan and writhe with uncontrollable need. Clarke pulls away, keeping Lexa’s eye contact as she straddles her once again.

“Let me know if you want to stop.” Clarke whispers against Lexa’s lips.

“I won’t want to.” She replies. “But I will.”

“Good.” Clarke kisses her softly before moving so her legs lay on both sides of Lexa’s head. Clarke braces herself against the wall as she slowly lowers herself. Lexa meets her before she’s down and Clarke jumps at the feeling of Lexa’s tongue on her warmth.

Clarke’s soaking. Her arms and legs shake as Lexa’s tongue moves. Lexa holds onto Clarke’s legs and softly sucks on Clarke’s wet folds, pulling them between her teeth occasional to cause Clarke moan with desire. Clarke gently ruts forward, begging for more.  Lexa is happy to comply, flattening her tongue, swiping it from the bottom of glistening slit stopping just short of Clarke's clit, causing Clarke to grind deeper on to her tongue. Clarke moans spur Lexa on as she alternates between dipping her tongue into the wet center before her and teasing the swollen clit peeking out from its hood.

Clarke moans with pleasure as Lexa works tirelessly, sucking Clarke’s clit between her lips, and nibbling at it softly when Clarke gasps a small ‘fuck’.

“Fuck! Harder...” She begs.

Lexa smiles as she pulls away, licking at the juices around Clarke’s lips. Clarke barely has time to moan the loss when she feels hands grip her hips and gasps as her back meets the mattress. She feel Lexa's kissing up her thighs, sucking and licking her way to Clarke’s waiting center. She cries out as a sharp prick pierces the skin of her left thigh where Lexa's has bitten down, marking Clarke as hers. Then she feel Lexa's hot mouth close around her clit as her tongue teases and coaxes the swollen bud further. 

Clarke writhes beneath her. “Lexa! Please!” she hears Clarke pleads desperately.

Lexa relishes the sound of her girlfriend breathing hard and moaning for more. Intense pleasure at finally having Clarke a mess beneath her, begging and praising, courses through Lexa, urging her forward. Lexa steals a glance up, finding Clarke eyes squeezed shut, biting her lip, and straining up. Her chest rises with a deep breath and falls quickly when Lexa moves from Clarke’s waistline back to her warmth. Clarke shouts out with Lexa roughly rubs her tongue against her girlfriend’s clit. The feels Clarke tense up as she buries one finger into her tight, slick cunt. Clarke jerks forward and Lexa adds another. She lowers herself and licks at Clarke’s clit again. Thrusting in and out, the pads at the tips of her fingers drag along the top puffy walls, finding Clarke’s G-spot. She camps out there for a moment, lightly teasing with small pulls, bringing Clarke closer and closer to release. 

“Lexa!” Clarke groans, obviously tired of the slow pace. “Faster! Please.” 

Lexa smirks as Clarke twists her hands in the sheets and her body wriggles, grinding into Lexa. She pushes down on Lexa’s fingers and Lexa pushes her fingers against the G-spot. Lexa begins to suck and thrust in earnest. As she feels Clarke’s walls begin to flutter around her fingers, she scrapes her teeth lightly over Clarke’s clit, sending Clarke over the edge. 

Clarke lets out a small cry and mutters, “fuck, Lexa.” her hips push off the mattress and her legs tighten up around Lexa’s head as she helps Clarke ride out the rest of her orgasm.  

Then she relaxes and lets out a breath.

Lexa slowly removes her fingers and kisses at Clarke. She kisses up her stomach, each nipple, her throat, and finally her lips. Clarke sighs into the kiss and smiles.

“How was that?” Lexa whispers, as she moves to kiss down Clarke’s neck.

“Perfect.” Clarke pecks Lexa’s lips. “You’re perfect.” Another peck.

“I missed you.” Lexa breathe, snuggling closer into Clarke’s chest.

“And I missed you.”

“Don’t leave me again.” She says, quietly, almost as if it were a secret.

“Never again.” Clarke promises. Then she smirks and kisses Lexa again,a suggestive gleam in her eye. “Now it’s your turn.”

“Yes, Princess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to send a huge thank you out to Honi, my new beta reader! She's been a huge help for this chapter so I hope you guys enjoyed it.  
> Find Honi's tumblr @honiteabee and AO3 @2worldscreationsfolly


	18. Hold me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning at the beginning of this chapter: violence mention, assumed non-canon character death. Also, Lexa's dad isn't the best.

Lexa was ten years old.

Or was she nine? Maybe she was nine. She doesn’t remember. And it’s not like it really matters.

She was young. That’s what matters. Only a kid. Still growing. Still figuring out the world. 

That day, she was laying on her stomach, reading a book she had stolen from her parents room. Her mother said she could read them whenever she wanted, if she could figure out the big words.

Her dad, though, thought that spending hours trying to understand adult things was a waste of her time. She should be practicing softball or ballet instead. So Lexa made a promise to herself.

Three hours of practice after homework and then she would read until she fell asleep. Maybe Dad would be okay with that.

He wasn’t. He yelled, once. “I spend hours making money to send you to these classes, Lexa!”

Dad worked hard, he said. Mom never agreed. One time, Lexa heard her once on the phone with her sister. “He’s losing it all. All of it. I don’t know what to do.” Her mom started crying. Lexa ran away. 

Anyways. Lexa was nine years old when it happened. Dad was ‘at work’. Lin was outside practicing with his bow. Mom was out grabbing ice cream for Lexa and Lin.

There was a scream. Lexa dropped the book she was clutching tight and ran outside.

“Go back inside, Lexa dear.” Her mom said with a calm, steady voice.

“Mommy…” Lexa had cried.

“Who have we got here?” The man had asked, turning to Lexa with cold, almost happy, eyes. He sneered at her, yellow, broken teeth poking out from under his lips. 

Lexa looked down at her feet and sniffed. She sucked in a breath, thought of the strong girl in the book she was reading, and looked up to meet his eyes. “Don’t hurt my Mom.” She had whispered.

She meant to sound stronger, steadier. Not scared out of her mind. But sometimes your voice betrays you.

“I warned him.” The man said. The words, and the push of the knife, the scream, screams, crying, falling… all the noise muffled into one, deafening cry, wakes Lexa up every day of her life.

“Run.”

She does.

She runs, ignoring the yells from behind her, calling her name. 

“Lexa. Lexa? Lexa! Lexa, babe! Wake up!” Lexa’s cheeks soak with tears. Her body shakes. Clarke pulls at her shoulders, holding their chests together to try and soothe Lexa’s rapidly beating heart.

With a roaring inhale, Lexa’s body seizes and she jumps forward. Clarke keeps her arms wrapped tightly around Lexa’s shoulders. She hushes quietly, running the pads of her fingers over Lexa’s sweat slicked back as it heaves with rough, struggling breaths.

Lexa sucks in hard, feeling her lungs burn with need. Each breath is more shallow than the last and just as she thinks she’s gotten air in, the stream is interrupted by tears. Lexa grits her teeth together, pulling in the air between them. She stares at the bed before her, watching as the sheets slowly move with Clarke.

Clarke.

Clarke?

“Lexa! Hey. Breathe. It’s okay, Lexa. I’m here. You’re here. You’re safe. Breathe, baby, breathe. Please, Lexa?” Clarke holds Lexa close, her heart speeding up to match Lexa’s. Fear for her girlfriend courses through her body and she pushes it away in favor of soothing Lexa. 

Lexa blinks. She pulls her hand up, watching it move as she does. She wraps it around Clarke’s hand that’s gripping her chest. She turns her head to meet Clarke’s wide, worried filled eyes.

“Clarke.” Lexa whispers.

Clarke smiles. 

Lexa’s eyes fill with tears. She should swallow the dream. Swallow her tears. Stand up and leave Clarke behind. She doesn’t need this. Lexa doesn’t need to be so weak in front of her.

She tries to swallow. She sits up straight and looks ahead.

A tear falls out of the corner of Clarke’s eye.

Lexa falls forward, letting Clarke catch her in a warm embrace. Lexa shakes with sobs and holds on tight.

“Shh…. You’re okay. You’re okay.”

* * *

Lexa’s eyes feel puffy and raw when they open again. They’re sticky, along with her cheeks. She groans as she sits forward, glancing around her. It takes only a moment for her to remember she’s in Clarke Griffins bedroom.

Where she had sex and then fell asleep in Clarke’s arms.

Then woke up in a sobbing mess for Clarke to clean up.

Lexa shakes at the memory. She stands up slowly, searches for her shirt, and pulls it on.  She steps into her underwear next and ignores the other clothing in favor of the smell of coffee drifting through the open doorway.

“Good morning. “ Clarke says, smiling. Lexa leans against the doorway, watching with adoration as Clarke pours coffee into a second mug. “Coffee?”

“Yes please.” Lexa answers. Clarke doesn’t even ask how Lexa wants it. She knows. One sugar, nothing else. Clarke hands the mug over and Lexa accepts with her head low, unable to meet Clarke’s eyes after the previous night’s events.      

“Lexa?” Clarke whispers, caution obvious in her tone. Lexa looks up, meeting Clarke’s eyes in response. “I don’t need to know why, if you don’t want to tell me. But I have to know you’re okay.”

Lexa’s eyes start to burn. She pushes it back and nods. “I’m okay.”

Clarke looks unconvinced. For a terrifying moment, Lexa is worried Clarke won’t drop the subject. She’ll force Lexa to explain. Or she will decide the real Lexa, the wall-less Lexa, won’t be worth it.

Then Clarke steps forward and touches Lexa’s shoulder. At the first indication of Lexa relaxing, Clarke pulls her into a hug. “Good.” She whispers in her ear.

She doesn’t say anything else. No ‘I’m here for you’, no ‘you can tell me anything’, no ‘are you sure?’ Nothing else. Just the hug. Everything else goes unsaid. And Lexa silently thanks her with a tighter hug, burying her face in Clarke’s neck.

After that, they have an hour of a relaxing morning before Lexa leaves for work. Clarke kisses her in the doorway and whispers ‘I missed you’ in Lexa’s ear. Lexa responds with a deeper kiss and ‘me too’. Clarke watches her leave before returning to her small apartment.

Arky looks up at her with a tilted head, questioning. Clarke laughs and scoops him up, hugging him close as he wiggles with excitement. Clarke takes him to the dog park and reads on the bench while Arky makes friends with older, bigger dogs. It only takes an hour before he’s found a best friend that happens to be a large Great Dane that walks so carefully around Arky that Clarke wonders if his family has a baby back home.

Clarke starts work for Indra the next day. Lexa shows her the ropes. Apparently she’s taking Lexa’s old duties so Lexa is more available for Indra. At work, Clarke and Lexa speak cordially to one another and rarely touch. Occasionally they will steal small glances, but Lexa always looks away before too long. It’s Clarke who finds herself watching Lexa move about the office, chin high and voice stern with everyone with whom she speaks too. People wander in, ask Clarke questions she doesn’t have the answer to, and Lexa steps forward, expertly taking them where they need to go. Clarke can’t help but fall every time a situation is thrown at Lexa and she catches it without blinking.

She falls farther than she thought was possible in those two weeks. From work to the bedroom. From the bed to an occasional outing that sometimes turns into a date. When Raven finally returns, Clarke has to reel herself in, grab onto the side of the river bank so she doesn’t get pulled away by Lexa’s bright green eyes and commanding voice.

_ My Heda. _

Clarke is sure to carve time out of every day to spend with her best friend. And then Bellamy and Murphy returns and she hangs out with them sometimes too, though less often. They seem to have found… other ways to spend their nights. And days. And mornings.

Raven, though, needs Clarke. Her job at the store only keeps her busy a few hours a week. Luckily, Raven likes Lexa and Lexa has grown comfortable with the idea of being with Clarke around Raven. “Just not Indra” Lexa had compromised when Clarke invited her over for girls night.

“Of course not Indra.” Clarke promised. Indra might not care, but the small chance she would was too much for Clarke to ignore. It wasn’t just Clarke’s future at stake. It was Lexa’s too. And she’s worked for years for this.

Clarke reminds herself of this daily with the knowledge that Lexa’s office is just a few steps away from her. 

She scrolls her computer, running the past week through her head. Her thoughts are interrupted by a call from Indra’s office.

“Clarke.” 

Clarke jumped up and rushed to the door. “Yes, Professor Porter?”

“First, we talked about this. That’s too long. Call me Indra when in the offices I will not be offended.”

“Of course, Indra.”

“Good. I need you to go to the Smith Law Firm and talk to Mr. Lonergan for me. Tell him Indra Porter sent you with this,” Indra hands over an envelope and Clarke accepts, “and tell him that if he wants to collaborate with me, he will have to show me something more impressive. I don’t care about his case history, I care about his history with the senators of the town, who don’t seem to like him very much. Also, I need a latte. Take my card.” Indra gestures to her wallet and Clarke cautiously picks it up to fish out the credit card.

“Of course.”

“Go ahead and ask Lexa if she wants something, too. And get yourself a drink.”

“Oh. Thank you so much.”

“Please. I’m barely paying you. It’s the least I can do.”

Clarke bows slightly, having adopted their ways of nodding as a greeting and farewell.

“I’ll be back shortly.” Clarke leaves Indra’s office and knocks on Lexa’s door.

“Come in.”

Clarke pushes the door open and closes it behind her when she enters. Lexa glances up and doesn’t even smile. Clarke rolls her eyes.

“Coffee run. Want anything?”

“Black, o-”

“One sugar.” Clarke finishes for her as she rounds Lexa’s desk. Lexa looks up surprised as Clarke spins her chair.

“Clarke, what are you doing?”

Clarke smirks, having gotten Lexa’s attention. “Doors closed. I miss you, Lexa. You haven’t been over in four days.”

“You were at my place two days ago.” Lexa counters as Clarke straddles Lexa and lowers herself into her lap. “Clarke…”

Clarke cuts her off with a soft kiss. “Indra is engrossed in her work. Just a minute, Lexa.”

Lexa starts to protest but quickly gives in when Clarke starts moving her hips. Lexa’s hands fly up and push against Clarke’s back. She moans into the kiss and chases Clarke’s mouth. Their tongues dance together as Clarke lick her way into Lexa's mouth. A soft moan escape between them as Clarke begins to grinds harder, rutting deeper against Lexa's hips. Clarke reaches down between them, rubbing at Lexa through her pants.

Lexa’s hips jump at the sensation and her head falls back as her breaths grow deeper. “Clarke.” She mutters through gritted teeth. Clarke kisses her exposed neck, biting softly before licking over the irritated skin. Clarke rubs hard with her fingers and rolls her hips. Lexa’s ragged breathing urges her on.

Lexa raises her head and meets Clarke in another kiss. Her eyes close as their lips push together, hard, teeth clashing. Lexa pushes her tongue into Clarke’s mouth and rakes her fingernails against Clarke’s back.

Lexa’s fingers get under Clarke’s loose dress and Clarke instantly stops all her movement and climbs off Lexa.

Lexa watches her, eyes wide and skin flushed. Disbelieving shock paints her face as Clarke smirks and turns toward the door.

“Clarke Griffin, you will be the death of me,” she murmurs.

“And you,” Clarke winks, “Lexa Woods, bring me life.”

Lexa rolls her eyes and glares at Clarke with annoyance. Clarke just grins, blows a kiss her way, and leaves the office. 


	19. Morning Meals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Smut.

Clarke swings her legs. She feels them move forward, come back, knock the cupboard, and fly forward again. The air wraps around her freshly shaved legs and the brush sends chills up her bare legs. Clarke frowns. Maybe she should put her pants back on.

Then there are soft hands splaying across her thighs. Lexa’s hands are forceful as the knead her flesh gently. Clarke grits her teeth, holding in a moan, when the rubbing grows slightly rougher. She suddenly remembers why she is pantless. She looks up and instantly falls into Lexa’s gaze. She leans forward and presses her lips against Lexa’s, smiling as she wraps her bare legs around Lexa’s waist, pulling her closer. 

Lexa braces herself by placing a hand on the counter next to Clarke, feeling the cold stone countertop against her heating skin. She pushes up, to get closer to Clarke, who wraps her arms around Lexa’s neck. Each time Clarke smiles, Lexa kisses her teeth, causing Clarke to laugh.

“Okay!” Lexa breathes, stepping away from Clarke’s sloth-like grip. “Stop distracting me. I’m trying to make you breakfast.”

“I didn’t do anything!” Clarke defends.

“Yes, you did.”

“What did I do?” In response, Lexa gestures to Clarke, who is still sitting on the counter, legs swinging. Her long t-shirt barely covers her ass and her messy hair is pulled up in a haphazard bun. She wears no bra, something Lexa notices easily. Her face is flushed and her small smirk taunts Lexa. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You! Being all adorable, sitting pantless on my kitchen counter, watching me cook you eggs and bacon.”

“Would you like me to go put pants on?” Clarke asks, starting to push off the counter.

“No!” Lexa shouts, pushing herself in front of Clarke once again. She licks her dry lips, staring down at Clarke’s legs before glancing up at Clarke’s craving eyes. “You’re perfect just the way you are.” She mutters, voice rough. She reaches forward, lightly brushing against Clarke’s harden nipples through the shirt. She pinches one, causing Clarke to gasp. “The way you are always so ready for me,” she says, gently playing with Clarke’s boob through the shirt, causing Clarke to moan. She goes up for another kiss but Clarke pulls away.

“Uh, uh!” Clarke tsks, “I wouldn’t want to…” She leans forward, brushing her lips along Lexa’s cheek, sending warm waves of pleasure along her face, causing her to shiver in response as she whispers, “distract you.” She pulls a foot up Lexa’s leg and pauses on her ass before dropping it again.

Lexa groans, turning back to the stove despite every bone in her body screaming at her to turn and grab Clarke’s face, feeling those soft lips against her own. 

Clarke pulls one leg up and tucks it under so she’s sitting on it. She continues swinging the other leg, occasionally tracing her toes up Lexa’s leg when she gets within reach. Lexa bats it away and glares at Clarke, the intimidation she’s trying to muster completely overshadowed by the affection she feels for the blonde.

Clarke licks her lips as Lexa moves close with a piece of bacon between her fingers. Leaning in, she takes slow teasing bites, feeling the heat of the grease slide down her face, her soft moans as she draws closer to Lexa’s fingers, watching her girlfriend’s blown eyes grow wider. Clarke captures her thumb and forefinger sucking softly. Lexa holds in a groan when Clarke let’s go and sits back on the counter, waiting for the rest of the breakfast to be ready.

Lexa carries two plates to the dining room table and Clarke hops of the counter to follow. Her feet slap against the cold tile in the kitchen and she shivers slightly, reaching for her warm, steaming cup of coffee. 

“Only a few days until classes start back up.” Lexa comments when they’ve finally settled down at the table with plates of bacon, eggs, and biscuits in front of them.

“I know.” Clarke frowns.

“Not excited?”

“No. I like this. Days with you. Laying in bed. Only leaving for meals. It’s much better than studying and tests.”

Lexa smiles. “I know. But this is why you’re here. You love classes, Clarke.”

Clarke is about to respond with ‘I love you’, but she bites her tongue and shoves a forkful of eggs in her mouth instead.

Lexa swallows, feeling the shift in the air like the seasons change. “Anyways,” she wipes her mouth and turns to Clarke, “we can still spend our days in bed, Clarke. Just after we’ve been to class.”

Clarke nods. “You’re right.” Clarke leans over, kisses Lexa, and grabs her empty plate. “Breakfast was delicious, Babe.” She comments as she drops the plates in the sink and washes her hands.

“Anything you want to do today?” Lexa asks, following Clarke to the kitchen.

Clarke feigns thought, turning to rest her back against the sink. “Hmm.” She grabs her chin, pursing her lips and looking up, as if thinking of the right answer. “I had a few ideas.” She pushes off the sink, towards Lexa. Before she reaches her, though, she slides out of her grasp and heads to Lexa’s bedroom. “I’m going to bed.” She calls back to Lexa. “You feel free to do what you want today!” 

Lexa chuckles and rolls her eyes as she follows her girlfriend. She walks into her bedroom and watches as Clarke pulls off her shit. Her exposed back stretches as she moves; tan skin pulling taut over muscles. Lexa’s mouth runs dry. Her legs grow weak. She bites her lips and feels the now all too familiar need for Clarke bloom between her legs. She closes the distance between them and kisses Clarke’s back. Clarke’s eyes flutter shut and her head rolls back as she soaks in the feeling of Lexa’s lips against her warm skin.

Clarke turns, causing Lexa to pause her kissing until she has Clarke’s chest in front of her.

Lexa pushes Clarke onto the bed and climbs on top of her, instantly licking Clarke’s hard, perky nipples. Clarke drops her head to the bed and buries her hand in Lexa’s hair, pulling gently when Lexa scrapes her teeth against the nipples.

Lexa feels herself grow wetter with every second. Her body begs her to seek her own release, but Lexa ignores the desire in favor of continuing to get Clarke rolling in need below her.  In a moment of weakness, Lexa settles on Clarke’s tit with her mouth and grabs Clarke’s hand, lowering it to her own heat. She guides Clarke’s finger between her lips, pulling the wet desire up to her clit where she starts rubbing. The feeling of Clarke’s finger causes her kissing to stutter for a moment. Each rub from the bad of her finger sends shock waves of pleasure down her legs. Clarke’s skin grows hot and her breathing fills Lexa’s ears, each suck of breath giving away Clarke’s desire for more.

Soon, Clarke gently pushes Lexa off, causing Lexa to groan. Clarke climbs off the bed and glances down at Lexa. She scans her nude girlfriend, taking in every inch of her flushed body.

Lexa’s legs are slightly bent, showing off her red, wet, throbbing sex. Her stomach rises and falls with quick breaths. Every inch of her skin glistens with sweat and her face falls tight with need for more. Clarke smirks. She gracefully traces Lexa’s leg with her fingertip and relishes the feeling of goose bumps rising where she touches. 

Clarke bends down, opening the bedside table. She pushes aside the books and reaches into the back, where she knows Lexa keeps her toys. She grabs the small vibrating dildo and returns to the bed. Lexa glances at the object in Clarke’s hand and her eyes widen in excitement.

“Turn over.” Clarke commands.

Lexa does as she says, feeling the cool, soft sheets shift under her as she moves onto her stomach. Without having to be asked, she pulls her legs up and rests on her knees, leaning forward. The cool air brushes her damp skin and Lexa holds in a shiver. It hits her anyway but she’s unsure if it’s from the air or the anticipation.

Lexa stills, waiting. She listens for movement from Clarke but hears nothing. She wants to turn around but instead she lets her head fall and her eyes close.

Nothing happens for a few seconds. Clarke is silent.

Then Lexa feels Clarke’s strong, thin fingers drag along her back.

“I want to hear you.” Clarke whispers into Lexa’s ear. Lexa breathes deep and nods in response.

Lexa shudders in response, “please, Clarke.” The begging reduces Lexa to the needy mess she’s been controlling all morning.

Clarke hums and licks along Lexa’s ear. “I love the way you say my name.”

“Clarke…” Lexa moans before moving her hand down to rub her own clit. Clarke reaches under Lexa’s legs and pushes Lexa’s hand away. “No, babe.” Clarke whispers. “Stay still until I tell you otherwise.”

Lexa whimpers as Clarke gently slaps her ass in punishment. Lexa jumps forward.

“Is that okay?” Clarke asks, rubbing at the spot she just hit.

“Yes….” Lexa answers.

“Do you want more?”

“Yes, please, Clarke.” Lexa pushes her hips back, searching for Clarke. 

“Mmm, good.” Clarke hums, moving her finger up the inside of Lexa’s leg. Lexa’s legs tremble at the gentle touch. Suddenly, Clarke’s hand stops and she grabs Lexa’s leg, pushing it out so Lexa is more open for Clarke.

Lexa braces herself for Clarke’s next move. She gasps when cold dildo touches her pussy. Clarke pulls the toy between Lexa’s lips and dips it into her pulsing hole before pulling it back out. She repeats the movement twice before dropping the vibrator and replacing it with her own lips. Her legs tense for a moment at the taste of Lexa’s juices and she breathes deep as she moves between the lips. 

“Clarke…” Lexa moans again at the feeling of Clarke’s tongue against her pulsating, sensitive clit.

Clarke moves away and brings her hand down in another spank, again reddening Lexa’s ass further. Lexa lurches forward and rests her forehead against the mattress. Clarke smirks and slaps her girlfriend’s ass again, appreciating the redden skin. “How is that?” Clarke asks quietly, slapping again.

“Harder.” Lexa answers.

Clarke slaps with more force. “Harder, what?”

“Harder, please,” Lexa mutters. 

“Anything for you.” Clarke says, bringing her hand down in a strong slap on the opposite cheek. Lexa jerks at the hit and sucks in a breath. Clarke does it once more before gently rubbing the irritated skin. She leans down and kisses the red cheeks as she reaches between Lexa’s legs and rubs her wet pussy with two fingers. 

Lexa sucks in a breath, moaning as Clarke teases her cunt and kisses her ass. She feels Clarke gently nip the already sore skin, causing her to jump slightly as she feels herself tighten around Clarke’s fingers. Lexa feels her girlfriend’s lips curve into a smile before she sweeps her fingers over the throbbing wall inside her cunt.

“Clarke! Fuck!” She calls, her head throwing back at the feeling. Then the fingers are being pulled away and the kissing stops. Lexa feels empty and cold at the loss and before she has time to turn and climb on top of Clarke, her girlfriend mutters a soft command.

“Turn around.” Clarke says. Lexa immediately obeys. She sits with her back against the headboard and her eyes holding onto Clarke’s gaze. Clarke looks almost as wrecked as Lexa feels, with her hair pulled out of the bun and her chest flushed. Clarke’s chest rises when a deep breath before she crawls forward to pull Lexa into a deep, rough kiss. “You are so fucking sexy,” she says into Lexa’s mouth. “Do you realize that? Do you know what you do to me? Obeying my every command… moaning at the feeling of my tongue on your cunt. Begging for more. So good for me, Lexa…” With the last sentence, Clarke pushes at Lexa’s shoulder with one hand, silently telling her to lie flat on her back. She pulls her fingers up Lexa’s pussy again, pushing them in the hole hard, causing Lexa to jump into the movement and gasp. 

Clarke picks up the dildo once more and traces the inside of Lexa’s thighs, expertly skirting around where Lexa most wants to be touched. Clarke moves from Lexa’s lips to her throat, licking long lines along her girlfriend’s red, hot, damp skin as she gently passes over her clit with the vibrator. She soon reaches Lexa’s boobs and doesn’t waste a moment before sucking her nipple in between her teeth. She works on the hard bud, sucking it in between her teeth and pulling away, raking at the tender tip with her teeth. She moves away, settling under the nipple where she sucks a small bruise on her girlfriend’s boob, reminding her who Lexa belongs to. “These are mind,” Clarke says, releasing the soft mound with a pop, before moving onto the next. “You’re mine,” she murmurs before claiming the other.

“Yours,”” Lexa moans at the feeling. Clarke moans in response and thrusts the vibrator into Lexa’s wet, tight sex. Lexa’s back bends and her hip pushes up at the intrusion. She lets out a small yelp that quickly turns into a moan.

Clarke reaches down and rubs Lexa’s clit mercilessly while thrusting the dildo in and out until Lexa is squirming beneath her, grasping at the sheets in a desperate attempt to stay grounded. 

With every push of the vibrator, Lexa feels herself getting closer and closer to the edge. She’s almost there when Clarke pulls away.

“Lexa…” Clarke whispers, pulling Lexa into a deep kiss filled with tongue and moans. “Finish yourself.” Clarke instructs, turning off the vibrator and dropping it to the side. Lexa nods at the instruction and pushes her own fingers back to her heat, rubbing at the already throbbing pussy. She pulls her clit between her fingers and moves her fingers up and down, reaching the edge again.

Clarke watches her move mesmerized, feeling her own cunt throb with desire at the image of her girlfriend pleasuring herself. Clarke groans and leans forward to meet Lexa in another kiss, pushing her tongue past Lexa’s lips.

Lexa’s face contorts in pleasure as she starts to tip over the edge.  Without warning Clarke quickly removed Lexa's hands replacing it with her own, as Lexa finally reaches orgasm. Loving the way she tightens and clenches around her digits. Watching as Lexa's head falls back, mouth open in a silent O. Helping her ride the rest of her release.

“Holy shit. That was hot.” Clarke mutters, licking Lexa’s juices from her fingers before kissing her again. Lexa moans when she tastes herself in Clarke’s kiss and licks in her mouth for more.

Lexa, with no energy to respond, just softly smiles and nods.

“You’re hot.” Clarke adds, moving her already wet fingers to her own pussy. “Fuck. So hot.” Clarke says, rubbing hard. She thrusts against her own fingers, turning her head to look up at Lexa’s relaxed face as she works on herself.

 “Clarke…” Lexa mutters. She moves to the side, reaching down between Clarke’s legs. Clarke stops her own self explorations in favor of Lexa’s touch.

There is no teasing and it doesn’t take long before Clarke is falling over her own edge, shaking from her orgasm and soaking Lexa’s fingers. Lexa pulls away and touches her fingers to Clarke’s mouth, to suck them clean and lick off her own juices from her girlfriend’s fingers. “Fuck…” Lexa whispers. “Don’t you taste so good, Clarke,” she breathes as she pulls her fingers away and presses her lips against Clarke’s, biting her bottom lip and licking into her mouth, eager for more of Clarke. To taste more. Feel more. Hear more. “Clarke. Baby,” she whispers seductively as she straddles one of Clarke’s thighs, bringing her own knee to the blonde’s wet center. She slowly begins to grind, adding pressure with her knee when she does, listening as Clarke moans with the movement. Her girlfriend catches the rhythm and moves with her. They kiss deep, each finding themselves on their way to yet another orgasm.

They grind together, licking, biting and kissing as they come to the edge, pausing before one follows the other over the edge, a mass of tangled bodies and shallow breaths, desires sated for now. The pair relaxes, falling into a loose embrace.

Clarke smiles, looking up at Lexa. Lexa reaches down and gently kisses Clarke, whispering a nervous, “I love you.”

Lexa’s heart beats at the words she was so scared of saying. Clarke’s eyes widen and her lips curve into a smile. “I love you too.” She answers.

Lexa breathes a sigh of relief as they melt together in a chaste kiss.


	20. Be my Valentine?

Listening during class was getting progressively harder, Clarke noticed. If she’s not texting Lexa under her desk, she’s thinking about the last time they were together. If she’s not thinking about the last time they were together, she’s thinking about when they will get to be together next. If her computer is sitting on her desk, she’s scrolling through pictures she took of Lexa laying in tangled sheets or being pulled by an excited Arky through the park.  If there’s no computer and no phone, she still has a pen and a piece of paper to doodle on.

She doesn’t fully realize the problem until she gets a math test back.

“Fifty-four?” She exclaims, flipping the sheet to scan the angry red marks. “What did you get?” She asks, turning to her neighbor.

The girl, Kat, flips her own paper over. “Eighty-six. It was a hard test.”

Clarke frowns. That’s not an excuse for failing.

On the walk home Clarke calls her dad crying. He tries to calm her down with rational words like ‘grades don’t define you’ and ‘now you know how to study better next time’, but Clarke barely retains anything he says as she sucks in for air. When she reaches their building, she whispers goodbye and walks up to the apartment with her head low. She drops her bags by the front door and glances in the mirror, noticing the feverish splotches of red patterned around her eyes and cheeks.  She splashes her face with cold water and pulls her tousled hair into a knot-like bun and pulls off her nice shirt in favor of a large sweater. She falls onto the couch, pulling a thick blanket over her tired body.

Heda:  _ How were classes?  _

Clarke frowns and quickly types out a response.  _ Shit. I bombed a test. _

_ I’m sorry, Clarke. What are you doing now? _

_ Netflix. _

_ I’m on my way. _

_ Love you. _

_ I love you too. _

Clarke smiles, allowing the small texts to run through her body and leave warm rivers of affection for her girlfriend. Her lips settle into a satisfied smile as she plays the Netflix. Arky whines on the ground and Clarke lifts him onto the couch where he nuzzles himself behind her legs.

The recently dried tears leave Clarke drained, eyes heavy and face hot. Her eyes slip closed and she drifts off into a light sleep until Lexa is opening the unlocked door and making her way to the living room with two mugs of hot tea from the coffee shop down the street in hand.

“Babe…” Lexa whispers, crouching next to the couch and resting her hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “Clarke.”

Clarke’s eyes flitter open and she grins at the sight of Lexa’s soft face. She leans forward and pecks Lexa’s lips before sitting up, causing Arky to whine. “Hey.” She mutters, voice rough from unsatisfying sleep.

“Hey. You okay?” Lexa asks, handing over the tea.

Clarke shrugs. “I’ll be fine. Just frustrated.”

“I bet. Clarke, you are brilliant, you know that, right?”

Clarke looks down at her finger tracing invisible pictures on the cup. She just nods in reply.

“Clarke.” Lexa scoots closer to her girlfriend and rests a hand on her leg. “One test isn’t the end of the world. You can still do great in the class. You are a great student.”

Clarke’s throat starts to tighten, threatening to push more sobs from Clarke.

“I love you, Clarke.” Lexa whispers.

That does it. Tears spill out and Clarke falls into Lexa’s arms, shaking. Lexa rubs her back reassuringly and whispers small encouragements.

Ten minutes pass before Clarke has caught her breath and the tears have faded. Lexa stands up, retrieving a wet rag and tissues. Clarke accepts with a weak ‘thanks’.

Lexa doesn’t say anything. She holds Clarke close, arm wrapped around her shoulders, and plays the television. Arky, perceiving his mother’s distressed state, sleeps in Clarke’s lap. Clarke sips on the hot tea, feeling her insides warm from the liquid and her girlfriend’s gentle touches.

It’s like when a tornado rages right outside your small house. The fear of disaster is on the forefront of everyone’s mind, but the night of candles, board games, and loving touches eases the anxiety. The electricity may be blown, but the air is sweet with new candles and fresh air just behind the sturdy door. Worry stays prevalent, but the promise of a safe, clean tomorrow dulls the feeling. You’re not supposed to love storms, but you do. You love the lack of responsibility in the moment. Tomorrow you’ll have to pick up discarded trash and broken branches, but tonight you get to sit under a large blanket with the love of your life and a good book. The air may be violent and uncontrolled behind your walls, but inside it’s settled, resting on your cool skin.

Clarke grins. Terrifying storms create the serene nights.

Challenging days create loving moments.

Clarke would take a few minutes of crying any day if it meant hours in Lexa’s arms. 

She’s unsure when, but soon Clarke is lulled to sleep by the rhythmic rise and fall of Lexa’s chest. Thankfully, her dreams are gentle, filled with growing flowers and a tranquil river. Clarke floats on the top of the water, feeling her body bob softly with each small wave. The water’s movements match Lexa’s deep breaths and Clarke trusts the river. She trusts it with her life. She’s not worried of a fall or drowning. The choppy waves have calmed and she believes they will never come back.

She can relax and enjoy the water. 

* * *

February 14 th .

Lexa wakes up with sheets tangled around her ankles. She gently kicks at them to free herself and then rolls over. She presses her chapped lips against the smooth, warm back lying next to her. Clarke stirs quietly, not quite waking. She pushes her hips back, searching for warmth. Lexa complies, moving close to Clarke and wrapping her arms around her. Clarke hums happily in her sleep, causing Lexa to smile and kiss the back of her neck.

Lexa allows herself to lie still, holding her girlfriend close, for ten minutes before she inches away from Clarke. She moves slowly as she climbs off the bed and makes her way to the kitchen she has come to know so well in such a short time period. She glances up at the clock hanging on the wall, notes the early hour of the morning (8 am) and pulls out the pancake mix.

Raven won’t be up for at least another hour and who knows when Clarke will emerge from her room. She remembers once when Clarke slept until 3 pm. When she woke up she was worried she’d missed the entire weekend. It wasn’t until dinner time that Clarke was fully awake and ready for the day.

Lexa chuckles at the memory and swings her hips to the songs she plays in her head as she pulls out all the pancake ingredients. She precisely measures each thing and has the entire batch made by the time Clarke wakes up. She’s greeted with a kiss and a gruff ‘morning’ before Clarke goes for the coffee and grabs a pancake she eats without a fork or plate. Lexa rolls her eyes, watching her girlfriend with eyes full of love and fondness.

Lexa leaves after breakfast, despite Clarke’s whines. Indra has her working that day. ‘Holidays are our busiest days’ she’d said. Lexa didn’t argue with that, after all she only has to work until she finishes everything, which will probably only take a few hours. And afterward, Clarke says she has a surprise. 

“How should I dress, Clarke?” She had asked the night before.

Clarke had just shrugged. “Comfortably.”

“But how comfortable? Sweats? Jeans? A comfy dress?”

Clarke had just shrugged again and turned away from Lexa to light another candle. After that, all talking had ceased in favor of a more tiring activity. 

Lexa decides on her favorite black jeans and a white top. You couldn’t go wrong with simple, classic comfort, right?

At 6 o’clock, there is a small knock at the door. Lexa opens it to reveal her girlfriend, hair curled and in a grey sweater-dress. Clarke holds out a bouquet of red and white flowers mixed with green stem, leaves, and weeds.

“It reminds me of your gentle, natural spirit, your courage, and your beautiful eyes.” Clarke explains. She’s rewarded with a passionate kiss. “My lady,” Clarke says, holding out her arm for Lexa to loop hers through.

Clarke drives them across town, playing tender music that circles them as they talk about their days.  Soon, they pull up to a small pub that Lexa had once said she wanted to try.

“Clarke…” Lexa smiles when the front door is open for them, revealing a comfortable, intimate building packed from wall to wall with couples. The low ceiling has dim lights, slightly changing colors to fit the tone of the music.

The pair is led to their reserved table in the back of the restaurant. The seats are made of sturdy wood and are lined with faux fur.

“I know you’ve been wanting to try it,” Clarke says at Lexa’s smile, “I thought, what a better time than Valentine’s day? Really go all out on the cheesy date thing.”

Lexa chuckles. “I love it, Clarke.”

The menu follows the European theme of the restaurant, filled with shepherd’s pie, burgers, and an almost endless list of drinks.

The waiter takes their order and lights the candle on their table. Lexa picks it up to investigate the smell and Clarke laughs. Lexa frowns and sets it back down, causing Clarke to whisper an ‘I love you’ and push her foot against Lexa’s.

Clarke orders an entire bottle of wine. They drink half of it during dinner and takes the rest of it with them when they leave.

“Clarke, wrong way.” Lexa says when Clarke turns right out of the parking lot rather than left towards the apartment. Clarke raises her eyebrows at Lexa, who smiles sheepishly. “Oh. You have more planned?”

“Of course I have more planned,” Clarke replies, throwing her hand over her heart in mock offense. 

They drive for thirty minutes until they are out of town. The car winds up a mountain and the sun starts to fall lower in the sky. Lexa props her feet up on the front console and clicks her tongue in thought. Two guesses into twenty questions and she’s still stumped. 

“Is it bigger than a toaster?” She asks.

“Nope.”

Lexa groans. “So it’s not alive, it’s smaller than a toaster, and it can be found in an everyday household?” Clarke nods. “Is it a toaster?”

“No.”

“Does it toast bread?” Lexa asks, smirking.        

“Lexa Woods, it is not a toaster.”

“Ugh, fine. Would it be in a kitchen?”

“I guess you could put it in a kitchen, but not normally.”

Lexa frowns. She continues to ask questions until she finally gasps with realization. “IT’S A CANDLE!” She calls. Clarke chuckles and nods. Lexa gently hits her arm. “Clarke, I’m not as obsessed with candles as you seem to think I am.”

“Yeah, whatever.” At that, Clarke pulls into a small  area at the top of the mountain and backs into a spot. “We are here. Just in time, too.” She turns off the car and climbs out, heading to the back of the car. Lexa follows.

She looks out, notices the city in the distance, twinkling with bright, happy lights. The sun starts to set, setting a pleasant glow along the horizon.

The world around them smiles with love.

Clarke opens the trunk of her car to reveal blankets and pillows setup. She climbs in and motions for Lexa to follow. She does and Clarke wraps them both with the blanket and pulls out the wine and a deck of cards.

Lexa settles back against her girlfriend and watches the sun fall in the sky and the city sing below it. A satisfied smile rests on her lips and she turns her face up to catch Clarke’s lips in a chaste kiss.

“Happy Valentine’s day, Lexa.”

“Happy Valentine’s day, Clarke.”

 


	21. Sundays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! This chapter was written by my wonderful beta reader, Honi! Find her ao3 @ 2worldscreationsfolly, her fanfic.net @ worlds universes, and her tumblr @honiteabee.  
> Enjoy this WONDERFUL chapter.  
> Warning: Smut at the beginning.

The feeling of silk covers Clarke’s eyes, provoking all her other senses to sharpen. The muted thud and the gentle clinking of ice in a glass, as it’s placed near her head. She tries to breath, deeply, attempting to conceal the tremble as she waits blindfolded in anticipation of what’s to come. Soon she feels the dip of the mattress, soft thighs that settle between her own and the gentle kiss to her neck that follows. 

 

“Don’t move,” comes the soft command that sends shivers through Clarke. She nods, trusting herself to Lexa. 

 

Lexa gazes down at Clarke, watching the slight movement of the blonde’s features as she decides what to do. She knows she doesn’t have long, Clarke was never one for patience, but Lexa loves taking things slow. 

 

“Hmm,” she breathes happily as she places the ice gently upon waiting skin. 

 

Clarke inhales sharply at the first touch of the ice to the area around her nipple as it responds deliciously to the sensation. A soft ‘Beautiful,’ uttered so low Clarke isn’t sure it was even said. 

 

The cold is teasing and biting as it’s circled once, twice around her hardening peak. Her soft moans and whimpers as a warm mouth replaces the coolness of the ice, tongue flicking and teasing the hardened tip as her other breast is toyed in the same fashion. The mixed sensations are overwhelming and building, but not unpleasantly so, as Clarke fights to stifle her desire to move.  

 

The urge to take control is nearly irresistible, as Lexa continues to tease her senses slowly. But Clarke loves Lexa. She wants to give whatever she can and so for now she will control her need to take over. 

 

“I want to hear you, Clarke,” the green eyed girl murmurs close to Clarke’s ear, the hard click of the ‘k’, sends waves of arousal to her clenching center. She pants, harder, shorter and shallow. “Yes,” Lexa purrs. “I want to hear you edging closer and closer,” a nip to her ear. 

 

Clarke’s breathing hitches, turning into a needy whine. “Please…” she begs softly, her body writhing under Lexa’s touch. 

 

The click of a tongue stills her, a warning to obey, fighting the urge to grab the delicate wrist and place it where she wants.

Clarke’s body shudders violently in response as the ice is placed on her navel, the steady cold turning nippy as the ice melts slowly over her heated skin. The blonde fights to keep her head from shifting back and forth, whimpering as cold fingers ghost over sensitive skin, down to her clit, squealing the moment a cold fingertip touches the edge of her swollen heated bud. 

 

She feels herself building as long slender fingers teases her further, staying away from where Clarke wants them most. She is a panting mess as she fights to remain still under the mounting pleasure. “Please. Fuck...” She groans as her lover slowly begins to apply more pressure; her circles growing smaller and smaller around the aching bud. The moment her clit is touched Clarke is shot to the edge, writhing closer and closer and just as she is about to tip over, Lexa removes her fingers all together leaving her groaning loudly in frustration.  

 

“Not yet,” Lexa whispers as she grabs another piece of ice dragging it slowly down from the dip of her collar, a warm hand gripping her hip, to the sternum between her heaving mounds. Pausing to glide it down and up and down again, before swirling it around her navel, her belly clenching as its move to graze gently along her pelvic bone. Lexa grips Clarke’s hips as she positions herself at the apex of creamy thighs and places the ice between her lips. Soft hands kneads the flesh of Clarke’s legs coaxing them wider, until the blonde is laid open before her.  She hums low, moaning at the wetness dripping from her girlfriends eager center, inviting her in. 

 

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice is stern a warning at the fraying patience of the blonde girl below her.

 

“Hmm,” she groans aroused at the sternness of Clarke’s voice, leaning forwards, placing the cube against the bottom of Clarke’s heated sex. 

 

“Fuck,” the blonde exclaims, hips bucking as Lexa moves languid circles around her entrance, causing her to moan and beg for more. Lexa then shifts the ice, moving it up and down her twitcing slit, never getting close to the aching clit, before moving down again to pause at her center. Clarke whines at the cold as she tries to clamp her legs around the brunette head, but her legs are held firmly in place. 

 

Clarke moans turn into pleading whimpers as Lexa continues to taunts her cunt. She screams the moment the ice grazes over her clit as two long digits thrust into her center. Her hips bucking madly at the pounding pace Lexa sets. In and out the pads of her fingers curl up dragging over the spongy spot at the front as her inner walls begin to flutter widely sending Clarke hurtling again to the edge. Squeezing her eyes tight as stars burst behind her eyelids as her orgams hits her. She is pushed quickly into a second one as Lexa continues the assault on her pussy. Clarke’s body arches off the bed as Lexa replace the ice for her mouth sucking while teasing her clit with her tongue.   
  


Clarke’s hand fly to brown waves as she pushes the mouth away from her very sensitive clit. “‘nough,” she whispers as her orgams tapers to shuddering aftershocks, her body boneless with pleasure.

 

After a moment the blindfold is removed from Clarke’s face, her eyes blinking to adjust to the sudden low light, looking up into the smiling face of her favorite person. 

 

“Hey,” Lexa says, smirking proudly, before her eyes widen in surprise when Clarke flips them over sending the cup of ice to the floor, landing safely on the carpet below.

 

Lexa shivers as she looks into the blown pupils of the woman above, smiling wolfishly at her lips. 

 

“Your turn, Heda,” Clarke growls before attacking Lexa’s neck causing her girl to moan loudly as tan skin is sucked and ravage. 

 

Yes, it definitely is. 

* * *

Clarke awakes. She reaches over to bring her girlfriend closer to her and instead meets cool sheets, wondering where Lexa has gone. Rubbing sleep from her eyes, wincing slightly, as she sits up. A smile playing on her lips as she remembers how amazing last night with Lexa had been. Lexa’s skill had been surprising as Clarke was reduced to a mess of sensations, that had left her completely blissed out. Her smile widens further as she remembers all the things she did to Lexa in return.

 

Pulling on her sports bra and shorts, she pads quietly into the living room to find Lexa sitting, curled up in her cream cable knit throw in the big cushy armchair in the corner. The window beside her is opened a crack, letting the sounds and cool air in. Lexa’s hands wrapped around a steaming mug, probably green tea, looking contemplative out at the rain soaked world.

 

“Hey, can I join you?” Clarke murmurs coming up behind her girlfriend to wrap her arms around the warm brunette.

 

“Hmm,” Lexa breathes softly leaning her head to the side as Clarke kisses her shoulder, scooching over as Clarke comes to wiggle her way in besides Lexa. Resituating them to position the green eyed girl on her lap, wrapping them both in the soft throw.

 

“Is everything okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Lexa sighs, placing her head on Clarke shoulder, laying a chaste kiss to the blonde’s neck. “I just enjoy looking out the window on raining days, smelling the freshness, and feeling the crispness it brings,” she sips from her mug. “Imaging myself in another world, another life.”

 

Clarke doesn’t comment, knowing Lexa will explain in her own time. “Are you hungry?” Clarke asks peering at Lexa. “I can make pancakes, while you enjoy your view.”

 

“Maybe later,” Lexa says snuggling closer into Clarke.

 

The quiet between them is nice and unhurried. The rain stops just as Clarke’s stomach begins to rumble. Lexa laughs at her as she stands up offering Clarke her hand and together they make their way into the kitchen.

 

“Sandwich?” Lexa asks holding up a loaf of bread.

 

Clarke nods, moving to the fridge to grab out the things to make to make a couple of turkey sandwiches.  By the time they are done, the rain has started up again. Lexa drifts back over to her comfy corner chair, curling up once again under the throw. Clarke quickly makes her way to the bedroom to grab her art history book and one of Lexa’s oversized sweaters, pulling it on as she makes her way back to the chair to sit down on the floor.

 

Every so often Lexa would find a way to touch Clarke, soft and gentle, more reassuring than anything. After, she would sigh and take another sip of her mug, a smile playing in her lips as Clarke would always lean into the touch, humming softly and content.

 

They rest of the day pasts much like this. Clarke reading while Lexa’s stares out the window, gentle touches here and there past between. 

  
Just a quiet Sunday spent together.    


	22. Regrets.

Lexa tells her one-day while they are sitting at the park, watching Arky socialize with other dogs.  The semester is nearing the end and they’ve spent months in each other's arms, sat across from each other at the library, and at events with Indra. Clarke was immersed in her girlfriend. Everything was perfect.

Then Lexa says she’s leaving. It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal, though. They’d already been apart for two weeks before, and they were fine. They could easily do it.

“Indra has asked me to go to Washington with her.” Lexa says, not turning to look at Clarke.

“What? Lexa, that’s amazing!”

Lexa lets herself smile. “Thanks. It is kind of a big deal.”

Clarke turns and places her hand on Lexa’s leg. “Lexa, it’s a huge deal. Indra only ever takes the best with her to Washington. You’re the best.”

Lexa scoffs. “It’s a two week trip.”

Clarke waves her hand in the air. “That’s nothing, Lexa. We’ve done two weeks before.”

“I know, but that was before we…”

“Loved each other?”

“I loved you even then, Clarke.”

Clarke smiles, looking down at the ground as her face heats up.

Lexa gently wraps her hand around Clarke’s jaw and pulls it up so their eyes meet “I love you now, Clarke,” she whispers, “I love you forever.”

Clarke’s eyes burn. A tear breaks free and Lexa instantly wipes it away before leaning in to capture Clarke in a reassuring kiss.

Two weeks.

They could do this.

* * *

Clarke holds Lexa close for too long before she climbs in the car. She wishes them good luck and Indra nods, in that bowing way they do, before getting behind the wheel. Clarke waves at the pair as they drive off and wipes away a heavy tear. Raven waits for her in their car and says nothing before heading to get ice cream to cheer them up. 

The first two days after Lexa leaves, Clarke does everything she can to stay busy. She goes to breakfast with Bellamy and Murphy before classes. She spends extra time in the library trying to catch up in her classes. She calls on Raven, Octavia, Monroe and Harper for a girls’ night. And it’s fun. For a while.

By the third day, though, she’s tired and bored. She has no work to do for Indra and classes are in a lag. (Doesn’t mean she doesn’t have plenty she could do, but nothing she has to do) Her bed seems to have grown in size. The left side is cold from the lack of Lexa’s comforting body heat. She finds herself turning over in the night, seeking the body she loves just to find a cool pillow.

Clarke _ : How’s it going _ ? She texts Lexa on the walk home from school one day. She stares at her phone as she walks, glancing up frequently to be sure she doesn’t run into anything or anyone.

The reply doesn’t come for hours. When it does, Clarke is in the shower, imagining their reunion.

Lexa _ : It’s busy. I’m meeting a lot of senators, though. I swear some of them are dumber than those icy sorority girls. _

Clarke reads the reply as she wraps a towel around her dripping wet body. She laughs, tapping out a response before setting the phone down to brush her teeth.

Clarke:  _ Conservatives? _

Lexa:  _ Yes. And some liberals, too. You should be here, Clarke. You would give these people a piece of your mind. _

Clarke smiles, feeling her eyes heat up at the sentiment.  _ I wish I was there. I miss you. _

Lexa:  _ Miss you too. Love you. _

Clarke falls asleep that night imagining Lexa trying not to throat punch some idiot senator. Her eyes slip shut and she falls into a dim world. Lexa is nowhere to be found and Clarke’s body is instinctively filled with the need to find her. She trudges down a street, feeling as if hands growing from the asphalt below her bare feet grab at her ankles. Fingers wrap around her feet and pull down. The strength betrays her, tugging her down until the bottom half of her legs are stuck under the asphalt. Each step forward is harder than the last and Clarke falls forward. She catches herself with the palm of her hands and cries out in pain. The hands start to grasp her legs, yanking them down. She uses her arms to pull her body forward. Soon, the hands in the street wrap around her arms too. Then her waist. One rather large hand wraps around her head and pushes down. She sucks in a breath before falling below the street, leaving the dimly lit world behind.

She falls. The hands let go of her, giving her no connection to the earth.

She hits the ground and a dull, disconnected pain radiates through her body. She feels herself being picked up and carried away. Suddenly, bright lights stab her eyes and she blinks, staring into them.

She’s met by a familiar face.

Her own.

“Nurse?” She asks.

“Doctor, the patient is a 19-year old female. Identity unknown. Suffering from multiple head wounds and internal bleeding. Scans show…” Clarke, the one lying on the table, strains to hear the rest of the sentence.

‘What’s wrong with me?’ She wants to scream. ‘What do the scans show?’ No words leave her lips, though, and the nurse’s voice is muffled, incoherent and draining. Clarke feels herself start crying.

‘Lexa! Help!’ If she tries hard enough, maybe she will be able to scream, yell, or at least whisper.

But her mouth won’t move.

She turns her attention back to herself, the doctor. “We need to do surgery immediately.” Doctor Clarke says. “Scalpel.” Doctor Clarke is handed a knife and she lowers it to Patient Clarke’s chest. She starts cutting and Patient Clarke fully expects to be overwhelmed with pain, but she feels nothing. A fist comes down and Patient Clarke hears a deafening crunch. That would be her sternum breaking. “I will… uhm…” Doctor Clarke stutters.

Patient Clarke’s eyes widen. ‘Don’t you know what you’re doing?’

“I guess I’ll just remove this.” Doctor Clarke reaches into Patient Clarke’s body with gloveless hands. Patient Clarke feels her insides squirm, like pressure, as if someone was slowly dropping a weight on her chest. Doctor Clarke finally finds what she’s looking for and pulls it out of Patient Clarke.

Her heart.

Bright red and still beating.

“Yep! That outta do it. Alright team, we are done here.” Doctor Clarke drops the heart on the floor and turns to leave the room.

“What?” Patient Clarke screams. Her voice has returned. She glances down and sees her insides exposed to the dirty air around her. “I need that! Come back! Wait! Please!” Tears spill out of her eyes and she reaches down for the now still heart.  She extends her fingers, gasping through tears, but the heart is just out of reach. “Help…” She whispers.

Clarke gasps and jumps, shooting up in bed. Her hands fly to her chest, finding it in tack and not cut open, though her heart beating erratically. She takes a comforting breath. Her warm eyes are still filling with tears and she pushes the palm of her hands against them, rubbing the salty liquid away. She lowers one hand to her heart, feeling for the gentle thumps. When they come, she closes her eyes and lays down, sucking in air, counting to ten, and letting it out.

It was just a dream. A bad one.

Just a nightmare.

* * *

“So, Clarke, what are your goals for next semester?” The advisor asks, pulling up Clarke’s transcript. “It seems you’ve really focused on your political science minor during your freshman year. It’s not unlikely for students to come to college with an idea of what they want to do to find that they enjoy something else more.”

“Oh…” Clarke says, biting her lip in apprehension. “I guess I have focused on the minor a lot but my primary goal is still med school.”

The advisor smiles. “That’s fine! I would suggest focusing more on your science courses next semester, then. It’s totally up to you, but most of your peers will have finished some of these courses.”

Clarke nods. “Are you saying I shouldn’t take any political science classes next semester?”

“Not at all!” The advisor pulls up a list of possible fall classes and begins highlighting the ones she suggests Clarke should take next. “But perhaps only take one. This last semester you only took one science class,”  _ and I made a B _ , Clarke thinks bitterly, “which is fine, but your course load is substantial.”

“Okay.” Clarke mutters.

“Also, keep in mind that while med schools look at your grades and outside work, they care more about those that pertain to your medical degree. For example, your internship with Indra Porter is great, but volunteering at a hospital will look better to potential med schools. And your grades are very good, but med schools don't care about what you got in International Studies as much as they’ll care about your Chemistry grade.”

Clarke feels her heart quicken and her face grow hot with shame. “Yeah, okay.” She says quietly, looking at her hands curled in her lap. “Do you think I should quit Indra’s internship?”

“Not if you don’t want to. Who knows, you may still decide pursuing political science is more important to you, and this internship is a big deal. But, I would make sure you have enough time in your schedule for some medical volunteering.” Clarke nods in understanding. “You also need one more elective. Most students seem to enjoy…” Clarke zones out, nodding along when it’s appropriate. She points out the classes that interest her and smile when her advisor does.

Her mind has clocked out of the meeting, though.

She’s made an A in every political science course she’s taken. However, she’s made two B’s in her science classes.

None of her science professors know her name.

Her volunteer hours don’t exist.

If she were to apply to a medical school now, they would laugh at her.

_ You’re not a doctor, Clarke Griffin. _

Her throat constricts and she blinks back tears.

She feels like she’s reaching into her own chest again, completely unaware of what to do next.

_ Just grab the heart, Clarke. You don’t need it. _

_ It just betrays you. _

Clarke leaves the meeting with a list of potential courses, resources and a fresh wave of anxiety.

Aren’t your advisors supposed to calm you down? Help you?

Not make you feel like a failure with no future in what you thought you wanted.

“I’ll run with you, Lexa. Until we reach the finish line.”

What if they weren’t running towards the same finish line? What if they were running different races?

What then?

* * *

She threw away her progress three times before finally deciding it was good enough to be edited. She prints out the paper and drops it on her desk, the back of her neck sweating. She pulls the chair out and drops, hearing the reverberating crack shoot through the room from the force. 

Her eyes burn when she sits, pulling a red pen out of her bag to begin the editing process. 

_ “Professor Indra Porter,  _

_ I regret to inform you that…” _

Clarke clicks her tongue in thought. Does she regret to inform her? Or does she regret that she has to inform her?

Or does she regret there is something to inform her of at all?

_ “...I will not be continuing the internship with your firm through the summer or in the following semester.”  _ Or after that. Or after that. Or after that.  _ “Though I have greatly appreciated the opportunity you have presented me with, I must pursue other work in the following semester.”  _ Clarke groans and crosses out ‘following’ and replaces it with ‘ensuing’. 

“Gotta sound professional and shit,” she mutters to herself. 

_ “I have learned so much while working for you,”  _ including the fact that your right hand is really good with her tongue,  _ “and the time has been significant in my growth as a student, human, and politician. I thank you for the opportunity.” _

Clarke goes on reading the resignation letter, angrily crossing out words and replacing others. She makes small notes like ‘add more thanks here’ or ‘point out something specific about the internship’. 

An hour later, she groans and pushes her hands through her tangled hair, tugging hard in frustration. 

_ “If you had never seen me and I had never me Lexa maybe I wouldn’t have to do this and I would actually be on track right now. Maybe I wouldn’t be a hopeless, love-struck failure.”  _ Clarke rights out in long, messy cursive letters. She stabs the paper at the end, creating a large hole as the period, before scratching it out again. 

“Get ahold of yourself, Griffin,” she whispers. 

She hears the front door open then. She throws open her door and sighs in relief at her best friends face. “Thank god you’re home.”

“Hello to you, too,” Raven laughs. “What’s up, grumpy?” She tosses her bag into her room and walks up to Clarke. 

“I’m writing my resignation letter to Indra.”

Ravens face falls. “Oh… I’m sorry. How’s that going?”

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Just fantastic.”

“Here,” Raven pushes past Clarke and her eyes widen at the mess she finds in the small room. “This may take a bit more work than I thought.”

“I have it written,” Clarke picks up the muddled paper and passes it over to her friend. Raven accepts it and takes a few minutes to scan. 

“Clarke, why are you really resigning?” She asks after reading. 

Clarke feels her hands tense with anger. That doesn’t matter. What matters is if the letter is good enough. “I don’t know.”

“You’ve loved this internship, Clarke. You wouldn’t be resigning if you didn’t have a reason.”

Clarke’s eyes start to fill with angry tears and she pushes them away. “I need to focus on pre-med. I’ve made poor grades in my science courses, I haven’t been as focused on my studies as I should be, and my time outside of school is sucked away by either Indra or Lexa.” she takes a deep breath after finishing the mini-rant and falls onto her bed. 

Raven nods. “You think quitting the internship will help that problem?”

Clarke shrugs. “It will free up a lot of time.”

“Do you really trust you’ll use that free time to bring your grades up or do more volunteering?”

“I have to if I still want a future in medicine.”

“True, but that’s not what I asked.” 

Clarke sits up and meets Ravens eyes. 

“What I asked is, do you think you will use that time well? Is the problem this internship, or is it your time management? Your priorities?” Clarke narrows her eyes and Raven holds her hands up in surrender. “I’m just saying because I care about you, Clarke.”

Clarke swallows and looks down at her feet. “Yeah. I know I’ve been shit with my priorities. But I still need to do this. I can’t give myself to a life I don’t want.”

“Just be careful about what that means, Clarke.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nevermind. Now come on, we have to fix this shit letter.” Raven laughs when Clarke gently punches her shoulder. 

* * *

Lexa wraps strong arms around Clarke’s shoulders and their scents mix together, heartbeats fall back into a familiar rhythm. Lexa smiles into the hug and pulls Clarke in closer. At the movement, Clarke’s heart stalls and she pulls away, causing Lexa to tip her head in question. 

Clarke just smiles and leans in to catch Lexa’s lips in a small, short kiss. 

“I missed you so much, Clarke.”

Clarke nods and looks down, “I missed you, too,” she whispers.

“How are you?” Lexa pulls away and grabs Clarke’s hand, following her to the car.

“Fine. But what about you? Tell me all about the trip!”

Lexa does. She talks the entire ride back to her apartment, gesturing while reliving stories. She describes one of the North Dakota senators as if he were her own father, bright admiration sparkling in her eyes. When they reach Lexa’s apartment, Lexa steps out of the car and waits for Clarke. 

“Hey, babe. Aren’t you going to come up? I have some cool pictures to show you from Indra and I’s tour of the capital.”

Clarke sighs, “I wish I could, but I actually have to go.”

Lexa frowns and climbs back in the car. “Is everything okay?”

Clarke nods, painting on a smile. “Of course. I just have a meeting with a teacher that couldn’t be rescheduled.” Anxiety fills the car and in an attempt to blow it away, Clarke pulls Lexa in for a kiss that neither of them are fully invested in. “I’ll see you soon, though. I love you.”

Lexa doesn’t smile but she also doesn’t investigate further. “I love you too.”

“Get some rest.” Clarke says as Lexa gets out of the car once again and closes the door behind her. 

Clarke’s tears are bitter as she drives home.  


	23. Work Trip. Not Vacation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys. I'm so sorry I went MIA for a couple of days. I had surgery recently and the recovery has been harder than I was hoping for. I'm going to try to pick up the pace, but if the next chapter or two take a couple days, it's because of the surgery recovery.

Lexa watches Clarke out the back window until she’s nothing but a small dot. Only then does she turn around to face forward. Indra sits quietly, hands gripping the steering wheel. Lexa sucks in a deep breath and pulls a book out of her backpack.

“When were you going to tell me?” Indra asks, breaking the long silence.

Lexa closes her book. “What?”

“About you and Griffin.”

Lexa’s heart speeds up. “Oh…”

“I don’t care, Lexa. As long as it doesn’t get in the way of your career. Or hers.”

“Of course not. That comes first. Every time.”

Indra nods. “Good,” Lexa let’s out a sigh of relief, “I hope you brought headphones because I’m listening to an audio book.”

Lexa nods. “Got it.” She pulls out her headphones and texts out a quick message to Clarke.

_I miss you already._

She drops her phone in the cup holder and pulls her legs onto the chair, crossing them before re-opening her book.

In only a couple of weeks, Lexa will have known Clarke for an entire school year. Dozens of weeks filled with stolen glances, inappropriate dreams, secret kisses, nights of cuddling and morning fucks.

Add in a couple ‘I love you’s and Lexa’s life is romance novel she thought she’d never get to live again.

Except this time she has hope for a happy ending.

The drive is long. Lexa allows herself to drift off, head bouncing against the window. She wakes when Indra pulls into a gas station. Sighing, Lexa pushes open the door and climbs out, moving to the driver’s seat while Indra fills up the car. She drives the remainder of the trip while Indra sleeps next to her, occasionally muttering in her sleep as if bothered by a bad dream.

The hotel rooms they have are nice, each with a queen sized bed and a large TV. Lexa instantly orders a pizza when they arrive at midnight and she turns on a movie, sitting at the edge of her bed with her legs crossed.

Her eyes don’t start drooping until 3 AM, after almost two movies and an eating an entire pizza.

They don’t have to be anywhere until the next night, so Lexa takes the opportunity to sleep in, not waking until Indra calls her room at noon the next day, asking if she wants to join her for lunch. Lexa agrees and rummages through her bag for casual clothes. She decides on ripped black jeans and a light sweater that actually belongs to Clarke.

She takes a picture after pulling it on and sends it to Clarke with an attached, _still smells like you._

She receives, _looks better on you,_ in response.

Lexa keeps a steady conversation going with Clarke for the first couple of days. Indra rolls her eyes when Lexa immediately pulls her phone out during breaks or after a long day. She mutters “love drunk idiots” when looking at a dopey eyed, smiling Lexa one day, causing Lexa’s cheeks to heat up.

Their conversation doesn’t halt until midway through the week when Lexa’s phone rings and it’s surprisingly not Clarke on the other end.

“Hey, Lin?” Lexa asks in a questioning and nervous tone.

_“Uh… Lex. Hey, baby sis.”_ His voice shakes, making the fear in his voice clear. 

Lexa furrows her eyebrows. “What’s going on?”

_“Why do you assume something is going on?”_ He forces a small, obviously fake, laugh. Lexa doesn’t reply. She closes the door behind her and steps out onto the street, leaving the lunch meeting behind her. _“Right. Okay… bad news.”_

“Spit it out.” Lexa rolls her eyes impatiently and kicks at a rock on the dirty street.

Lin takes a steadying breath that does nothing to calm his shaking voice as he responds. _“It’s dad.”_

Immediately dozens of scenarios flash across Lexa’s eyes. He’s died, killed by another inmate. New evidence was found. He’s being relocated. More time has been added onto his sentence.

_“He’s been released.”_

The scenarios freeze. They’re blown back, thrown to the far corners of Lexa’s mind. In their place, inky black pits of fear crowd Lexa’s vision.

She takes a step back, before slumping over. She finds it and rests against the cool brick. She takes in a breath, feeling the ink escape her mind and drip over her head, over her burning eyes, traveling down her cheeks like streams of tears. The ink fills her mouth, her nose, dripping off her face and traveling like rivers down her chest and along her waist. I stings her shaky legs and forms a puddle under her feet, rooting her into her place. 

_“Lex? Did you hear me?”_ Her brother’s voice shocks her, scaring off the black fear and causing Lexa to jump. Her elbow drags along the wall and leaves a deep, angry scrape, causing her to hiss in pain.

“Ah…” She rubs the back of her head and nods, “yeah. Released.”

_“Three years early. On good behavior.”_ Lexa shakes her head in disbelief and lets her eyes slide closed as her head falls forward. 

“Yeah… uhm… what does that mean, exactly?”

_“He’s free, Lexa. Completely. And he wants to see us.”_

Lexa’s eyes snap open. “What?” She practically screams the word and dozens of people around her jerk their heads in her direction. She turns her back on them and feels her breathing quickly. “How do you know that?” She asks, quieter this time.

_“He called me. He’s been out a few days, apparently. Has a motel room he’s staying at. He said he’s grown a lot and wants to make amends.”_

“What did you say?”

_“I told him I had to think about it. That I wo-“_

“What? Lin! Why would you say that? Why are you actually considering going to speak to that monster? Uh-uh. No way. I’m not ever looking at his smug, arrogant, hideous face again,” she hisses, feeling her eyes grow hotter with every word.

_“Hey. Take a breath. This is our dad we are talking about.”_

“He’s not my father.”

“ _Lexa…”_

“No, Lin. If you want to see that… low life, then go ahead. I won’t stop you. But I will have nothing to do with it.”

_“You’re not even going to give him a chance?”_

“He’s a fucking murderer, Lin!”

Lexa hears her brother sigh on the other end of the phone.

Her hands are shaking. Sweat drips down the side of her face, despite the cool temperatures. Her legs feel numb. She can’t get full breaths.

_“He’s not a murderer. You know that.”_

“Fine. Go see him. But don’t expect to speak to me after.” Lexa pulls the phone away from her ear and with a quivering hand, she ends the call. She grips the phone tight, hushing every small voice in her head that’s telling her to throw it as hard as she can.

Instead, she calls the first number on speed dial.

_“You have reached Clarke Griffin. I’m sorry I missed your call, I promise I’m not avoiding you.”_ Clarke’s recorded voice laughs slightly before continuing, _“Please leave a message and I will call you back as soon as possible.”_

Lexa does throw the phone then.

It hits another building and shatters, shocking a few pedestrians.

Lexa collapses. She leans against the restaurant wall as sobs rack her body.

* * *

Lexa makes it about 18 hours trying desperately to pretend everything is okay before Indra sighs and brings the subject up. 

The duo are standing in line, picking coffee up from the closest coffee shop, when Indra rolls her eyes. Lexa had just pulled her phone out of her pocket again, desperately refreshing her page, hoping for a text from Clarke. 

“Woods, where is your head?”

Lexa quickly buries her phone, letting it disappear in a sticky black mess along with her fears and thoughts that had been sluggishly following her around since the prior night. “What? Here. What do you mean?” She stammers. 

Indra steps forward and rattles off their order before walking to the side with Lexa in tow. “You’ve been somewhere else. Something’s going on and you either need to figure it out or leave.”

Lexa gapes at her, guilt dripping down her fingertips. 

“I don’t know who was on the phone last night, but right now you need to ignore that.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Indra nods. They grab their coffee and start to walk out. 

“Woods.” Indra calls, causing Lexa to stop short and turn to face her. “You must know you can talk to me. After work hours. I care about you, Woods. I’m here.”

Lexa pushes her lips into a tight line and nods quickly. “Of course, thank you.”

“Alright,” Indra starts walking again and Lexa spends the day trying to wipe off the inky fear that needs Clarke’s voice to clear. 

* * *

For the first time in over a week, Lexa feels at peace.

It’s Clarke’s arms around her that do it. Clarke’s beating heart. Clarke’s warm hands. Clarke’s reassuring smell.

The peace is chased away as soon as it arrived when Clarke answers everything with one word. Clarke doesn’t smile at Lexa, she doesn’t look at her.

Lexa feels her chest constricting. She feels the tears she thought had dried up threaten to return.

Clarke goes home rather than coming inside with Lexa.

Clarke probably had a bad day. That’s it. That has to be it. 

Lexa screams. Lexa cries. Lexa passes out earl, curled up on an old, broken chair, hoping everything would be okay, would be normal tomorrow. Hoping she would be safe once again. 

But it doesn’t.

Lexa doesn’t see Clarke for days. She barely gets responses to her texts.

It’s when she receives a copy of Clarke’s resignation that she can’t take it anymore.

Honesty. Vulnerability.

Lexa was actually planning on telling Clarke about her dad. About her childhood.

She trusted someone so much she was going to confide in them about the biggest heartbreak of her life.

She trusted someone who didn’t actually care about her.

Lexa stops running.

The race around her morphs into bars, into a tight cage.

The other runners turn to face her.

Each one with a face of abandonment.

Her dad. Her mom. Costia.

Clarke. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Until then, I'd love to talk to you guys on tumblr @authoraesthetic.   
> I will also be posting updates and perhaps sneak peeks @freakingclexa.   
> Also, I am accepting short story prompts and ideas for my next long fic! (did I hear someone say WayHaught?)


	24. Pain

Directly after her breakup, life had been exceptionally hard. Countless, sleepless nights that left her drowning in tears followed by dull, numb days filled with harsh voices and constant reminders from when she was happy. She didn’t realize how much of her joy, her love and identity, was wrapped up in that relationship. Not until that joy had been ripped away from her.

Weeks after the breakup, she realized she had been smiling more. Spending days with her friends without once thinking about who she had lost. She had a future she could think about again. And a present that she could relish and enjoy. She stole her joy back and found her identity in herself, not a relationship. Her friends never left her side during the bad days and they were still there for the good days.

She remembers those days, the good and the bad. She remembers her best friend being by her side during it all.

So when her best friend was going through the same thing, Raven was sure to be by her side from the beginning. She noticed Clarke’s mood start to drop while Lexa was away.

After Clarke finally wrote her resignation letter, she ended up on the floor of her room, crying. Raven sat next to her, listening to every word and passing over tissues as needed.

“I love her, Raven. So much. She’s my everything. And that’s the problem. All I care about is Lexa. Loving her. Needing her to love me. It’s all I’ve cared about since I got here. Wanting her when I couldn’t have her. Finally getting her but wanting more. Finally having all of her and immersing myself in her. Yeah, sure, I still cared about work and school but only the work and school that had to do with Lexa. It’s all Lexa, Raven. I love her but…” She wasn’t able to finish for a while. Knowing what she had to say, had to do, what came next: ‘but I have to focus on myself and my future and Lexa is coming in the way of that’, knowing what she had to say and do left her a shell of fear, sorrow and tears.

Raven pulled her out of her bed two days later to bake cookies and have a roommate movie night. After that, Clarke perked up slightly. She spoke to Raven with animated gestures and smiles. She worked diligently on her school work and took Arky for daily walks. It warmed Raven’s heart to watch her best friend push through the fear.

But then Lexa came back. And the reality of what had to happen hit Clarke like a brick, knocking the breath from her lungs.

She was isolated, quiet, and alone for a week after Lexa’s return, leaving Raven to answer Lexa’s frantic phone calls and to turn the girl away when she showed up at their door, searching for Clarke.

Finally, Clarke picked herself up. Raven watched her leave to meet Lexa and was there when she returned.

Clarke dropped her bag down, shut the door, looked up at Raven, and let go.

Raven held her tight while Clarke cried for hours that night.

Directly after the breakup, Clarke was surprisingly upbeat and productive. Raven watched her every minute of every day, ready to pick up broken pieces and put her back together. But Clarke never let a tear fall. She did school, played with Arky, spent plenty of time with Raven and all their friends, and attended parties and events. She brushed off any question of Lexa and never let her smile falter.

The only hint of pain was the amount of alcohol she consumed, not just at parties but home alone as well. She always had an excuse or a reason but Raven knew it was to dull the growing pain that was eating her alive.

It was actually a relief when Raven came home to Clarke crying in the living room, staring at a picture of Lexa, shaking on the couch.

She was a mess for hours that night before she exhausted herself to sleep.

Raven was there for her, because she remembered her own pain when Finn broke up with her. But she wished every night that the easier days would come. The weeks flew by and Raven prayed for Clarke’s happiness to return.

Soon they were taking finals and packing up their stuff, catching a plane, and going home for the summer and Clarke was smiling.

Raven just didn’t know what kind of smile it was. She forgot what a genuine one looked like. 

* * *

“Clarke.”

“Lexa.” Clarke answers. Hearing her name spoken with such fear punches her in the heart. Seeing Lexa look so wrecked, mainly in the eyes and shaky voice. She folds her hands on the table with the sense of royalty that she carries, but Clarke notices the shake in her hand before founded and the quiver of her lip before she bites it. It sends shocks of agony through Clarke’s body. “How’ve you been?”

“Fine.” Lexa’s voice has hardened in the short time between their greeting to now. The initial fear has been replaced by low, rough, controlled anger. It was no longer familiar.

Suddenly, the still water that Clarke had come to know and love reaches a rocky fall and Clarke is clawing for the surface again. She had forgotten what it felt like to not be able to breathe, to be stuck in Lexa’s voice and feel lost, swept away with no footing and no control. As the river roared on, Clarke slammed into rocks and she knew when she finally got out of this she would be broken, covered in cuts and bruises.

Clarke flailed, reaching for the edge or something to hold onto and finding nothing.

Her eyes burned and her throat constricted. She swallowed.

“I’m sorry I’ve been MIA this past week.” Clarke says. Lexa had returned from her trip and Clarke knew what she had to do but she couldn’t do it, so instead she disappeared, left Lexa confused and wondering what she did wrong.

Now was the time though. They were finally meeting and Clarke would say it.

“It was unfair and you didn’t deserve that,” Clarke continued, “I was scared and selfish and didn’t know what to say so I ran and I’m so sorry.”

Lexa just nodded, urging Clarke on.

“While you were gone I realized something.” Clarke looked down at the table they were sitting at and closed her eyes, gathering her thoughts before continuing. “I love you so much, Lexa. So much I threw my everything into this relationship and forgot about everything else. From the beginning, when you were just my teacher and I was… just another student I’ve been… in love with everything about you. I forgot about why I came here and who I am. I forgot about my goals and dreams and instead all I cared about was you. None of this is your fault, of course, but I have to…” Clarke hiccupped and paused, feeling her eyes burn and her throat close up. “I have to be true to myself and my goals. And right now… this is distracting me, taking all my focus.” Clarke falters and a tear falls. She pushes it away and takes a breath. She says the next sentence without taking a breath. “Because of my own failure I have to walk away from this relationship, Lexa I’m so sorry.” She stops and looks up at Lexa’s hard, emotionless face.

She blinks and nods. “I understand, Clarke. I wish you the best.” She stands at that and Clarke follows.

“Lexa!” Clarke reaches out and grabs Lexa’s arm, causing her to turn and face Clarke.

“I’m sorry, Clarke. I have to go.” Lexa pulls her arm out of Clarke’s grip and walks away, leaving Clarke standing in her own shame.

Clarke goes home with dry eyes and a silent mind. Her hands are numb and her heart thumps slowly.

She falls into Raven’s arms and the tears come.

* * *

The plane ride home is the perfect amount of time for Clarke to try and fail to sleep, leaving her with silence to wallow in.

She can’t think about the past, about the hell of an end to a semester. She can’t think about the drunken nights where she found fake joy only to be reminded the next morning of the deafening pain she now lives in. She can’t think about the fact that she finally got what she wanted, better grades and time with her friends. She can’t think about the shortest and hardest conversation of her life that left her with a hollowed out chest and the future she wanted so badly that she ended the best thing in her life for it.

_ It’s for the best. _

_It’s what you needed to do._

_You made the right decision._

She can’t think about any of that, so instead she thinks about what is to come.

Her parents. She actually smiles at the thought of her dad waiting for her at the airport, a fake sign in his hand and a huge smile on his face. They wouldn’t ask about Lexa at all the drive home, knowing that Clarke will bring it up on her own time. Her mom would have her favorite food cooked and ready to be eaten at home and her dad would bond with Arky instantly. They would do everything they could to make being home amazing. And Clarke would appreciate every effort.

Her friends. Yeah, most of them go to school with her, but there are those who don’t who would be in town this summer as well. They would stay up late sharing stories and eating stale chips. They would laugh until their abs hurt and probably end up TPing someone’s house again like they did when they were kids.

Her internship at the local hospital. Her mom got her the job and Clarke was thankful. She could think of her days that would be filled with helping patients and filing away documents. The experience she will gain is much needed and her resume will be forever grateful for the summer job.

Rest. From school. From late parties. From buying groceries. From Lexa. From the breakup.

Maybe, after this summer, Clarke would start to see hope again. Maybe, after this summer, she would start to feel joy again. Maybe, after this summer, Clarke will find love again.            

Maybe. 


	25. Summer Heat

It’s never easy. Losing something. It’s always frustrating. It’s confusing. It doesn’t make sense. When did you lose it? Why did you lose it? Where is it?

            It’s never easy.

            Losing someone.

            Lexa knows this. Knows this well. She’s dealt with loss her entire life. From the moment her mother died. To the day Clarke said goodbye.

            It’s not easy. It won’t be easy. It shouldn’t be easy.

            But it is not the end.

            Lexa walked out of that coffee shop with dry eyes and a steady hand. She was not sad. Not yet. No. There was no room for sadness.

            She was too filled with anger.

            “ _I love you so much, Lexa._ ” Lexa heard the words shouting in her head. She could not quiet them. She always believed that your thoughts were always the same volume, after all, you cannot think in whispers.

But you can remember in screams.

Lexa went home that day, opened her drawer in her bedside table, and pulled out the most recent letter from Clarke.

 _“My Heda,”_ Lexa reads with a straight face, “ _I’m so thankful for you and all that you are. I admire your strength and courage. I’ve never seen a drive like the one you have to do what is right. Everything about you I love. From your bright green eyes to the way you smile ever so slightly after we kiss,”_ Lexa drops the letter, not wanting to finish reading the love-filled words.

She grabbed a red marker and wrote over Clarke’s words.

‘ _I love you so much, Lexa. I have to walk away from this relationship, Lexa. I’m so sorry._ ’ she writes, even smiling at the steadiness of her hand while she did. The letters were perfectly crafted. It looked gorgeous.

She calmly walked into her living room, lit a candle, and held the card over the flame.

It started burning from the corner. It got the word ‘sorry’ first. Then that entire sentence.  Soon all that was left were ashes.

Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Pain burned away. Anger sizzling in the small, still lightly burning ashes. The wound screaming. It would scab, the ashes would be blown away.

It was never easy, but it was not the end. It was not her end. And she would not let it.

Last time she lost she let it be the end. She let herself stop running, exit the race.

This time she would run harder than ever before.

“Your fight is over,” she whispers to the shriveling ashes that fall apart piece by piece. She whispers to her pain. She whispers to love.

She stands and leaves the ashes, curling like blackened dust in the air, behind.

* * *

_“It wasn’t your fault.”_

_“I’m so sorry.”_

_“You didn’t deserve that.”_

_“Clarke is a bitch.”_

Lexa hears it all in every possible variation. She doesn’t let the speaker close their mouth before she responds.

“There is no fault. Don’t be sorry. This is just a reminder to never stop fighting.”

“Clarke is human. Clarke is lovely. Clarke is smart. Clarke is doing what she thinks is right.”

What she never says is, _Clarke was wrong._

_Clarke hurt me._

_I’m hurt._

She doesn’t even let herself think it. She doesn’t have time to be hurt. She doesn’t have time to entertain her friend’s condolences to yet another loss in her life.

Loss is evident.

Losing yourself because of that loss is a choice.

A choice she will not make.

* * *

It was the beginning of July when Lexa received the unexpected knock on her door. She had been sitting on her couch, legs crossed, tea steaming, candle lit, when she heard it. She furrowed her eyebrows, trying to remember if Anya was scheduled to come by or not.

When she answers the door her heart drops.

Less so drops then hardened.

“No.” She starts to close the door but it’s stopped by the palm of a hand. Rolling her eyes, She rips the door open and steps to the side. “Fine. Come in. Get it over with. And then leave.”

“Lexa…”

“I didn’t want to see you. Ever.”

He sighs and does not cross the threshold. Waiting for more permission, maybe? Lexa doesn’t care what it is.

She steps away from the door and back into her apartment. He does not follow. “Either come in or leave and don’t come back.”

He comes in.

Lexa doesn’t sit. She goes to stands by the balcony door, watching him awkwardly follow her before stopping next to the couch, shifting from foot to foot.

She raises her eyebrow. “Well, are you going to speak or just stand there like the coward you are?”

“Lexa… honey-”

“ _Don’t_ call me that.” She seethes, teeth bared and back tense.

“I’m your father.”

“I don’t have a father.”

“Baby…”

“Is this all? Pet names and puppy eyes? I thought you were supposed to be some strong, demanding _man_ ,” Lexa spits at his feet. It lands on his torn sneakers. “You’re nothing more than a coward and a murderer.”

He widens his eyes at that. “I’ve never killed anyone, Lex!”

            Her heart blazes, flames licking every corner of the room, sending white heat down her spine, giving her the energy and desire to stride up to him, standing tall and looking up, stretching her neck so her face is just barely below his. “You killed my mom.” She says, her voice low and boiling with white-hot anger.

            He steps back, pushed by her words. His eyes start to water.

            Pathetic.

            He whimpers, “no… no I never wanted that to happen I loved her Lexa I loved her I would never hurt her.” His words run together as Lexa begins to circle him like a vulture circles the dead, waiting to tear apart the rotting corpse.

            “What about the hundreds who lost their lives because of your… extracurricular activities. What about my father? You killed my father, the man I knew. The man he was. You are not him. He’s gone. You’re a murder. A liar. Weak. A monster who took a knife to my parents throat and I will not have you in my home. Get out now or I call the cops.”

            He’s crying. Somewhere around ‘liar’ he had let the tears loose. Lexa felt the fire reach the ceiling, heating up her fingers, shining in her eyes, burning everything she looked at.                 And she didn’t move her intense gaze from the man’s head.

            He was wiping at the tears, still saying something about forgiveness and ‘I’m sorry, Lexa. I love you.’

            It’s never easy. Losing someone you used to love.

            It’s worse when a body that holds a resemblance to them is bubbling in front of you, reminding you of all that you have lost.

            Lexa turns her back on him and grabs her phone, quickly dialing 911.

            “No!” The man who used to be her father yelled. Lexa turned around and saw him staring at her with red, desperate eyes.

            “Leave.” She says.

            _“911, what’s your emergency?”_

Lexa stays silent. She holds his gaze. Hundreds of words and feelings pass through his eyes and she feels the fire start to blow out. She blinks, pushes her lips into a line.

            _“Hello? What’s your emergency.”_

            He sighs. Nods. Walks to the front door.

            Lexa watches until the door is pulled shut.

            “I’m sorry. False alarm. I thought there was an intruder in my home.” She hangs up the phone, falls to the ground, and cries for the first time in two months.

* * *

            Peace had become a foreign feeling to her. It was something they talked about in books. It’s what the characters felt at the end of a rom-com, when everything was happy again and the guy got the girl. It’s what they preach about. It’s what students feel after acing a difficult text.

            Peace. Hope. Foreign concepts.

            So when she woke up one day in August, a Tuesday before she had to go into work, and felt a calm ocean that had replaced the fire inside her, she was worried that she was dying.

            They say it gets easier. But it still wasn’t easy.

            Every movement she made caused a small wave. _Peace_ was terrifying.

            And yet she embraced it.

            The cool water was refreshing on her burns.

            Lexa went to work and to get drinks with her friends after. She watched a movie with Anya. She lived her life and felt the ocean soothe her with every step.

            The fire would return, she knew. And she would not be disappointed. She was accustomed to it. The ocean was refreshing, yes, but the fire was who she is. The ocean was just an occasional break.

            It came and went. Like the tide.

            Peace was no longer foreign, but was still not understood.

            She was unsure if she would ever completely understand the ideology behind living a peaceful life.

            If you do not live in a peaceful world, then why should you live a peaceful life?

            Anya tried setting her up once. Lexa refused. Maybe she would find another runner one day to run next to, but for now she would run solo.

            At least that way she could run as fast as she wanted without worrying about the well-being of her companion.

            Every day Lexa let herself be submerged in the calming ocean for a relief from the burning fire. If just one dip a day, that would be enough.

            Then, school began again. She started teaching again. It was okay, she did not see her students as anything more then that, students. She did not worry about her race, she was still running, still winning.

            She helped Indra scan for new recruits and did not let the relationships be anything more than professional. She drank with Anya and the others. She even found herself laughing, smiling.

            Then, one day, she looked up and came face to face with bright blue eyes and felt the ocean drain in favor of a roaring fire that Lexa was sure would burn the entire world to the ground.

            * * *

            Sometimes you have options. You either go to the party with all your friends or you stay home with all your cookies. You usually choose the cookie. Unless you’re feeling extra social, then party it is! But most of the time you regret the decision you made.

You go out to the party and slowly drain as the hour drags on. People you don’t like try and talk to you, the food is gross, and someone already drank the vodka so you’re stuck with mixed drinks. The hosts don’t even have a dog so you have to socialize and all you can think about is “Game of Thrones” and you wish you hadn’t worn a skirt.

Seriously, what were you thinking, a skirt? Idiotic.

You stay home, and at first you’re really comfortable under your blanket, sitting on your couch with your tea. But then you realize you want to make the tea Irish but it’s frowned upon to do that alone in your own house. You also want someone to talk to. And fucking snapchat is blowing up with pictures of your friends having apparently the best time of their life. You’re going to hear about everything you missed for the rest of yours.

But at least you have your favorite character on “Game of-“ shit nope. Never mind.

Either way, you’re given options, a decision to make, and there’s no way to know for sure if you’ve made the right decision until you’ve made it. In the heat of the moment, when you were given the choices and forced to make the decision, you panicked and just said one, but later, when you have time to think clearly but it’s too late and you’re stuck watching snapchats, you realize you suck at decision making.

You did it, decided. And now you’re stuck with the consequences. Get used to it. Adapt.

“Get off the fucking couch and stop crying.” Clarke blinked away the thoughts and looked up, making eye contact with Octavia. “It’s been two months. I get it sucks but you have to move on. Wasn’t that the whole point of the break up? To move forward in your own direction, not Lexa’s?”

Clarke’s eyes burn at the name and she just turns onto her back and rests the back of her hand on her forehead. “Yeah,” she whispers.

“Well then get up and start moving forward. You can’t do that if you’re wallowing in the past.”

“Octavia…”

Octavia sighs and sits on the couch next to Clarke. “Before you were together all you could talk about or think about was your inappropriate unrequited crush. Then, suddenly, it was requited and you were together. Then your life revolved around Lexa. You’re dreams of the future. Your schooling. Your love. All you were. You realized this and ended it. Now it’s over and you’re still stuck in the past, stuck on Lexa. You _have_ to make the conscious decision to move forward, however much it hurts. That was the point, Clarke. There was a reason you broke up with her. I know you, Clarke. You’re regretting everything and you’re telling yourself why you made the wrong choice but I promise there was a reason, a good one, and you have to remind yourself what it was and move forward. You have to.”

The sit in silence after Octavia’s monologue ended. Clarke stared up at the ceiling and Octavia watched her, waiting for any sign that Clarke heard what she was saying.

 _“You have to”_ Octavia says. Clarke scowls. She doesn’t have to do anything.

But she does, doesn’t she? She should. She needs to, for her own good. To save herself. Who she is now, who she’s been, is not honest. It’s pain. It’s regret.

And Clarke doesn’t let those things control. Or at least she didn’t use to.

And she won’t anymore.

Clarke moves. She sits up and climbs off the couch. “Thank you, O.”

Octavia smiles. “Anytime.”

* * *

It still hurt. That pain didn’t suddenly go away. She still cried every once in awhile.

But at least now she wiped away the tears after and put on her game face.

The first half of the summer didn’t go as planned for Clarke. She threw herself into work, getting her the attention of her bosses and the respect of her fellow workers, but beyond that she wasn’t _Clarke._ She was broken, a pile of tears. She only left her house for work and she spent all her remaining energy inside those hospital walls.

She almost texted and called Lexa too many times, until Raven stole her phone and deleted the number.

She also drank. Too much. Too often.

Then she remembered who she was.

She was reminded, by the people around her, who she wanted to be. Who she is. Why she did what she did.

She took a deep breath, summoned all her power and energy, all her desire for her future and to be the best she could be, and picked herself up, shook it off, threw away the bottle, and walked out of the house.

There were moments of weakness, but Clarke never suffered alone.

Raven told her once that she never worried. The weeks would pass and Clarke wasn’t Clarke but Raven knew Clarke would return. She always did.

“I thought it was going to be better on the plane ride home. You were smiling and laughing. I had hope. But I had forgotten what your genuine smile looked like.”

“I forgot what my genuine smile felt like.”

“I remember now.” Raven said, looking at her best friend with fondness, causing Clarke to smile. Genuinely.

“I do too.” Clarke moved her coffee cup to her lips and took another sip. Raven changed the subject then, something Clarke was thankful for because despite the actual, real smile, her eyes were still burning.

The left the coffee shop after that to pick up Octavia before heading to the mall. They ran into expensive stores and picked out the ugliest outfits imaginable, passing them along to each other. Clarke laughed until her abs hurt when Raven walked out in a mustard dress with a bright pink coat and a large, striped hat. She took a picture before Raven could tell her not to and stood, taking the hat and putting it on. She spun in a circle and grabbed Raven’s hands, holding her arms out to show off more of the 4,000$ coat.

After their faux fashion show they went to their actual stores. Sephora. Urban Outfitters. Vans. Victoria secret. Clarke was sure she blew an entire week’s worth of her paycheck in just a few hours. And she didn’t care.

The girls stayed at her house that night. They reverted back to their high school days and played truth or dare in the pool at 2 AM.

Clarke noticed the lack of Lexa-natured questions. She was thankful.

There was no drinking. There would be no drinking for Clarke for the remainder of the summer, she decided. She realized she didn’t even miss it. She didn’t need it. She didn’t want it.

She wanted something else. Someone else. But that desire would not control her, she decided.

And so the second half of her summer was what it was supposed to be.

Late nights with her friends.

Early mornings at the hospital.

Dates with her dad.

Gardening with her mom.

Movies. Baking. Laughing.

Smiling.

By the time she was in the airport again, holding her luggage and a ticket, ready for her second year of college, Clarke was Clarke again. The last night she had stayed awake crying was weeks ago.

She was happy again.

But she was still unsure with the decision she had made for months ago.

And when she stopped in her path, a few weeks into the semester, starring in angry green eyes, all the _regret_ flood her at once, drowning her.

* * *

            Being back at school was both wonderful and so tiring. She had three classes to teach this semester and fifteen hours of classes to take. It was tiring, but it was what Anya loved to do. And she wasn’t doing it alone. She had a whole group of people going through the same sleepless nights as herself, including Tristan, Atom, and Lexa.

            Lexa who insisted she wasn’t sad or broken from the loss of the woman she loved. Anya rolled her eyes. She knew better.

            She followed Lexa out of their classroom, listening to Atom rattle on about how dumb their teacher was. She disagreed. He may have different political stances as herself, but he was still a brilliant man and instructor. He was just too immature to know you could be both.

            She was looking down and almost ran into Lexa when she abruptly stopped in front of her. “Wha-” She swallows her words as soon as she sees what Lexa sees.

            Clarke.

            She glances at Lexa, standing stock still with her back pulled tight and her hands in a fists. Her face was frozen, eyes flickering with an angry that Anya hoped she never saw facing her direction.

            She turns to Clarke, who is breathing heavy, mouth fallen open in shock and hands shaking. Her breathing is so _quick,_ so _struggled_ that Anya was slightly worried she was going to pass out or suffocate.

            The air was thin. The tension was thick, choking everyone who felt it. Lexa fought through it, breath steady. Clarke sucked in air like she may never breathe again.

            Anya held her breath.

 


	26. Ashes to Ashes.

“A simple ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t fucking cut anything!” Lexa yelled, pacing her shared office.

Anya watched from her seat, feeling the heat from her friend’s fire roll off her burning skin and engulf Anya.

“What?” Lexa yells, “she thinks she can just give up? Without even trying? And then she just… fucking expects me to forgive her? She’s so entitled and reckless! ” Lexa stops and turns to Anya.

If she isn’t careful, she may get badly burned in the crossfire.

“Do you think I should just forgive her?” Lexa’s words spit out like a flare gun, The anger-drenched tone not letting up at all.

Anya shakes her head.

“I didn’t think so.” Lexa’s volume lowers and the flare in her voice subsides. She closes her eyes and falls back in a chair, taking a deep, validated breath. “Why do I still care, Anya?” Lexa asks, her deflated tone laced with betraying pain. 

Anya doesn’t answer. Instead, she lets Lexa sit in silence and mull over the question herself.

Which means Anya patiently sits in silence too.

Lexa has handled this well. She’s kept her anger in check. She hasn’t let the loss rule her. Not like she has in the past. But if there was any time to be angry, now was it. Clarke screwed up. Clarke was selfish. Clarke was scared.

Clarke ran.

Clarke abandoned Lexa.

She may have had no idea what was really happening in Lexa’s life in that moment, but there was no excuse for running.

Lexa deserved to be angry. Lexa had the  _ right  _ to be pissed.

But she had been surprisingly calm. Even defending Clarke.

‘ _ College is a time to find yourself and pursue your dreams. That’s all Clarke was doing.’ _

_ ‘She was scared. We’ve all been scared. We’ve all ran.’ _

Now, though, having seen Clarke for the first time and hearing the words, ‘Lexa, I’m so sorry,’ all the anger she’s been controlling has erupted.

Anya remembers the last time Lexa erupted.

It was after the funeral. Everyone was crying. Family was hugging Lexa, forcing her to confront the loss. Anya watched Lexa place a ring on Costia’s chest.

She had to watch Lexa drop a handful of dirt on the coffin.

Anya walked away from the burial with Lexa next to her. They barely got to their car before Lexa bent over, sucking in a breath.

Anya expected more tears.

Instead she was shocked by a scream.

_ “She left me!”  _ Even now, Anya heard the words booming in her ears. “ _ What right did she have? We were going to spend our lives together and she just… left! Left me here, alone! That fu…” Lexa’s eyes were burning with tears, “why would she… just… leave…” _ Lexa had fallen to the ground then, a heap of white-hot tears and angry red skin.

_“No mom.”_ Lexa had said when Anya first asked about her family. “ _Gone when I was nine. Died. Murdered, actually.”_ Anya tried to interject, offer her condolences.

Lexa wouldn’t let her.

_“Lost my dad soon after that. But I didn’t care. He was a bastard. I’m better off without him.”_ Anya didn’t believe her then and she was proved right months later when Lexa had received a phone call from prison.

Costia had been out of town then. She’d called Anya, telling her to go to Lexa’s immediately to make sure she was okay.

She was erupting. Screaming. Throwing things. Cussing out her dad and her mom for leaving and her brother for running.

Lexa was familiar with loss.

She shouldn’t have to deal with Clarke’s either.

“I love her.” Lexa says. Anya looks up at Lexa, the memories vanishing. “I care about her. I want her to be happy. “

“She left you, Lexa.”

“I know. And I’m pissed. But would I be so pissed if I didn’t care?”

Anya sighs, “no.”

Lexa nods. “No.”

* * *

“Hey, Lexa. I know you’re angry. I… I was awful and I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I made a mistake. I ran. And I know how terrible that is. I know that pain,” Clarke’s eyes prickle with tears from the ashes. She grits her teeth after a particularly loud gulp of tears that are no doubt heard in the message. She groans and glances up at the ceiling, “I feel that pain now. You should never have to deal with someone leaving again. And…” Clarke sniffs, eyes overflowing with tears, “and I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry… I hope...” _you’re happy._ Clarke can’t say the words. She can’t speak through the tears. It takes too long for her to force out, “bye” before she hangs up the phone.

She stands in the small fire she built under her feet, feeling the flames burn her legs. She squeezes her eyes shut and drops the phone, falling to the floor, letting the flames of regret circle her, claim her. 

_ Stupid.  _ She hears a voice whisper. Her own, probably. It’s laced with anger at herself. 

_ Shouldn’t have left her. Shouldn’t have let forgotten who you are. Shouldn’t have called her.  _

_ Stupid.  _

* * *

Clarke takes deep breaths before there’s a knock at the door. She answers it with puffy, though dry, eyes.

Octavia pulls Clarke into a hug before walking in. Raven moves past them to put on a cup of tea.

“I fucked up,” Clarke mutters.

Octavia nods. “Yeah, you really did. Fucked up big time.”

Clarke manages to scoff, before falling back in her remorse. She pulls away and glances at Octavia, her lips tight. 

“Hey. We all fuck up. We all make mistakes. You had reasons, though. Yeah, you probably could have done it a different way, but you can’t change the past. Be the Clarke we know. Don’t let your growth be for nothing, Clarke. You made a mistake, but you grew because of it. You learned. You’re a new Clarke, a stronger one, a smarter one.”

Clarke nods.

“Alright!” Raven calls from the kitchen. “Now that that’s out of the way, come make some fucking cookies, Clarke! The boys are going to be over any second.”

Clarke laughs again and obliges.

The party is going two hours later.  

Jasper, going through his own breakup thanks to Maya moving away, spends the entire night smoking pot with Monty. They don’t come in from the balcony for hours and when they do, Jasper isn’t wearing a shirt and Monty his laughing so hard there is tears streaming from his eyes.

Murphy spends the night sitting in the corner eating a whole pizza while Bellamy gushes about him to Raven, who relishes in the stories, however personal they get to be. Octavia gags more than once after catching a bit of the conversation. She ends up leaving early with Lincoln to attend another party.

Harper and Monroe brought coloring books and are engrossed the entire night.

Clarke watches from the couch, smiling at all her friends be idiot college students and spend the night oblivious to the regret they’ll feel tomorrow.

It’s 2 in the morning when Clarke is drunk enough to think it’s a good idea to walk outside and call Lexa.

“Hey…” She thinks she sounds sober enough, but knows Lexa will hear the drunkenness in her voice.

If she listens to the voicemail. Clarke assumes she won’t.

“I know I already called you and probably shouldn’t be calling you again…” Clarke hiccups and feels the knot in her throat. “I miss you. I would give anything to go back and not do what I did. I know back then I thought it was right. I know I grew because of it and… and I’m thankful for that but that’s not worth your pain and it never will be. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything but you need to be happy and I should not be leaving this voicemail but–“

“Clarke!”

Clarke whirls around to see Murphy, eyes wide.

“You fucking idiot, is that Lexa?” He demands.

Clark nods.

“Shit, Clarke.” He yanks the phone out of her hand and ends the call, causing Clarke to shout in protest. “No more phone for you tonight. And no more drinks either!”

“John…” Clarke mutters.

“No! You know better. Now go inside. Eat some food and drink some water.”

“Give me my phone!”

“No.”

Clarke frowns, groaning as she obeys Murphy and heads inside.

Murphy stays on the balcony, staring down at Clarkes phone with his eyebrows furrowed. His heart squeezes at the sight of Lexa’s name and the pain in Clarke’s voice.

He rolls his eyes, groans, and pockets the phone before returning to the party. He stops in front of Raven and Bellamy, who looks up at him with a slight smile.

“Hey!” Bellamy exclaims. “It’s my hot boyfriend!”

“Yes.” Murphy holds out his hand and Bellamy takes it. “Now come pound into me before I change my mind.”

Bellamy smiles wider. “Sorry, Ray, gotta go have sex with my boyfriend,” he chuckles, not letting his grip loosen around Murphy’s hand as they head to the door. 

“Gross!” Raven shouts. 

Bellamy raises his eyebrows and slaps Murphy’s ass, winking at Raven as if to say ‘I got a hot one’ before turning back. 

“Hey… where are they going?” Clarke asks as the two boys walk through the front door.

“Back to their apartment to have copious amounts of dirty gay sex.” Raven answers.

Clarke frowns. “Murphy has my phone.”

Raven blinks before bursting out in laughter. 

* * *

Clarke doesn’t call, text, or see Lexa again for two months after that. She writes her letters, though. Almost one a day. Writes one when she wakes up, before she goes to sleep, in the middle of class while she listens to a professor that is half the teacher Lexa is.

She doesn’t send a single one. She just stacks them on top of each other on her desk.

Raven asked them about her once and Clarke just answered with, “I need to talk to her.”

She knows she can’t though. Or at least shouldn’t. It’s unfair to Lexa.

And she’s already caused enough heartache.

So, Clarke goes forward with the life she created for herself. The one she thought she wanted. She makes it the best she can be. And every time she goes to or hosts a party, which admittedly isn’t often, Murphy takes her phone. (Although he learned to give it to Raven before leaving. Clarke was phoneless for three days the first time he took it.)

She did see Lexa once at the grocery store. She almost approached her but common sense took over.

She left before she actually got anything she needed.

It takes over two months before Clarke gets the courage to call and leave Lexa another voicemail, this time in the right state of mind.

“Hey. I hope you’re well, Lex. I miss hearing you rant about your dumb students and praise the smart ones. The success you have with Indra… the trashy TV shows we used to watch… the long runs you’d take every morning. Your smile. 

“Arky misses you too. He might love you more than he loves me.” Clarke laughs. “Anyways. You may not listen to this or if you do, it’ll probably make you angry. I hope it doesn’t.  Just wanted to say again that I’m sorry and you deserve better. You deserve the world, Lexa. You deserve never to be sad or worry. You deserve happiness and success. You deserve a love that will never leave you, know matter what. I know fucked up, and there is no fixing that. I truly and honestly do not deserve you. You’re perfect, Lexa. You should never feel pain and the fact that I caused you pain kills me day and night. I’m sorry . So sorry.

“ I thought it was the right thing, stepping away. That it was best for me. If I didn’t have you to… obsess over, then I would do better in my own life, academically and shit. But it had the opposite effect. I’ve grown mentally, sure, and I’ve been working at the hospital. But that doesn’t change how much I think about you… and how much regret I feel.

“God. That all sounds so selfish. And you don’t need to hear that. It doesn’t matter. None of that matters. None of it was worth it. Nothing is worth causing you any amount of pain. It doesn’t matter what reasons I had or anything, doesn’t change the fucked up mistake I made or what it did to you. It never will. 

“Anyways. I just wanted to say I’m sorry again. I hope you can forgive me, whether or not we ever speak again. And more than anything, I hope you’re happy. Okay, well… bye.”

* * *

“ _ Okay, well… bye.”  _  Lexa grits her teeth together and deletes the voicemail.

“ _ I hope you’re happy.  _ “

Bitch.

Lexa resists the urge to throw her phone across the room. Instead, she tosses it onto the couch and pulls out her classwork.

She can’t help but think of Clarke while writing “F” on more than a few papers.

There’s a knock at the door.

Lexa’s muscles tense in preparation for the worst. Her defense wall shoots up as she walks to the door and opens it.

A scrawny kid with a llama face stands in front of her.

“Who are you?” She demands.

“Hey. I’m John.”

“Okay?”

“Uhm…” He swallows.

Lexa raises an eyebrow.

“Right. I’m a friend of Clarke.”

Lexa starts to close the door but stops when John throws out his hand.

“Wait! I just want to say something real quick and I’ll leave.”

Lexa folds her arms. “Fine.”

“Look, I don’t usually care about my friends that much. And I definitely never meddle in their lives. But I’ve watched Clarke these past few months and I’ve never seen her so broken.”

“Well, that’s her fault.”

“Yeah, it is and she knows that. She regrets what she did so much. I can tell how much she cares about you. I’ve never seen someone…   _ love  _ so deeply.”

Lexa’s heart seizes at the word.

“And I know she just wants to make it right.”

Lexa swallows. “Well,” she looks down before nodding and glancing back up, holding onto John’s gaze as she speaks, building a wall with her words, “we can’t always get what we want.” She shuts the door. 


	27. Weeds of Fear.

“What do you want for Christmas?”

_Lexa._

“I don’t know, maybe a new backpack or a TV?” Clarke answers.

Her dad laughs, making a note on his tablet. “A TV? Clarke, do you think we are made of money?”

Clarke shrugs. “You could make it work,” she says, winking at her dad before pouring a bowl of cereal. “Besides, Christmas is in two weeks. If you haven’t gotten me anything yet then I expect nothing less than a baby sister for Arky.” Clarke looks down at the dog in question, who is currently biting his own leg. Clarke laughs.

“We are _not_ getting you another dog. The one you have is enough.”  He follows the sentence by mumbling something that sounds eerily like ‘damn dog won’t stop licking my face’.

“Well I still think we should skip Christmas all together and just go to Europe.”

Jake chuckles, “still not made of money.”

When Christmas day does come, Clarke is awake early and decides to make coffee. Sadly, the excitement on that particular 25th gets less and less each year.

This year she’s most excited to wear pajamas and be distracted all day. Clarke wraps her robe tight around her waist and fills three cups of coffee before adding cream and sugar to one of them. She takes it, and one of the others and walks up stairs, gently knocking on the door before passing through after a quaint, “yes?”

“Black coffee for you,” Clark says, handing the cup over to her mom, “and two creams and a sugar for you,” she hands that one to her dad before sitting on the base of the bed.

She can’t help but remember exactly how Lexa takes her coffee, as well.

“Thank you, Sweetheart,” Abby says, sitting up in her bed. Clarke just smiles in response.

The family laughs and offers small conversation before Jake sets his empty mug down and claps his hands together. “Alright!” He says, swinging his leg out from the blankets. “Time to pray to the Christmas tree.”

Clarke laughs at his bad joke, following him down the stair where the three settle around the tree, laughing and smiling as Abby passes out presents.

Clarke’s heart sings when her mom starts crying after opening her gift from Clarke, a tea cup set that says “I love you more than you will ever know” or  “I love you no matter what you do” on each small cup, followed by Clarke’s and her Mom’s finger prints making a small heart.

She laughs until her eyes water and her abs burn when her dad gives her a large gift filled with toilet paper and a note that says ‘ _buy your own ass wiping paper, you little turd’_.

“Haven’t bought toilet paper in a year, Dad, the school does that for me,” she answers causing her mom to groan and bury her face in her hands.

The time spent with her parents calms her every-beating heart, reminding her that whether or not she’s with Lexa, she can be happy.

But the time spent with family also grows the desire in the pit of her stomach: She wants nothing more than for Lexa to be family.

* * *

The hospital barely lets her off for two whole weeks, so when Clarke has to go back just a few days after Christmas, missing New Year's Eve, she wasn’t disappointed.

Her parents were, though. Jake was unusually quiet all day, upset not to have his baby girl there for their usually NYE pranks, and Abby was holding back tears like a pro, covering it up by checking every detail of Clarke’s flight, filled with stress.

Clarke waved at them as she passed through security, mind pounding with the knowledge of what she was going to do when she got back.

On the plane, she wrote the first letter she would actually deliver.

_Lexa,_

_I’ve apologized, I’ve cried, I’ve tried to accept the regret for the decision I made, it was my choice, but now I’m ignoring all of that._

_You’re hurt, you’re angry, and you have every right to be. If you never forgive me, then I understand. But It’s almost been a year since I’ve been in your arms or seen your smiling face and I still feel just as lost as I did day one._

_“Find myself” “Pursue my dreams” “Succeed academically” “Discover the world” they are all good things but they are nothing compared to the love you gave me and the love I have for you._

_Lexa, I want to make this right. More than anything else in the world I want to heal your wounds. The wounds i’ve caused you. You can yell at me, tell me how much of an idiot I am, cry or break my stuff. I don’t care._

_I just need to see you. Need to talk to you._

_I know that’s selfish. I know I’m selfish and that has controlled me my entire life. But now I’m selfish for you, Lexa. I’m selfish because I want you. I’m selfish because I want you to be happy, with me or not, though I’m most selfish because I want to be the reason for your happiness._

_I’m selfish because I want to hear all your angers and fears and pain._

_If none of that is something you want, or if you know you will never forgive me, that’s okay._

_But if any part of you wants me too, please… talk to me._

_I love you, Lexa. I always have and I always will._

_And that is my best fault._

_Love,_

_Clarke._

By the end of the letter, Clarke is crying. The people around her glance her way, annoyed by the one girl on the plane who is breaking the silence with her heavy tears.

Clarke doesn’t care.

* * *

Lexa doesn’t crumple the letter after she’s read it. She sits quietly on her couch, re-reading the last two lines. “ _I love you, Lexa. I always have and I always will. And that is my best fault.”_

She rolls her eyes and sits forward, holding the paper out over her candle.

It burns quickly, barely giving Lexa time to see the flames reach the edge of the paper. Lexa drops the paper when the flames reach her fingers and watch as it shrivels into itself, ashes curling into the air and disappearing in a _puff_.

Later that day, Lexa is shocked to realize the initial anger has disappeared, puffed away along with the ashes.

She searches for it, but comes up with a loss.

She feels lost.

She sits in quiet, replaying everything that happened the past year, trying to light the fire with two small rocks and some twigs.

It sparks and dies.

Fear replaces it. Growing like weeds, suffocating every beautiful flower it comes in contact with.

Lexa puts down the rocks and reaches for a bucket of water, trying to use the peaceful ocean to drown out the fear.

The bucket is empty.

Lexa is empty, swallowed whole by the weeds. She claws at them, hawks at them with an axe, calls for help.

She stills, let’s them take her, relaxes under the rough weeds, fear of a cold tomorrow wrapping around her chest.

* * *

“Maybe you could just talk to her? Just hear what she has to say and tell her what you’re thinking. A conversation is better than suffocating yourself,” Anya says

“She didn’t talk to me before she left.”

“No, but she’s trying to now.”

Lexa groans. “I can’t look at her.”

“You love her.”

“So much that it hurts. “

* * *

Clarke sits with her legs tucked under, her organic chemistry book sitting open in her lap. Raven paces the kitchen, pulling flour out of the cupboards and reading and re-reading the directions.

Clarke’s halfway through another letter to Lexa. In this one she’s decided to just write out every reason she loves Lexa. She started with _your drive and desire to do what is right_ and she’s currently at _the way no matter how nice you look, your socks never match._

“No one is going to even eat this pie,” Raven complains.

Clarke chuckles. “Yes they will. It’s the only desert, right? People need their desert.”

Raven grumbles, “I hate dinner parties. They’re so stupid.”

“This is Octavia’s first dinner in her new apartment with Lincoln. You know we couldn’t skip.”

“Didn’t want to. Just wish it wasn’t a dinner party.”

“Well Lincolns not really a weed and alcohol house party type of person.”

Raven flicks her spatula towards Clarke. “Octavia is.”

        Clarke nods. “And Lincoln goes with her to our parties. That’s what couples do, Raven. They enjoy what the other enjoys.”

Raven groans and Clarke shrugs.

“I, for one,” she says, “think that Octavia is being very grown up and mature.”

“She better be.” Raven turns back to her mess in the kitchen. “She’s about to live with a man.”

Clarke turns back to her letter and writes _your respect and love for other people._

* * *

Clarke is a few hours into her homework when there’s a short knock at her door. She cocks her head in question when she gets up from the table to open it.

“Oh,” she states, staring at the guest in front of her, “Anya. Hi.”

“Hey, Clarke. Do you mind if I come in?”

“Of course.” Clarke moves aside, giving Anya room to enter. She closes the door after and heads to the kitchen. “Tea?” She asks.

Anya nods. “No, thank you.”

Clarke nods stiffly, feeling the weight of the conversation to come start to weigh her down. She pulls out some green tea and sets the kettle on the stove, needing the calming comfort it will bring. “So, what can I do for you?” Clarke asks, trying to keep the growing fear and worry out of her voice. “Is everything okay?”

Anya walks with her hands behind her back, pausing to answer, “yes, everything is fine. I’ve come to talk about Lexa.”

Clarke swallows hard. “Is she okay?”

“She’s fine. Keeping busy at Indra’s and with classwork.”

Clarke nods, waiting for Anya to continue.

“She’s not angry with you anymore.”

Clarke blinks in surprise. “She’s not?”

“No. She’s scared.”

“Scared?” _Lexa doesn’t fear anything_ Clarke thinks.

“Yes. You know she doesn’t have a good relationship with her family.”

Clarke nods.

“Well she never told you everything. Lexa doesn’t know anything as deeply as she knows loss. Her mom died when she was a child, killed because of her father’s lifestyle. Her father went to jail. Her brother ran. She didn’t have any family after that. Grew up in a few foster homes, most of which would also abandon her.”

Anya’s words punch Clarke’s chest, digging knives into her core and smashing into her heart. “I had no idea…” Clarke gasps.

“I know. That’s why I’m telling you. So you understand better.

“Lexa got into university on a full ride. She met Indra and never stopped fighting to make the world better for other children like her. Along the way she fell in love with a girl named Costia. They were going to get married when Costia died in a car crash. Hit by a drunk driver. It was the last loss Lexa could take.

“I remember when she met you she was terrified. Even asked if there was a way to get you transferred out of her class.”

Clarke’s breathing gets heavier as Anya talks. Her eyes burn and arrows of shame and regret impel her chest.

“When Indra discovered you, Lexa started to believe you would be something good in her life. Something pure. She convinced herself that if you ran, you would run with her, not away from her.

“Then you ran. Away. Far away. And Lexa felt all the losses in her life at once.”

“Oh, my god, I–”

“Let me finish.” Anya says, causing Clarke’s mouth to quickly shut. “She’s afraid, Clarke. She still loves you. Still believes you are good. She still has hope that you will be the one love in her life that won’t turn into a loss. You may have run away, but you quickly turned around and started running towards her again. She wants you to catch up, Clarke. She wants you by her side. She wants you more than anything, but–”

        “She’s scared.”

        Anya nods. “Lexa doesn’t let herself feel fear often, so when she does, it consumes her.” Anya turns and stands inches from Clarke’s face, holding her gaze. “Break through that fear, Clarke. Be the good she knows you are.”

        Clarke doesn’t have time to respond before Anya has walked out the front door.

* * *

_I don’t know what I can do to get you to trust me again, I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to be forgiven. I don’t even think I deserve to be forgiven. But I’m asking for it anyways, Lexa. I’m asking to be forgiven ._

_I should never have fun away. My place, my only place, is running by your side. Never leaving. To support you, to support each other._

_I never want to run anywhere else. I will use every day to win and earn that place again. You deserve that._

_I am closer to the person you knew i could be. But I know without you I will never reach it completely. I need you. You are my anchor._

_Give me the chance again to be yours._

_I will never leave you again, Lexa._

_I promise._

_I love you, My Heda._

        Lexa reads the letter through blurry tears. Her breaths come raggedly, stuck in her throat from the tight hold the weeds of fear have on her.

        Lexa folds the letter neatly and stands, walking past the burning candle.

        She pins the letter up on her wall, the words “My Heda” facing out to be seen every day.

        Lexa pulls off the weeds and picks up her phone, clicking Clarke’s name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics on the tea cups Clarke gave her mom are from the song "Imaginary Tea" by Jon McLaughlin.


	28. Survive.

The worst part isn’t the pain in her chest, or possibly watching the girl in front of her cry. The hardest part isn’t trying to find forgiveness or hope. The easiest part isn’t possibly falling back into old conversational habits with her old girlfriend.

It’s none of those at all.

The worst part,

The hardest part,

The easiest part,

Is remembering.

She remembers it all. Every happy moment. Every blissful memory. Every pained moment. Every goodbye.

Or lack of goodbye.

She feels them all at once when she looks up from her spot on the park bench and is immediately met by a grateful, wide-eyed, terrified Clarke.

“Hi,” Clarke breathes, her lips curling into a hopeful smile.

“Hello, Clarke.”

The two stare at each other in complete silence until Lexa blinks and scoots over, “please, sit.”

Clarke nods and lowers herself on the other end, leaving a good amount of room between the two.

Lexa sits still, watching as Clarke pushes her hands against her jeans in the way she used to do when she got uncomfortable.

A smile spreads across Lexa’s lips while she watches.

A smile filled with a fondness that once came so easily.

Her thoughts are interrupted when Clarke blurts, “Thank you… for contacting me, I mean. You didn’t have to.”

“I know I didn’t have to, Clarke. And maybe I shouldn’t have. I almost didn’t. I had months of saying ‘no’ to coming. I had months of being angry and in pain. Months to remember what you did, Clarke. You ran. When I asked you not to,” as Lexa speaks, tears start to fill in Clarke’s eyes, overflowing before she can stop them. “I specifically told you to stop running. Remember, Clarke? That night at the party. The first time we kissed. I asked you why you were running. I asked you to stop, Clarke.”

Clarke’s tears fall faster now, but Lexa’s voice stays steady.

“So no, I didn’t have to call you.” She pauses, and the silence is only broken by Clarke’s deep breaths. Lexa sighs before saying, voice finally wavering, “but I did.”

* * *

Clarke didn’t cry when she wrote the letter. Her breathing was deep and stable. She wrote each word with thought, and reminded herself that though she made a mistake, she wasn’t a horrible person and she needs to attempt one last chance to fix the mistake, or accept the consequence.

Her eyes were dry, her mind was clear, her hand was steady and she curved each letter when one thought,

_“I’m sorry. I love you.”_

She dropped the letter off that same day and reminded herself it would be the last one she wrote. She’d said all she needed to say. She said what she wanted to say. She even said some stuff she shouldn’t have said. She did all she could to get Lexa to hear her out.

Everything that would happen next would be Lexa’s choice.

If Lexa chose to ignore her, fine. That was it. Clarke would accept and move on. It would be okay.

She would be okay.

Lexa would be okay.

Then she got a phone call later that same day. Lexa’s voice was slightly less sturdy than her own and every quiver felt like a small stab.

Clarke agreed immediately. The park in a week. Lexa would arrive promptly after classes. Clarke would meet her there.

Clarke stayed fairly calm and hopeful the days leading up to the meeting. She didn’t tell anyone, didn’t want to be swayed any way or stressed out. She wanted to be in her own mind and no one else’s.

Then the day came. She didn’t have any classes, but she was still awake by 6 AM, driven by shaking nerves and whirling thoughts of insecurities, regret, hopelessness and pain. Clarke tried to silence them with reading and working on school work.

Then she gave up. Cleaned the apartment from floor to ceiling. Washed Arky and took him for a walk. Went grocery shopping. Made pie.

Then it was almost 2 o’clock and she had to head to the park

The same park Lexa once told her she loved her.

She walks out her front door and all her collected, calmed nerves were let loose.

She sat next to Lexa, pushed the nerves down her legs and felt her shallow breaths come quickly.

Lexa started talking. Clarke started crying.

Lexa started laughing.

* * *

Clarke blinks away the tears and her mouth jumps shut. She stares at Lexa as she laughs, confusion replacing the regret painted in her eyes.

        Lexa knows she should stop laughing. This is not the time or place.

        But the intensity of the situation overwhelms her. And the realization of the conversations to come dawn on her.

        And all she can do is laugh.

        “What is so funny, Lexa?” Clarke asks, almost demanding.

        Lexa bends over, grabbing her stomach as she forces deep breaths.

        Tears spring in her eyes before she finally stops laughing. She wipes them away and breathes a soft, “sorry,” before she grows silent again. “Sorry…” she repeats. “Sorry, I… nothing is funny. Nothing about this is funny, Clarke. And that’s why it’s so funny.”

        Clarke squints her eyes, confused.

        “All I know is loss. All you know is ambition. All I know how to do is survive. Clarke, all you know how to do is succeed, to find yourself and make those around you proud. This is a wonderful thing. But it can also be damaging to you and the people around you.

        “We know this first hand. All I know is loss, and the need to survive from that loss. The anger caused by that loss. The hopelessness.

        “To find your success, you had to run, and that wasn’t necessarily in the same direction as me–”

        “Lexa–”

        “Let me finish, Clarke, please.” Lexa takes a steadying breath. “You ran because it's what you know how to do. I survived through anger because it’s what I know how to do. And now here we are. Going against what we know because there’s something here. Something stronger than instinct that is pulling us together. We are not perfect. You made a mistake. I did too. I stayed quiet on some important things, I kept you from growing–”

        “Lexa…”

        “Clarke!” This breath is slightly harder to keep from shaking, but Lexa does. And then she continues. “I knew you were just starting out with life. I knew you were learning and growing. And I knew that you had no idea who I was. The loss I know. The fear and–” Lexa’s breath catches in the ball of pain growing in her throat. She sucks in a breath and closes her eyes. “And pain. You didn’t know, so you did what you thought was right, however wrong it truly was. And then I was so angry. So hurt. But I’m letting go now, Clarke. Because I love you. And I know you love me.

        “And that, Clarke, is what we know now. It’s who we are now. Love.”

* * *

Clarke repeated all her apologies and regrets she’s said so many times in the last few months. She even said some fears, insecurities and self-hating thoughts she’s had in the many sleepless nights since the breakup.

        Lexa listened closely while she talked, nodding and keeping the painful knot from getting too large in her throat.

        “You’re right,” Clarke says, “I did all I knew how to do. Run towards the success I thought I needed. Towards the life I thought would make me whole. And I couldn’t stop hating myself for that. For making a decision that hurt the people around me. That would hurt you. So I ran to be alone. I lived alone when I didn’t need to. When you were always there. You didn’t run. I did. And I’m so sorry. You didn’t need that. Not again.”

        “Clarke…” Lexa starts. “I understand. I do. I’m angry and hurt, but I get it.” She takes a breath. “Clarke, did you speak to Anya?”

        Clarke sits up straight in shock. “What…”

        “Don’t lie, Clarke. Please, not after everything. Just… did she speak to you.”

        Clarke nods, “yeah.”

        Lexa closes her eyes and sighs. “Okay. Well then you know a lot about me. But let me just fill in the holes. And Clarke?”

        “Yes?”

        “Don’t let me start crying.”

* * *

A scream. Running outside. The world spun. Warped.

“Go back inside, Lexa Dear.”

Crying.

Strength. Or feigned strength. She had tried. But fear was overwhelming.

Laughter.

A threat, or warning?

Screaming. Crying. Falling.

Running.

Lexa had ran around the house until the man got in his car and drove off. Then she pushed away from the wall and walked slowly back up to her mom.

Her mom. “Mommy…” lying still on the ground, blood warm and pooling around her. Lexa instantly pushed her small hands against her mother’s stab wound, her mind blank of any thoughts.

“Mommy?” She felt anger filling the holes in her body when she saw her mom cough, more blood pushing out of her mouth.

“Lexa…” She coughs again, straining to form more words.

“Mommy!” She screamed when her mom’s head fell limp and her quick breathing stopped.

Anger. The brightest part of the memory.

Anger at herself for running. Anger at her mom for dying. Anger at the man for killing her. Angry at her brother for not being here with her. Angry at whoever was responsible.

Whoever the murderer had ‘warned’.

* * *

“Guilty!” The judge threw the gavel down.

Lexa had screamed. Her brother held her back as she tried to claw out of her seat, towards the judge who had just condemned her father to years and years of prison time.

        _“The jury finds Steven Woods guilty for illegal gambling, illegal drug consumption, selling drugs, and accessory to murder.”_

        Lexa screamed. Yelled. When the Bailiff pulled her out of the court room, she slammed her fists against the courtroom wall, yelling at anyone and everyone.

        “Hey! Lexa! Lexa!” Lin had dragged her away, holding her close before pushing her down onto a chair and kneeling in front of her. “Hey. It’s okay. We are going to be okay.” He whispered, tucking the hair behind her ear. “A nice lady is going to take us to a house.”

        “You’re seventeen,” Lexa whispered. “You can take care of us.”

        Lin pressed his palm against the side of her head. “I wish I could, Lex. But I promise I am never going to leave you.”

        “I want Daddy…”

        Lexa watched as Lin’s face contorted in dangerous fury, eyes black with anger. “That man is not you father, Lexa. That man is the reason your mother, our mother is dead. He is selfish and manipulative. He never thought of you. Not once. Only himself. And his addictions. And because of his selfish need for a fix, for a gamble, for money, our mother is dead and our real father is gone. That man is no longer your father, Lexa. Your father might as well be dead.”

        Lexa was only nine. But she would never be a child again.

* * *

        Two foster homes with Lin. One was a nice young couple who thought they knew what they were doing when they took in troubled young kids. But getting a seventeen year old, parentless boy and his angry little sister was more than they could handle.

        The next one was a kind older lady. She died of an unexpected heart attack.

        They were in two separate group homes waiting for another foster home when Lin turned 18, packed up, and never looked back.

        Until he thought it was safe.

        But by that point, Lexa didn’t need him anymore.

        And she didn’t want him anymore.

* * *

        Seventeen foster homes in eight years. Foster siblings who hated her. Some foster parents who hit her when she disobeyed. Kicked out because she was too much work, they wanted a different life, they died, she wasn’t worth the foster money, and they weren’t going to adopt her.

        Her sixth home she was taken from after she broke her foster brother’s hand. She had warned him not to touch her.

        Then freedom. Straight A’s, brilliant scores as a cross country runner, and a perfect SAT score got her a free ride.

* * *

        Her first love.

        Her first taste of hope in years.

        The first time she thought maybe she wouldn’t be left alone.

        A drunk driver.

        A crash.

        Another loss.

* * *

Lexa takes a deep breath. “That’s the quick version.” She glances up at Clarke to find not her own eyes, but Clarke’s wet with tears. “Lots of death. Lots of people leaving. Like I said, loss and survival. It’s all I know.”

“Lexa…  I can’t even imagine. That’s all so… so horrible.” Clarke sighs. “I’m so sorry I’m one of those people that left, Lexa. I understand if you will never trust me again.”

Lexa nods. “It’s hard. I’m scared, Clarke. Scared to ever trust you or anyone again. It hurts, the need to survive. But you, Clarke, you came back. And you are the first one to ever come back and not give up on me. The first one to come back and fight for me. The first one I am willing to forgive.”

Clarke smiles and gasps as she breaths through the tears. “I will never run again.”

“I know.” Lexa smiles. “And I will kill you if you do,” she says, chuckling.

“Lexa. Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For coming to talk to me. For trusting me with your story. For smiling at me despite everything.”

“I love you, Clarke. I always will. I want you, Clarke. I want to live, not just survive. Life is about more than just surviving.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As we grow close to the end of this fic, I want to say a quick thank you for everyone who has stuck around since the beginning. Y'all have been some wonderful readers and I hope you are all well.  
> I'd love to talk to you over on tumblr @authoraesthetic (100 blog- freakingclexa) if you'd like! Or @madisonlawson96.gmail.com.  
> I may write another fic soon if anyone has an requests. I also write ficlets all the time by request. 
> 
> Also, A BIG thank you to my beta reader, Honi. Find her on tumblr @honiteabee and 2worldscreationsfolly on AO3 and worldsuniverses on FanFic.net.
> 
> Anyways. Thanks for reading. I love you all! I hope you enjoyed the chapter.


	29. Family.

*Five Years Later*

The crying was piercing, shooting daggers of fear and annoyance through Clarke. She groans and sits up, rubbing her sleep-filled eyes and stretching her tight muscles. “Lexa...” she mutters, turning to her side to see not her wife, but an empty bed. “What…”

Clarke throws her sheet to the side and climbs out of the large bed, reaching her arms up until she hears her back pop.

“Lexa!” she calls, hoping to be heard over the screeching in the other room.

“With Jake!”

Clarke pulls on a robe, tying it tight before heading to the nursery.

She walks in and instantly smiles at the sight of her wife, swaying side to side and cooing, trying to calm the crying baby in her arms.

“Is he hungry?” Clarke asks, trailing her fingers up Lexa’s arms, and rubbing at her back and shoulders softly.

Lexa shimmies around and smiles at Clarke when she tucks a stray hair behind Lexa’s ear.  Lexa steals a quick kiss before looking down at Jake again, frowning. “I don’t know. I tried the bottle but he wouldn’t take it. Then I checked to see if he needed changing and he’s all clean. Didn’t want his toys or anything to chew on for the teething. Didn’t want Arky or Polis, though the cat ran away as soon as I got close. Clarke…”

Clarke looks at her wife with endearment before stepping forward and taking the baby from her. He pumps his fists wildly, as if trying to tire himself out. His mouth opens wide as he cries, pink gums and a single tooth showing. Clarke shushes him, rubbing small circles on his back as she tries to think of what he could want. Before she could do anything, though, she hears a voice from behind her.

“He just wants his uncle.”

Clarke looks up and turns around, eyes softening, apologetic to the man in front of her. He smiles, though, holding out his hands.

“Hand over my nephew.”

Clarke does and Jake almost instantly quiets, staring up at his uncle with wide, happy eyes.

“You’re a lifesaver, Lin,” Lexa breathes, falling back on the chair.

Lexa’s brother chuckles. “Yeah, what are you going to do when I’m not around?”

“Call you.” Clarke says, standing next to Lexa as she runs her fingers through her wife’s hair. “You’re only a short drive away.”

“DC is big,” Lin comments.

“Yeah, but we live in the same neighborhood.

Lin rolls his eyes, tickling Jake’s stomach with his finger. “Unfortunately.”

“Oh, shut up,” Lexa berates, “you love being close to me.”

Lin looks up at the couple, side by side, holding hands. He glances back down at the smiling baby, grasping at his shirt with small hands and kicking his feet wildly.

He’d knocked on their door, years ago, knowing it would probably instantly be shut in his face.

But it was opened not by Lexa, but by Clarke. Who didn’t know who he was. He’d relished the short moments before he said “I’m Lin” when Clarke was smiling and welcoming. Before she frowned and told him he needed to leave. 

“I need to see my sister.” He said. She had been quiet for a moment before sighing, stepping aside to let him in. 

“She needs to see you, too.”

“I’m getting married,” he’d told Lexa. Miraculously, she cared. She wanted to talk to him. Wanted to hear about his life. She wasn’t happy at first, and he was sure she would throw him out any minute. But Clarke made tea and soon it was late at night and he was sitting on the floor of their living room, laughing with his baby sister like they were kids again. 

He smiles. “Yeah, Sis, I do.”

* * *

“Dr. Griffin…” Lexa whispers, biting at Clarke’s ear.

Clarke laughs, turning to her side as Lexa climbs in the bed next to her. “I’m not a doctor yet, Lex. Still in med school.”

Lexa trails her finger up Clarke’s arm. “I can still call you doctor.”

Clarke leans forward, pressing her lips against Lexa’s. “And I can call you Congresswoman.”

Lexa rolls onto her back, sighing as Clarke moves closer to her. “It’s so weird,” she mutters.

“What is?”

Lexa turns her head to look at Clarke’s shining blue eyes. She can’t help but smile when Clarke kisses her neck. “This. Our life. You’re studying to be a doctor. I was just elected congresswoman. We are married. With a baby. Living in DC.” Lexa turns back on her side and pushes her hand under Clarke’s shirt, feeling goosebumps rise where her fingertips brushed the warm skin. “It’s strange, Clarke.”

Clarke nods, pushing her own fingers through Lexa’s soft, tangled hair. She glanced across Lexa’s face, the tan skin with small dimples where she smiles. The thin nose and strong cheekbones. Those shining, happy green eyes.

“It’s amazing,” Clarke whispers, brushing her thumb across Lexa’s jawline. “We are living the life we dreamed of.”

Lexa blinks, looking deep into Clarke’s blue eyes, savoring the contented feeling of being lost in the calm ocean.  “We aren’t just surviving anymore.”

* * *

“It’s Mommy’s birthday!” Clarke coos, pulling pants on Jake as he kicks his legs and attempts to roll over. “She’s turning twenty-nine today,” Clarke leans forward and whispers, “she’s getting old.”

“I heard that.”

Clarke whips around, causing Jake to squeal with laughter, clapping his hands together, as if excited to watch his Mom’s interact. 

Lexa stands in the doorway, arms crossed and lips set in a tight line. If anyone else were to receive that look, they might fear for their life.

Clarke just laughs.

“Well. Only one more before thirty.”

Lexa scowls and rolls her eyes, closing the distance between her and her family. She sits next to Clarke and pecks her lips before kissing Jake’s forehead.

“Aheh!” The child screeches, smiling wide as he throws his arms and legs, reaching up for Lexa. “Duhduhduh.”

Lexa rubs his belly, saying, “yeah! I agree! Momma is old too!”

“Hey!”

“Almost if one year till thirty is old, than one year until twenty-five is old, too.”

Clarke laughs. “I don’t think that’s how that works.”

“I’m a house representative, Clarke. I can make the rules.”

“Also not how it works,” Clarke chuckles, sitting Jake up as she tugs his shirt on. “And you’re supposed to be in bed, Babe.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because agenda one of the day is breakfast in bed,” Clarke kisses Lexa again. “Now go to bed.”

Lexa rolls her eyes, but agrees nonetheless. “Don’t be too long, I’m starving.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Don’t call me ma’am!” Lexa call as she disappears into their master bedroom.

Clarke picks Jake up and props him on her hip, tsking as she heads to the small kitchen. “Bossy, bossy. Jakey, when you’re an annoying teenager, promise me you’ll obey Mommy even when she’s bossy. It’ll save you a whirlwind of headaches and arguments.”

The child answers by screeching in excitement and plopping his hand on Clarke’s cheek.

Clarke just laughs, setting Jake in his highchair and pouring a bit of cheerios in front of him to distract him while she puts together a hearty breakfast.

“Good morning, Lex–” Clarke stops short when she looks up to see Lexa standing at her desk, sifting through folders of documents and notes. “Lexa Woods! In bed, now!” Clarke scolds.

“But–”

Clarke shakes her head and sets Jake on the bed to give her a better hold of the plate of food. “Nope! Bed. You have a day off for a reason. No work.”

Lexa groans but obeys, climbing into the bed. Jake flays on his stomach, reaching for Lexa as she bends over to pull him close.

Clarke nods in approval, setting the plate of food on the bedside table. “Thank you.”   Lexa captures Clarke in a deep kiss before being pulled away by the strong smell of bacon. The smell also calls on the animals and soon Arky and Polis are climbing on the bed. Arky goes for the food and is pushed away by Lexa. He then turns to Jake and buries his nose in the baby’s face, licking as he does, causing Jake to laugh and hit at the dog in a failed attempt to play.

The cat, thinking it’s sly and cunning, hops off the bed and reaches one paw up, searching for the plate.

Lexa smacks him away and mutters, “What are the plans today

Clarke scoots down on her back, pulling Jake onto her chest.

“I was thinking first we can take Jakey and Arky to that park you just saved with your vote before the sitter picks them up.” Lexa nods, and soaks a piece of biscuit in the thick gravy. “Then we can go to the shooting range, explore downtown some more. We’ve lived here for two years and still know little about the town. I have a reservation at that dinner theater place you like and then that’s all.”

“Sounds like a perfect day,” Lexa says, kissing Clarke deep.

Clarke wraps her hand around Lexa’s neck and smiles into the kiss, “Good.  Happy birthday, Lexa.”

The day runs smoothly, filled with exploration, target shooting, hand holding and kissing. When the dinner theater finishes, Lexa raves about ‘knowing who the killer was the whole time’ and ‘why don’t we have food like that more often?’

Clarke just laughs fondly, watching her wife as she pushes open their front door.

Lexa jumps as she’s met by a loud “SURPRISE!”

She looks back at Clarke in question and Clarke just shrugs and gestures for her to go in.

“Happy birthday, Lex,” Lin says, pulling his little sister into a hug. “You are doing amazing things. Things Mom would be proud of.”

Lexa’s eyes water and she nods, muttering a small “thanks” before moving on to other guests. 

Lexa navigates the crowd, saying hi to friends and colleagues, hugging people and smiling as they talk.

She then reaches the back of the room and her mouth drops open when she sees the woman standing next to Indra. “Anya…”

“Hey, Lexa.” Anya says with a soft smile.

Lexa lets out a disbelieving scoff, smiling as she surges forward, pulling Anya into a tight, long hug, the first in almost two long years. 

The day before Lexa and Clarke had left for Washington, Anya had stolen Lexa away for an entire day of festivities. The hug Anya had given Lexa the next morning before boarding the plane had lasted long enough to survive them until this moment.

She lets go and places a hand on either side of her face. “What are you doing here?”

“What? You think I would miss your birthday?”

Lexa laughs, hugging her again before turning to Indra with a smile.

Indra nods her head in that bowing form that makes Clarke laugh and says, “Congresswoman.”

Lexa shoots back, “Senator.”

A moment passes before Lexa smiles and Indra opens her arms for a hug. “Thanks for coming, Indra.”

Indra smiles back. “Happy birthday, Lexa. I am so proud of you.”

Lexa’s eyes heat up.

Clarke lets out a breath, relieved that the small party is going over well with Lexa. She takes the moment to turn and pour herself a drinks, smiling at the large crowd of people. 

“You throw quite a party Mrs. Woods.”

Clarke shrieks at the voice, setting her glass down so quickly, drink spills out of it. 

“Raven!” She yells, jumping into Raven's arm as the other girl laughs. “I didn’t think you were able to make it!”

“Well, Bellamy and Murphy were coming and they pretty much got off work for me and bought my plane ticket without me knowing. Those two are better people then they’d have you think.”

Clarke grins, looking past Raven to watch Lexa mingle with friends. “I know. I partially have him to thank for getting me back with Lexa.” She turns her attention back to Raven, frowning in thought. “Where are those two, anyways?”

Raven rolls her eyes. “Said they’ll be late. Wanted to go checkin at their hotel room. Probably won’t make it at all, in my opinion.”

Clarke wrinkles her nose. “Gross.”

“Yeah, no one wants to hear that about their brother.”

Raven screams, turning and pulling the newcomer into a tight hug. “Octavia, oh, my god!”

“Hey, Ray. It’s been a while.”

“Too long,” Raven smiles, before moving to Lincoln and pulling him into a tight hug as well. “Hey, dude. How are you? Treating your wife well, I assume?”

Lincoln chuckles, wrapping an arm around Octavia’s shoulders. “Of course.”

Octavia pats his hand before stepping forward to hug Clarke. “He’s a wonderful husband. And it’s nice being so close to these two,” she says as she gestures to Clarke and Lexa. “They keep us young.”

Clarke scoffs. “I think you have that opposite. You keep us young. We just use you for free babysitting,” Clarke winks. 

“Speaking of, where is the little man?” Raven asks.

“Out with a babysitter for the night.”

“Lame, I want to see him.”

“How long are you staying?” Octavia asks. 

“Just a few days.”

“Come by tomorrow,” Clarke says, “I’ll make us lunch. Lexa goes back to work, so the three of us can have a day just like old times.”

Raven grins, “Good. I’ve missed you guys.”

“And I, you.”

The party continues until almost midnight and Clarke ushers everyone out, saying thank you’s as they leave.

When the house is empty, she turns back to Lexa, smiling with uncertainty.

“Thank you, Clarke. I had a lot of fun.”

Clarke lets out a relieved sigh. “Oh good. I’m glad.”

“It was an amazing day.”

Clarke smirks at that, moving closer to Lexa and wrapping her arms around her back. “The day isn’t over yet…” She trails along the hem of her skirt, watching her fingers move with a playful smile before kissing her neck. “The sitter has Jake until the morning.” Clarke moves along Lexa’s jawline, grinning when Lexa shutters at her touch. “And I had some plans of what we could do with the empty house.”

Lexa groans. “Clarke…”

“Let’s live, Lexa.”

They meet in a deep, trusting, loving kiss. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you all for reading. I hope you enjoyed this fic, I know I've liked writing it.


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